Is Legal Separation the only solution?

@ Kalyani , the lady is now unwilling because she has suffered a lot in the past and their daughter too supports her mother and feels that they all could be happy by being independent. I guess the lady has reached a point of no return now and her in laws are quite feudal in their thinking although the husband is quite broad minded ! She is hesitating to take the step because she knows that even legally she will be the loser !

@ Rambabu,,,it is always the petty issues that become  major issues in a marriage ! Just out of curiosity, why don't you get you fix your breakfast yourself and let your wife chat to her hearts content ?

Yes. I agree, I could have prepared my breakfast. I wait because I cannot prepare breakfast. Which is why I come to terms with her without creating an ugly scene. I adjust with her and she adjusts with me. Whatever that leads to arguments and heated exchanges are momentary. And believe me  i feel ashamed after every such incidents take place and apologize her openly. She also understands and accepts my apologies wholeheartedly/

Of course mutual adjustment is a way of life everywhere ...Not just you but I find most Indian men never learn to cook and look after themselves , so I feel that it is imperative for mothers to make sure that their sons know some basic knowledge of cooking ..

usha manohar wrote:

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

So sad and tragic! I can imagine how the daughter must be feeling, I think that as a mature and intelligent couple, they must talk it out and try to give it one more chance, after all it is not so easy to end a marriage that lasted for 26 whole years. But on the other side, if they are both control freaks as claimed by each spouse, then it must be very difficult to adjust with each other. They should probably seek counseller for therapy to keep their controlling nature in control. Otherwise, legal separation is the only option.

Yes Kalyani, they are both strong personalities and that is probably the flash point and there are any number of minor issues that come out now. The husband has the full support of his family members because they all blame the wife although the couple has not divulged too many details to them. However , the lady in question has no mother and her father and her only brother are both  neutral because they feel that being negative may spoil things more and they genuinely like her husband.So, it looks all the more that it is the fault of the wife which is not the case ! I also feel that his family has been the cause to some extent but I may be going only by her own account ..

I am not in favor of legal separation. If they are interested in another marriage than legal separation is necessary, other wise what is purpose of divorce. Remember every husband and wife have soft corner for each other. If they don't like to live together than can live separate without divorce. Gulzar and Rakhi is example of it, they are living separate for 40 years without legal separation. No one knows when we feel that we need each other. All doors will closed after legal separation.

usha manohar wrote:

Of course mutual adjustment is a way of life everywhere ...Not just you but I find most Indian men never learn to cook and look after themselves , so I feel that it is imperative for mothers to make sure that their sons know some basic knowledge of cooking ..

Fortunately, All my children are very good cooks. When they are with us, we together go for a movie or for a a visit her old friends or my friends. We utilize their visit to the fullest extent.

If they intend to remarry after divorce, legal separation/ divorce is necessary. If on the other hand they inrend to live singe after separation, formal divorce or judicial separation is not necessary. They may live separate even without announcement. 

@ anil, I too would agree with that because a divorce proceeding is long drawn and very expensive and as is the case here in India, normally it is the wife who gets a raw deal, I have seen many such cases ..It is better to live separately and have their freedom!

@ Gulshan , As of now they want to live separately , in fact the wife is already living with her father and may continue to be with him.Divorce is definitely not a practical solution here in India since it is still very much one sided !

Staying together for 26 years with full of dissatisfaction is not healthy living. I may sound very harsh but I would consider myself as practical because there is no reason to stay together in one house when both have drifted apart emotionally and mentally. Formal or informal divorce cannot be a joyous and fun filled choice but it will definitely be a less taxing and would offer mental peace.     

Divorce cases  last for years. The lawyers who charge astronomical amounts are the real beneficiaries. Additionally adjournment after adjournment cause mental depression.And there will be threatening and warnings by the other party. All these factors together makes the one who seeks divorce a mental wreck.

@ Shampa, when there is constant friction and bickering it creates a very unhealthy atmosphere so much so that even close relatives and friends hesitate to visit the couple , lest they get caught up in the middle of one of their fights.Now that they have been living separately, there will be the issue of compensation without which she becomes dependent because she has quit her job or rather made to quit her job by the husband.Even a separation has its own set of problems ..

If both parties are ready then divorce is faster because of mutual consent. Yes alimony issues will be there but there are judicial pronouncements for it which can become a guideline.

usha manohar wrote:

@ Kalyani , the lady is now unwilling because she has suffered a lot in the past and their daughter too supports her mother and feels that they all could be happy by being independent. I guess the lady has reached a point of no return now and her in laws are quite feudal in their thinking although the husband is quite broad minded ! She is hesitating to take the step because she knows that even legally she will be the loser !

@ Rambabu,,,it is always the petty issues that become  major issues in a marriage ! Just out of curiosity, why don't you get you fix your breakfast yourself and let your wife chat to her hearts content ?

The lady seems to have reached the breaking point now and there is no use going back. I think if her daughter understands and supports her decision, she should just get out of the wedlock and start her life anew. NO point in sticking around if she has suffered the brunt of her husband's egotistical and unyielding attitude.

vijay wrote:

If both parties are ready then divorce is faster because of mutual consent. Yes alimony issues will be there but there are judicial pronouncements for it which can become a guideline.

True. Divorces can be made fast if both the parties agree. But, if both are particular in sticking to their points, the case prolongs for an indefinite period.

 But about alimony, there are different aspects , the court takes into consideration. In certain cases spouses often fail to come to any understanding regarding Alimony. In such cases the court takes up the task of making a decision on the amount of Alimony to be paid.Here too there is a necessity to have mutual understanding to make the things fast.

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

usha manohar wrote:

@ Kalyani , the lady is now unwilling because she has suffered a lot in the past and their daughter too supports her mother and feels that they all could be happy by being independent. I guess the lady has reached a point of no return now and her in laws are quite feudal in their thinking although the husband is quite broad minded ! She is hesitating to take the step because she knows that even legally she will be the loser !

@ Rambabu,,,it is always the petty issues that become  major issues in a marriage ! Just out of curiosity, why don't you get you fix your breakfast yourself and let your wife chat to her hearts content ?

The lady seems to have reached the breaking point now and there is no use going back. I think if her daughter understands and supports her decision, she should just get out of the wedlock and start her life anew. NO point in sticking around if she has suffered the brunt of her husband's egotistical and unyielding attitude.

I guess they have hurt each other to a point of no return...The husband's stand is unclear but form her side when she consulted a divorce lawyer, a lady , she did not give her much hope if she were to file for a divorce, because there are so many minute angles and how the judge views them especially after the other side presents the case can never be predicted !

Dear Usha, (ji)

I forgot to ask you, was this a love marriage or arranged marriage?

I have personally seen in the cases of two of my friends, their arranged marriaged ended in legal separation citing ego clashes and differences, just not even more than 3 months after wedlock 

my cousins's status is divorcee at the age of 32 which were unheard of years ago especially in India, that too the cousin is a lawyer by profession!!!

I donot know if this is a new trend catching up! (of getting separated at young ages between 28- 35)

@ Swetha , I agree , there are many more marriages breaking up these days and one of the reason may be because ladies have become financially independent and are not ready to compromise like before which may or may not be good , taking everything into account ! But change is an essential part of life so...At the same time, if one has made a bad choice, it is better to cut off right at the beginning rather than after having children , making them go through unhappiness and misery when the couple fight !

The couple I was talking about had an arranged marriage and are cousins like most matches here..Such a marriage always comes with complications and problems !

rambabu wrote:

Divorce cases  last for years. The lawyers who charge astronomical amounts are the real beneficiaries. Additionally adjournment after adjournment cause mental depression.And there will be threatening and warnings by the other party. All these factors together makes the one who seeks divorce a mental wreck.

you are right, if they don't want to live together, it is OK, live separate, but what is the need of divorce.

 

If I recall correctly divorce is granted only on seven grounds in India. Mutual consent can help in dissolving the marriage very fast. Yes the girls becoming financially independent is one contributory reason for increased divorces as they can now live independently. But they cannot be blamed because now it is a level playing field.

see after reading this i got one point which is if they are unhappy with themselves and they want a mutual divorce, they should do that but coming in anger and wants to do something in anger is not the solution of their problem. If they want the divorce they can do but they should think of their daughter who is innocent and who is getting involved in pain unknowingly. And one thing if the couple can survive 25 years, i am very much sure that they both are very understanding and they are doing these just in anger to prove themselves right, i think they both are egotist. keeping the ego aside they should give themselves a chance to prove that they are worthy for each other.

@ vijay Mutual consent is the best and easiest way of getting a divorce because the couple would have already discussed the financial angle and anything else there is, which is actually what takes time when it comes before the court. But in this case the husband is not applying for a divorce nor ready for any discussions so it will be a complicated process if the wife files for a divorce because there may be prejudice against her.

@bhuyali What you say makes a lot of sense, one needs to have a clear head before going in for any major change or taking any step that can change the course of your life.