Is Legal Separation the only solution?

So sad and tragic! I can imagine how the daughter must be feeling, I think that as a mature and intelligent couple, they must talk it out and try to give it one more chance, after all it is not so easy to end a marriage that lasted for 26 whole years. But on the other side, if they are both control freaks as claimed by each spouse, then it must be very difficult to adjust with each other. They should probably seek counseller for therapy to keep their controlling nature in control. Otherwise, legal separation is the only option.

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

So sad and tragic! I can imagine how the daughter must be feeling, I think that as a mature and intelligent couple, they must talk it out and try to give it one more chance, after all it is not so easy to end a marriage that lasted for 26 whole years. But on the other side, if they are both control freaks as claimed by each spouse, then it must be very difficult to adjust with each other. They should probably seek counseller for therapy to keep their controlling nature in control. Otherwise, legal separation is the only option.

Yes Kalyani, they are both strong personalities and that is probably the flash point and there are any number of minor issues that come out now. The husband has the full support of his family members because they all blame the wife although the couple has not divulged too many details to them. However , the lady in question has no mother and her father and her only brother are both  neutral because they feel that being negative may spoil things more and they genuinely like her husband.So, it looks all the more that it is the fault of the wife which is not the case ! I also feel that his family has been the cause to some extent but I may be going only by her own account ..

Oh 26 long years 

That is incredible. II thought by then, they wuld be comfortable wth each other but it is not the case

It is easy for an outsider like us to give choices, but ii feel that it is the couple's cHoice

 I have prsonally seen three divorce cases which took three years each to complete and only two of them are happy. There will be lots oF mental agony and no peace during divorce.

@ Shweta ...I agree that in most marriages this is what happens, the couple grow together not grow apart. But in this particular case thats what has happened ..

@ Chinmoy I too tend to agree that when the differences have escalated over the years it is better to separate rather than make each other and others around them unhappy. At least now one can see couple coming out openly  rather than continue to remain unhappy and miserable in a marriage because they are worried what people would say ?

It's an issue of incompatibility and  of ego. It's not uncommon to have differences  between the couples. But wise couple with a view to save the sanctity of Marriage, avoid conflicts and confrontations In order to save the marriage, at least for the sake of the common interests of the family, they should adjust leaving aside their differences. A home is an abode of peace. Not a battle field  Wisdom lies in one of them stepping down to enjoy the fruits of Marital bliss.

In the absence of this, it's better to go for a legal separation.

A strain in relationship is like a crack in the mirror. Howsoever you may try to mend it the crack will remain visible. Legal separation is the best way out when couples cannot stand each other. No use faking a relationship. Better to separate and live without guilt and the way one wants to live. Many a time the separated couples become good friends because there are no obligations now.

@ rambabu ...Personally I view marriage and family are institutions that evolved because they fulfilled certain needs of individuals besides providing security. When it is already a battlefield there is no question of sanctity and when both are equally strong who would be willing to bow down?

@ vijay ...I agree that some couple become good friends after separation because there is freedom of thought and no pressure.Children too help in bringing them together.I was reading an interview by writer/film maker  Gulzar, where he spoke about his relationship with his wife Rakhee.Although separated for years now, they do many things together and he never forgets to buy her a gift when he travels..

usha manohar wrote:

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

So sad and tragic! I can imagine how the daughter must be feeling, I think that as a mature and intelligent couple, they must talk it out and try to give it one more chance, after all it is not so easy to end a marriage that lasted for 26 whole years. But on the other side, if they are both control freaks as claimed by each spouse, then it must be very difficult to adjust with each other. They should probably seek counseller for therapy to keep their controlling nature in control. Otherwise, legal separation is the only option.

Yes Kalyani, they are both strong personalities and that is probably the flash point and there are any number of minor issues that come out now. The husband has the full support of his family members because they all blame the wife although the couple has not divulged too many details to them. However , the lady in question has no mother and her father and her only brother are both  neutral because they feel that being negative may spoil things more and they genuinely like her husband.So, it looks all the more that it is the fault of the wife which is not the case ! I also feel that his family has been the cause to some extent but I may be going only by her own account ..

It looks like the lady is the one unwilling to adjust or bend to save her marriage. But then whatever we get to hear from them in such cases, it is only those people alone who know the real reason or what caused the marriage to snap apart. So probably it is for the best. But still, it always causes some amount of grief to see such long drawn marriages broken apart.

@ Kalyani

There must be some reason behind the break up of such a marriage that lasted for 25 years . It is true many things take place Within  the Premises of the home. Such things may not see the light at all. I too have many differences with my wife. Some times we differ on petty issues like failure of my wife in getting my breakfast in time. Reason I know. she likes chitchatting with neighbors for hours together. In this process there is every likelihood of forgetting about my breakfast. It is just an example. But knowing her fully I will not quarrel, though I get upset. But that is momentary. We adjust . because quarreling before children when they come for holidaying with us, upsets them. All my children are married. Some times they intervene and appease us. I'll not take their intervention in a negative way and we forget everything.

It all amounts ultimately, to adjustment. This my opinion/.

@ Kalyani , the lady is now unwilling because she has suffered a lot in the past and their daughter too supports her mother and feels that they all could be happy by being independent. I guess the lady has reached a point of no return now and her in laws are quite feudal in their thinking although the husband is quite broad minded ! She is hesitating to take the step because she knows that even legally she will be the loser !

@ Rambabu,,,it is always the petty issues that become  major issues in a marriage ! Just out of curiosity, why don't you get you fix your breakfast yourself and let your wife chat to her hearts content ?

Yes. I agree, I could have prepared my breakfast. I wait because I cannot prepare breakfast. Which is why I come to terms with her without creating an ugly scene. I adjust with her and she adjusts with me. Whatever that leads to arguments and heated exchanges are momentary. And believe me  i feel ashamed after every such incidents take place and apologize her openly. She also understands and accepts my apologies wholeheartedly/

Of course mutual adjustment is a way of life everywhere ...Not just you but I find most Indian men never learn to cook and look after themselves , so I feel that it is imperative for mothers to make sure that their sons know some basic knowledge of cooking ..

usha manohar wrote:

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

So sad and tragic! I can imagine how the daughter must be feeling, I think that as a mature and intelligent couple, they must talk it out and try to give it one more chance, after all it is not so easy to end a marriage that lasted for 26 whole years. But on the other side, if they are both control freaks as claimed by each spouse, then it must be very difficult to adjust with each other. They should probably seek counseller for therapy to keep their controlling nature in control. Otherwise, legal separation is the only option.

Yes Kalyani, they are both strong personalities and that is probably the flash point and there are any number of minor issues that come out now. The husband has the full support of his family members because they all blame the wife although the couple has not divulged too many details to them. However , the lady in question has no mother and her father and her only brother are both  neutral because they feel that being negative may spoil things more and they genuinely like her husband.So, it looks all the more that it is the fault of the wife which is not the case ! I also feel that his family has been the cause to some extent but I may be going only by her own account ..

I am not in favor of legal separation. If they are interested in another marriage than legal separation is necessary, other wise what is purpose of divorce. Remember every husband and wife have soft corner for each other. If they don't like to live together than can live separate without divorce. Gulzar and Rakhi is example of it, they are living separate for 40 years without legal separation. No one knows when we feel that we need each other. All doors will closed after legal separation.

usha manohar wrote:

Of course mutual adjustment is a way of life everywhere ...Not just you but I find most Indian men never learn to cook and look after themselves , so I feel that it is imperative for mothers to make sure that their sons know some basic knowledge of cooking ..

Fortunately, All my children are very good cooks. When they are with us, we together go for a movie or for a a visit her old friends or my friends. We utilize their visit to the fullest extent.

If they intend to remarry after divorce, legal separation/ divorce is necessary. If on the other hand they inrend to live singe after separation, formal divorce or judicial separation is not necessary. They may live separate even without announcement. 

@ anil, I too would agree with that because a divorce proceeding is long drawn and very expensive and as is the case here in India, normally it is the wife who gets a raw deal, I have seen many such cases ..It is better to live separately and have their freedom!

@ Gulshan , As of now they want to live separately , in fact the wife is already living with her father and may continue to be with him.Divorce is definitely not a practical solution here in India since it is still very much one sided !

Staying together for 26 years with full of dissatisfaction is not healthy living. I may sound very harsh but I would consider myself as practical because there is no reason to stay together in one house when both have drifted apart emotionally and mentally. Formal or informal divorce cannot be a joyous and fun filled choice but it will definitely be a less taxing and would offer mental peace.     

Divorce cases  last for years. The lawyers who charge astronomical amounts are the real beneficiaries. Additionally adjournment after adjournment cause mental depression.And there will be threatening and warnings by the other party. All these factors together makes the one who seeks divorce a mental wreck.

@ Shampa, when there is constant friction and bickering it creates a very unhealthy atmosphere so much so that even close relatives and friends hesitate to visit the couple , lest they get caught up in the middle of one of their fights.Now that they have been living separately, there will be the issue of compensation without which she becomes dependent because she has quit her job or rather made to quit her job by the husband.Even a separation has its own set of problems ..