The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.
"Madam," he announced, "I m the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, I know you didn't, but your neighbours did.
A guy who played trombone in the opera had a fantastic gig on the day he had to play in the opera. He tried to find a replacement but without success. Finally, he went to his housekeeper and convinced him to do the replacement. "I will give you my other trombone. You just look and see what the guy next to you is doing and it will be okay."
Next morning, he asked the housekeeper how it was.
Catastrophe! your colleague also sent his housekeeper to replace him.
Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
Have you any last requests? Asked the chaplain.
Yes, replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I'm an undercover dectective," the cop answers.
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off!"
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
