Funny jokes

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Detective: How did you get into counterfeiting?
Criminal: I answered an ad that said, "Make money at home."

What do you call an angry monster?
Sir!

Why is Dracula so unpopular?
Because he’s a pain in the neck!

Why did the skeleton go the party?
For a rattling good time!

Who has webbed feet and fangs?
Count Quackula!

What runs around a cemetery but doesn't move?
A fence!

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with!

What does a witch ask for when she goes to a hotel?
Broom service!

Where do ghosts pick up their mail?
At the ghost office!

What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock ?
He got ticks !

Why are graveyards so noisy ?
Because of all the coffin !

Why did the witch travel on a broom?
She couldn't afford a Vacuum Cleaner.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend!

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street?
Buckle your sheet belt!

What did one vampire say to the other?
Fangs aren’t what they used to be!

When do werewolves go trick or treating?
Howl-oween!

What should a short-sighted ghost have?
Spooktacles!

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
Do you believe in people?

Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one!

A married couple went to the hospital to have their first baby. While there, a new doctor told them he’d invented a machine which could transfer the mother’s labor pains to the father. Th continue reading

A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple continue reading

A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on the leash and says…
“Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”
The wife, lying in the bed readi

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
“Is your Dad home?”
“No sir, he isn’t; he wen

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.” “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I f

A couple are in the throes of a divorce, and are attending court over the custody of their young son.
In order to properly assess the situation, the judge takes the young lad into chambers;

A couple are in the throes of a divorce, and are attending court over the custody of their young son.
In order to properly assess the situation, the judge takes the young lad into chambers; 

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to

The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out “The President Sucks.” Infuriated, he called on the secr

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last 5p.
“I invested t

A blonde is out of money and (after buying air at a real bargain) needed money desperately. To get some cash, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom just like in Hollywood movies.
She went to a playground, grabbed a kid randomly, and told the kid, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a bag and leave it under the mango tree next to the playground. Signed, A naughty blonde.” Continue reading…

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodka.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yes, my wife…”

A man is at DMV.
[DMV Worker] Name, please?
[Man] Abdul Khan.
[DMV Worker] S*x?
[Man] Yes. Three to five times a week.
[DMV Worker] No, no… I mean, male or female?
[Man] Both male and female. And, sometimes with camel.
[DMV Worker] Holy cow!
[Man] Yes, I did one time with a cow, too.
[DMV Worker] But isn ´ t that hostile?
[Man] Horse style, doggy style, any style!
[DMV Worker] Oh dear!
[Man] No, no! ….. No Deer…….. Deer run too fast! )

A man is out walking in New York city when he sees a little girl being chased by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by hitting the dog’s head with a stick and saves the girl’s life.

The girl’s mother rushes over to him: “Thank you so much for saving my little girl. You are a true hero. Tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about ‘Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl’”