Funny jokes

Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give
5 to Priya,
3 to Sonia and
2 to Neha
then what will u get????

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Kid: 3 New Girlfriends Mam!!!

Laloo and Rabri apply for divorce.

Judge: You have 9 children, how will you divide them equally.

Laloo thinks for a moment and tells Rabri: Dear, let's move home, we will apply for divorce after 9 months.

A Gujarati decides to study English. He learns an essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam an essay on 'FATHER' comes.

He replaced friend with father in the essay. It read:

I am a very fatherly person, I have many fathers. Some of my fathers are male and some are female. I have a new neighbor, I wish to make him my new father.

Q) Why did the Gujju go to Rome ?
A) The Guju wanted to listen to POPE music!.

Two Sweet Gujaratis, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts.

First Gujarati: What's big in going to the moon, anybody can go there. We are Gujaratis. We will go direct to the sun.

Second Gujrati: But sun is too hot, it will melt us.

First Gujarati: So what, we will go at night.

Santa: What is the difference between “complete and finish”?

Banta: When you marry a right person you are complete and when you marry the wrong one you are finished !!!!!

Hi students !

Today, we will let you know the shortcut to success:

"Behind every successful Man, there is a WOMAN...

So, don't waste time in your studies...
just find a woman..."

A Pakistani army soldier walks into his officer's room.

To impress him, the army office picks the phone, dials a number and said "Yes sir, I understand sir. I will tell the Prime Minister. Goodbye."

Looking at the soldier he barked "What do you want?"
"Nothing sir." he replied. "I just came to install your telephone."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop.
J(ohnny):I want a pistol
S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols)
J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this,
S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose?
J: For shooting cans.
S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one.
J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one.
S: And what cans will you shoot at?
J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans...

A FOOLISH man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC

What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.