Funny jokes

A couple are in the throes of a divorce, and are attending court over the custody of their young son.
In order to properly assess the situation, the judge takes the young lad into chambers;

A couple are in the throes of a divorce, and are attending court over the custody of their young son.
In order to properly assess the situation, the judge takes the young lad into chambers; 

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to

The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out “The President Sucks.” Infuriated, he called on the secr

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last 5p.
“I invested t

A blonde is out of money and (after buying air at a real bargain) needed money desperately. To get some cash, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom just like in Hollywood movies.
She went to a playground, grabbed a kid randomly, and told the kid, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a bag and leave it under the mango tree next to the playground. Signed, A naughty blonde.” Continue reading…

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodka.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yes, my wife…”

A man is at DMV.
[DMV Worker] Name, please?
[Man] Abdul Khan.
[DMV Worker] S*x?
[Man] Yes. Three to five times a week.
[DMV Worker] No, no… I mean, male or female?
[Man] Both male and female. And, sometimes with camel.
[DMV Worker] Holy cow!
[Man] Yes, I did one time with a cow, too.
[DMV Worker] But isn ´ t that hostile?
[Man] Horse style, doggy style, any style!
[DMV Worker] Oh dear!
[Man] No, no! ….. No Deer…….. Deer run too fast! )

A man is out walking in New York city when he sees a little girl being chased by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by hitting the dog’s head with a stick and saves the girl’s life.

The girl’s mother rushes over to him: “Thank you so much for saving my little girl. You are a true hero. Tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about ‘Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl’”

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who recommended him to take history or logical thinking class.
“What’s logical thinking?” the first redneck asked.

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”

The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.”

The trucker replies: “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”

A football comedy..
A guy who went to a packed World cup game was surprised to see an empty seat in front stands.

During half time, he went to the chap sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was vaccant..

"Not really, It was my wife's seat. We had never missed a world cup ever, But now she is dead." he told him.

Oh, I am sorry, but didnt you want any of your relatives to accompany you>?

" I would have liked that, but they've all gone to my wife's funeral".

snowman blow
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?

A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Sikhs vs Pope
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had to leave Italy

Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh community.So the Pope made a deal

He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sikh community

If the Sikh won, the Sikhs could stay. If the Pope won, the Sikhs would leave.

The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named
Harbinder Singh to represent them .Harbinder asked for one additional condition to the debate

To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came .Harbinder Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Harbinder looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Harbinder pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.

Harbinder pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Sikhs can stay.'

An hour later, the cardinals were gathered around the Pope asking him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still One God common to both our religions.

Then, I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.

He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.

Then, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.

He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'

Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Harbinder Singh.

'What happened?' they asked.

'Well,' said Harbinder, 'First he said to me that the Sikhs had three days to get out of here.

I told him not one of us was leaving.

Santa in miami beach
One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America . A lady came asked him, "Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, " No, I am Banta Singh."

Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!"
Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"

Santa in miami beach
One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America . A lady came asked him, "Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, " No, I am Banta Singh."

Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!"
Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"

wow.. you are superb.. you are the one who is making this thread more beautiful....... keep it up...

School Kid: Why are some of your hair white mom?

Mom: Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hair turns white.

Funny Kid thought for a moment, and then said, "Mamma, how come *all* of grandma’s hair are white?”

Santa: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?

Banta: Yes, their dog is our dog's brother.