Funny jokes

"An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country."
Ambrose Bierce

"An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country."
Ambrose Bierce

The Internal Revenue Code is about 10 times the size of the Bible and, unlike the Bible, contains no good news.
- Don Rickles

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
Robert McCloskey

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"
"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."
"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.
"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.
The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven... but only for 2 days."

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express
my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs...
I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that........

Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

SANTA comes to school with 1 black and 1 white shoe.
Teacher - Go home and change.
SANTA- sir, ghar meSANTA comes to school with 1 black and 1 white shoe.
Teacher - Go home and change.
SANTA- sir, ghar me bhi ek black aur white hi hai. bhi ek black aur white hi hai.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Detective: How did you get into counterfeiting?
Criminal: I answered an ad that said, "Make money at home."

What do you call an angry monster?
Sir!

Why is Dracula so unpopular?
Because he’s a pain in the neck!

Why did the skeleton go the party?
For a rattling good time!

Who has webbed feet and fangs?
Count Quackula!

What runs around a cemetery but doesn't move?
A fence!

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with!

What does a witch ask for when she goes to a hotel?
Broom service!

Where do ghosts pick up their mail?
At the ghost office!

What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock ?
He got ticks !

Why are graveyards so noisy ?
Because of all the coffin !

Why did the witch travel on a broom?
She couldn't afford a Vacuum Cleaner.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend!

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street?
Buckle your sheet belt!

What did one vampire say to the other?
Fangs aren’t what they used to be!

When do werewolves go trick or treating?
Howl-oween!

What should a short-sighted ghost have?
Spooktacles!

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
Do you believe in people?

Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one!

A married couple went to the hospital to have their first baby. While there, a new doctor told them he’d invented a machine which could transfer the mother’s labor pains to the father. Th continue reading

A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple continue reading

A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on the leash and says…
“Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”
The wife, lying in the bed readi

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
“Is your Dad home?”
“No sir, he isn’t; he wen

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.” “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I f