Change yourself not your roomy

These are usually is small conflicts between the friends those becomes the reasons of breakup, and that is especially true in cases of roommates. We can always find those reasons and try to resolve them because there is no guarantee that the next friend whom you chose to be your room partner may not have some thing that irritates you more than what your current roomy is doing. Therefore, this is advisable to rectify the problems easily tackled. 

Actually, there are a few simple solutions to rectify such conflicts arising in between the friends especially roommates. First and more important is to understand the reasons of conflict and then to develop the ability to cope up to find a proper solution. If any of the friends, who is having a problem with another one posses such qualities then sorting out the conflict is not a big deal. 

This is due to not knowing each other well  

Yes, the reasons of conflicts in between the roomies are mostly due to not knowing each other and their mentality properly. They do not understand or totally misunderstand the needs of each other to come to terms. One of them maybe too shy or the other too extrovert could well be the reasons of the problem.

There is a simple solution to this problem that while the tension exists, there is no way you can reach to a conclusion, better try it out to talk I out in detail while the situation is in normal mode. That would certainly provide you with a positive result. The proper distribution of work is the main cause of problems most of the times.

The main conflict begins while one of the roomy is too demanding and wants the other partner to do almost every pending job right from cooking to tidy-up. That certainly sounds the danger alarm because this is not proper work distribution. The partners either must talk it out before hand and reach to a proper work chart or do their own work without expecting the other partner to do it for you.  

The best way to save a conflict is to make a list of jobs, distribute the work properly without a hitch, and stick to it strictly. See to it that the workload shared is equally and properly and the time available to partners is suitable. Suppose a partner allotted a job while that is his time out, would not be suitable. This is better to inform the partner in advance if some thing goes wrong and the work allotted to a particular partner would not be possible to carry out. That would save both of them from many problems.

Lack of coping ability

As I said earlier that if, one of the partners has coping ability the problem can be controlled easily but in case both of the partners lack it then there is no way but to learn it according to situation. This would be better to read the behavior of your partner and try to re-adjust with that. You shall have to compromise a little but remember the compromise should be up to a certain level only. Compromises beyond a limit or at the cost of your own respect are not advisable.

Never share personal matters beyond a certain point

Some people do not hesitate to share personal matters with any one anywhere. What I feel this is not a good habit because you never know when the other one does share them with others or misuse those matters. That is one habit that may create a misunderstanding if not intercepted properly therefore give your partner some time to before sharing emotions or personal information.

Now you have two options

First, you should see if the problem is not at your end, you could check it with reversing the roles. Keep yourself in his place and him at yours. Try to make a checklist and see who is at the receiving end. Just listen to your own heart and find out what does your morale sense tells you! Listening skills are important in such cases, if your partner scores better than you do while it comes to listening patiently, you should consider that he gives importance to what you have to say. Listening skills are clear indications of guilty or not guilty.

Second, you should not compromise with any one who is not ready to change despite your all out efforts or uses your belongings without even your permission. If your partner not sharing the expenses in a proper manner but using the common items without problem whatsoever. 

Moreover, the worst of them all if your partner checks your personal items without your consent and even use them. The one who brings his friends and relatives often in the room to stay is not worth staying with as a roomy. I would not like to stay with any one who has no cooperative nature and does not stand together in my time of distress.

Turn to the second and third pages of your daily newspaper and you will surely come across some cases of domestic violence making the headlines. A further study into the news reports and you know how the relations between couples now days are falling apart as a result of rising violence in the homes. It is true that in most of the cases the weaker sex that is the women are the victims but the recent outburst of domestic violence cases against men cannot be overlooked.

According to an online survey conducted by Save Family Foundation and My Nation Foundation in April 2005 and March 2006 it was shockingly found that out of 100,000 men who took the survey 98% of them faced severe domestic violence at the hands of their wives and in-laws in the form of verbal, physical, emotional, mental and financial abuse. Another shocking revelation was made by the National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB), which stated that the number of suicides in the country has increased by 40% during the decade 1996 – 2006. A whopping 26.1 % of the total number of suicides is attributed to domestic violence, 16.6% out of which married men out did the numbers of women. This data clearly outlines that men facing various forms of abuses in the hands of their wives is not just part of the jokes but a grim reality of the society. While women in India find it much easier to file cases of domestic abuse against their partners, the law fails to include the men under its shelter who face this evil at the hands of their wives. The “Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act”, (DVA) was passed in the year 2005. This Act primarily protects the wife from domestic violence at the hands of the husband or live-in partner and does not cover the male victims of it. This is evident from the present laws that why the men who are victimized by their wives have no alternatives and often tend to end their lives or move out of the relation without teaching them a lesson.

Often men who are harassed by their female partners tend to not bring the cases to light fearing the embarrassment he may have to face in the society. One knows that if his weakness to suffer at the hands of her wife comes to light he will surely become a laughing stock for his friends and society. His friends will joke and will raise eyebrows at his manly characteristics. This hesitation of men can be attributed to the old thinking of the society where man is the supreme sex. These domestically abused males fail to get full support of the police and at present there are only a few NGOs and organizations who offer help to these victims. The government should enforce strict laws to ensure that gender equality persists in the society and the laws should cover both the sexes with no partiality towards any one gender. Another fact associated with the evil of domestic violence is that most of these cases have spurred among partners who had arranged marriages or were pushed into the courtship by their families. Even if one goes with the idea of arranged marriages the couples should go for pre marital counseling to avoid the problems in their married lives. Also they should spend some time in knowing each other rather than taking a sudden plunge into the serious association of marriage. With strict laws to provide cover to both men and women and awareness in the society these issues can be curbed to a great extent.

Are we independent?

When gave us the hope of a ‘Swaraj’ that meant self-rule, a rule for Indian citizens by Indian citizens according to Indian traditions. We are independent today, the word comes from independence, which means free from every limitation, all kind of regulations and controls from the powers those keep us with in discipline. We are independent from every discipline and rules today, we really have no value for rules or discipline whatsoever those make a nation great or ordinary.

To be very frank we do not know the real meaning of self-rule and accepted independence in its true value, we do not want to follow even the smallest of rules of regulations of the law because we are truly independent. But, who is responsible for teaching us this lawless behavior? A child is not born to behave against the rules, he in fact learns every thing what he see his elders doing. We are doing what our leaders are teaching us today. They have no respect foe law and consider themselves above every thing so what is wrong if citizens of this country are following their leaders. Leaders are supposed to lead us in every field.  

Youth is the hope of our nation

True, youth is the hope of any nation but many of them are under the bad habits, which they learn seeing their leaders doing so shamelessly. This has done irreparable harm for this country and unless they learn to live under strict control and rule of law, there is no way this country could avoid a total disaster. 

We gained a little but lost a lot

There should be absolutely no doubts or controversies about the gains our country has secured during the last sixty-five years but there are some bigger changes in our society, which pull us back. The corruption, crime, deaths due to hunger, crimes against women, unemployment and disrespect towards law and order are the order of the day. Difference between the casts is on the rise, which was supposed to eradicate with in a stipulated period. 

Government is the main culprit

Don’t you think our governments have done nothing but helped increase the system of cast, creed and religion based differences in our society? They give us a slogan to eradicate the cast system and on the other hand the y require us to write us our surname and cast while filling any forms related to government work, job, admission in any institutes or whatever. That is not going to help the cause of getting rid from this evil of cast and not to forget the vote bank based politics.

We are living based on credit

We used to think in different terms as far credit was concerned, we thought this was a burden on us as long as we had the credit not repaid. Now credit is the way of life, we can get it as much and as fast as we wish. As a matter fact any one who has the slightest of earning can go for a credit-card and spend as much as he wish without thinking for ways to repay them. We need a car, house and other luxury items even before we have paid the loan we had taken for our education. Life is full of burden crying under the loans we acquired for needed and unneeded items.

We have become bigger than elders

Most people have lost the old ways of paying respects to elders because we have converted to western culture up to a great extent that permits us to behave shabbily or rudely with mother, father or even more so with grand parents because using uncultured is culture of the day. We used to talk with respect with elders and now we expect them to talk with respect while they talking with us.

We are far more independent today. We have forgotten the stories, which these grandparents used to recite for us while we were younger and the walk we used to go for with our fingers in their hands or we on their laps. These all are stories of past. Today there are no fairy tails or tellers in the age of nuclear families. Children are watching cartoon networks and behaving like cartoons themselves. New television characters have replaced the old story-characters and making their own effects on new generation today

However, we have not taking into account that out door games used to help develop a sense of cooperation and fitness in children while these video games are making them lazier. The games the kids played in a playground helped them developing the art of leadership while the video games are affecting their brains adversely and making them lonely besides the obesity is the worst effect while sitting playing these games without any physical effort.

However, no one is worried we are more independent today. More people are coming to stay in cities where they think there are better job opportunities and living in hutments far worse than their own villages with lot more respect and natural resources. However, they understand it too late while they loose their properties and fields back home and left with no option but rickshaw-pulling, collecting garbage or becoming labor on daily wages basis. They never hear the sounds of birds, their way of life.

What is the use of such a campaign?

If revenue earned through liquor and tobacco is the main income of our central government then what is the use of state run campaigns against these items on television? I would prefer a poorer India but no way that people walking on the roads under the influence of liquor on the roads doing evil things. However, our government that speaks so much against liquor in public invents new ways to generate more revenue through this mother of evil without ever thinking about its responsibility.

What is the use of making lectures against cast and creed or differences in society when the representatives of government themselves are most responsible of dividing the nation into small sections for the sake of vote bank politics. We can see indecency in the behavior of politicians sitting and making big lectures about casts etc. in the different houses but when it comes to implementing the same they find themselves in a different mode and leave no stone unturned to take advantage of cast and creed for their own benefit.

Alright we are independent but we are not happy

However, we need another fight against such an independence that we are enjoying today because so much of independence has made us so corrupted and taken at such a point that we cannot turnaround without a major action. I am sure the freedom fighters never thought that our country would be in such corrupt hands once we got our so-called independence, which allows them to loot them the nation so shamelessly without any fear of being ever punished for the same. 

We were in a better position as far as cast extra is concerned because we were not as divided pre independence based on cast and religion as we are today, now every matter is decided taking cast and religion into account. People including men and women who did their best and even sacrificed their lives for the sake of independence for this country might never have thought in their wildest of dreams that the women one day would not dare to go out of their houses due to fear of unsocial elements in our own society. This is not the independence they might have had the dream of and looking for ourselves. 

We have become free from the grip of foreigners but bigger slaves of unwanted system and customs. We can look for a Pizza coming faster than an ambulance, where car loan is available on 7% and education loan for 12%. An Olympic bronze medalist gets Rs. Fifty millions and the one who sacrifices his life fighting for safety of citizens of the country gets mere few thousands. Where 20 million youngsters can wait for days for audition for a dance or song reality show but none turns up on a polling booth. However, we are independent and can do what we like in the name of independence. I wish you a Happy and real Independence my fellow countrymen.

We should learn the value of adjustment

There is no second opinion about the fact that people tend to stress too fast due to life style of the present age. The life itself has become too fast to make almost every one feel the heat of it and becoming a victim of stress. You can hear every one or any one having some thing to say the problems they are having with their coworkers, relatives or even friends. 

The situation seems to be getting out of hands up to extent that most people having such problems are almost on the verge of depressed state. What we do not understand at the beginning that a lack of proper care to find a solution for such small stresses, which take place due to lack of understanding initially. Therefore this is wise to not to ignore small problems, which are root causes of bigger problems to come and become critical. 

Here are few examples - which are self-explanatory

I know a girl, who got married recently, say about five months back who was a very good mannered, cheerful and smart daughter before marriage in every sense. However, the atmosphere of her husband’s home is so very different from her own parent’s house that she felt tensed from the third day itself. You may find it small problem but for Rimy the girl in question this was too big. She was used to getting up at eight in the morning at her parents and here at in-laws’ every one was up by five in the morning.

This sounds such a small problem for us when we hear that a girl faces stress just because she could not manage to wake up at five in place of eight. True, she should have tried but she rather chooses to be some one ranting about it and making it a big problem. Even the food and life style that was different from her parents’ house stressed her a lot and she was making complaint about every thing with her husband. Later while her parents made her understand the realities, she did manage it perfectly well and leading a happy life now. 

Let me share another case of a teenager who is a student of class twelfth, she cannot stand slightest resemblance of a joke at her cost although girls her age tend to cut many of such jokes while sitting in groups. She always finds it too hard to digest if her close friends make even a healthy comment on any of her weaknesses. She feels it so bad that she does not talk to them for days together and this takes a lot to make her normal again, which may some times last for weeks. She does not take a comment even from her teachers in normal sense. This is part of the life for most but a big tension for this particular girl.

Adjustment is the key

Most cases of maladjustment or lack of adjustment happens with women (I hope I am not asking for trouble if a lady editor is reading this) that too with young women who number up to 90% with stress problems due unable to handle adjustment with some thing or the other at any given point. Such youngsters try to find out some thing or other to make a point of issue to show their own importance. The unmarried girls are finding it tough to adjust with sisters or brothers and making very small points look very big, which otherwise can be solved easily.

If the young married women are finding it tough to adjust with other ladies in the family the matured, (although not all - another chance of a lady editor finding it offensive) finding adjustment problems with their husbands on different grounds. The problems that may look small at the beginning may convert into bigger later resulting in big issues and even reaching to a stage where separation or even suicide’s attempts are possible.

Whenever we discuss about depression and tension we usually find the lack of communication being the biggest reasons of adjustment problem, which could be solved easily with having an open discussion on the topic and going deeper on to the root cause of a particular problem. Discussion is the only solution as long as there is no ego problem in between the two parties at the loggerheads and willing to normalize the situation.  There is no use elastifying the problem that is good for no one. 

There are certain rules to follow

 There is no use keeping an unsatisfied or uncooperative mood on all occasions.

 There is no harm making compromises some times for the sake of family or friends that would help.

 What is the harm in pointing out the particular problem and find a solution with a mutual dialogue?

 As they say ‘catch the mother of evil’ that means the person with whom you find hard to adjust with talk in detail and put your point of views clearly, never forget to listen to them as well.

 Avoid sarcastic comments. That will save you from deeper troubles.

 I think this is better to avoid being hyperactive at the drop of a hat, try to give it a second thought. You shall have your chance to handle the situation in a better way.

 This is always a better option to give a chance to someone to clear his stance that is irritating you with his behavior. He could make his position clear; this could be some thing not that irritating later.

 Never stop communication that would only increase complications and close the doors of negotiations.

 I agree that in most cases the other party is wrong but just in case- think about your own attitude. I am bit hesitant but we too are wrong in some of the cases.

I know these are simple points and almost every one knows about these ordinary methods. However, when it comes to implementing these in our life we always want some one else to take an initiative as if we are the perfect most and cannot commit a mistake in our life therefore, this is wise to act according to situation and save the situation.