Changing relationships ....

I completely agree with Vaishnavi regarding her point about understand the thinking of children........A patient listening is required from both sides in this regard. Also children , as they grow up, should be more interactive with their parents and should try to make them understand that the environment they are in has changed now, should tell their parents that what their peers/friends do and how the things are moving around them.
Generally parents love to compare thier children with others and children can utilise this opportunity to make their parents understand them more :)

The problem usually arises from the fact that most parents are very reluctant to let their children free and accept that they are no longer dependent on the parents. Usually this is a cause of major friction. This attitude is what drives the parents to keep interfering with their children's decisions and making it look like the children do not listen to them!

You have rightly said that most of the parents find it difficult to accept that the children are no longer dependent on them. I think when the children start acting independent, parents feel that they are losing their importance, so keep on imposing their decisions on them. However, it affects not only the relation ship between the parents and their children but also that of children with other people around them. So, parents should definitely learn to give space to their children.

True Jabeen! That is the major cause of friction, especially after the son is married. He wants to be independent and wants to do certain things and take decisions along with his wife,. not his mother and that sets fire to the relationship between the MIL and the DIL!

I see some mothers being so possessive, not letting their sons leave town and go elsewhere for work even if it means better job opportunity ! They dont seem to realise that it can backfire on them at later date...

This reminds me of a girl in my team. She was newly married at the age of 24 and her husband was an IT engineer, the only son who was born quite late. The mother was so much possessive of her son and she did not even allow this girl to have a cup of coffee with him after his return home in the evenings. They were not even allowed to spend more than 10 minutes alone in their room, she immediately started knocking on their door and used to load up chores to do for this girl! :blink:

With time and maturity our relationships too change with people around us, especially with our spouses and children too...The problem with many parents is that they fail to realise that the children have grown and become independent and need space , so instead of bad mouthing them with others and grumbling all the time , if they take the trouble to understand them things would be far better as far as their interaction and future relationship is concerned...

Yes we can see many parents still see their children as kids and never give freedom to them.

The problem usually arises from the fact that most parents are very reluctant to let their children free and accept that they are no longer dependent on the parents. Usually this is a cause of major friction. This attitude is what drives the parents to keep interfering with their children's decisions and making it look like the children do not listen to them!

You have rightly said that most of the parents find it difficult to accept that the children are no longer dependent on them. I think when the children start acting independent, parents feel that they are losing their importance, so keep on imposing their decisions on them. However, it affects not only the relation ship between the parents and their children but also that of children with other people around them. So, parents should definitely learn to give space to their children.

True Jabeen! That is the major cause of friction, especially after the son is married. He wants to be independent and wants to do certain things and take decisions along with his wife,. not his mother and that sets fire to the relationship between the MIL and the DIL!

I see some mothers being so possessive, not letting their sons leave town and go elsewhere for work even if it means better job opportunity ! They dont seem to realise that it can backfire on them at later date...

This reminds me of a girl in my team. She was newly married at the age of 24 and her husband was an IT engineer, the only son who was born quite late. The mother was so much possessive of her son and she did not even allow this girl to have a cup of coffee with him after his return home in the evenings. They were not even allowed to spend more than 10 minutes alone in their room, she immediately started knocking on their door and used to load up chores to do for this girl! :blink:

Kalyani, frankly I don;t understand how this happens? what exactly is their state of mind etc....Parents, more so the mothers probably need to go in for counselling when the son gets married. Christians have this done by the church authorities and I feel it is a very wise thing to do... It is a kind of insecurity and possessiveness both of which probably make them behave in that manner.

The problem usually arises from the fact that most parents are very reluctant to let their children free and accept that they are no longer dependent on the parents. Usually this is a cause of major friction. This attitude is what drives the parents to keep interfering with their children's decisions and making it look like the children do not listen to them!

You have rightly said that most of the parents find it difficult to accept that the children are no longer dependent on them. I think when the children start acting independent, parents feel that they are losing their importance, so keep on imposing their decisions on them. However, it affects not only the relation ship between the parents and their children but also that of children with other people around them. So, parents should definitely learn to give space to their children.

True Jabeen! That is the major cause of friction, especially after the son is married. He wants to be independent and wants to do certain things and take decisions along with his wife,. not his mother and that sets fire to the relationship between the MIL and the DIL!

I see some mothers being so possessive, not letting their sons leave town and go elsewhere for work even if it means better job opportunity ! They dont seem to realise that it can backfire on them at later date...

This reminds me of a girl in my team. She was newly married at the age of 24 and her husband was an IT engineer, the only son who was born quite late. The mother was so much possessive of her son and she did not even allow this girl to have a cup of coffee with him after his return home in the evenings. They were not even allowed to spend more than 10 minutes alone in their room, she immediately started knocking on their door and used to load up chores to do for this girl! :blink:

Kalyani, frankly I don;t understand how this happens? what exactly is their state of mind etc....Parents, more so the mothers probably need to go in for counselling when the son gets married. Christians have this done by the church authorities and I feel it is a very wise thing to do... It is a kind of insecurity and possessiveness both of which probably make them behave in that manner.

Yes, I have heard about special premarital counseling in churches, I think it is time to adopt similar practices in Hindu religion too, why just Hindu, in fact everyone needs to understand this simple fact that the when the son turns adult, he has his own life and can make his own decisions. But I have also seen that even sons twist this attitude of their mothers to suit their own needs, they also do not make many efforts to become free totally. :blink:

The problem usually arises from the fact that most parents are very reluctant to let their children free and accept that they are no longer dependent on the parents. Usually this is a cause of major friction. This attitude is what drives the parents to keep interfering with their children's decisions and making it look like the children do not listen to them!

You have rightly said that most of the parents find it difficult to accept that the children are no longer dependent on them. I think when the children start acting independent, parents feel that they are losing their importance, so keep on imposing their decisions on them. However, it affects not only the relation ship between the parents and their children but also that of children with other people around them. So, parents should definitely learn to give space to their children.

True Jabeen! That is the major cause of friction, especially after the son is married. He wants to be independent and wants to do certain things and take decisions along with his wife,. not his mother and that sets fire to the relationship between the MIL and the DIL!

I see some mothers being so possessive, not letting their sons leave town and go elsewhere for work even if it means better job opportunity ! They dont seem to realise that it can backfire on them at later date...

This reminds me of a girl in my team. She was newly married at the age of 24 and her husband was an IT engineer, the only son who was born quite late. The mother was so much possessive of her son and she did not even allow this girl to have a cup of coffee with him after his return home in the evenings. They were not even allowed to spend more than 10 minutes alone in their room, she immediately started knocking on their door and used to load up chores to do for this girl! :blink:

Kalyani, frankly I don;t understand how this happens? what exactly is their state of mind etc....Parents, more so the mothers probably need to go in for counselling when the son gets married. Christians have this done by the church authorities and I feel it is a very wise thing to do... It is a kind of insecurity and possessiveness both of which probably make them behave in that manner.

tts both insecurity and possessiveness that makes a mother feel that her son was snatched away by another woman. This feeling I have observed in educated women also.

I suppose the sons feel that trying to have a frank talk with their mothers may make them unhappy, so they dont want to take a chance...I have also seen that men in general have this habit of putting off issues as long as possible....
Where feelings are concerned education doesnt really help, it is the personality,attitude and the mental make up of a lady/man that really counts.
I also wanted to share a horrifying incident that is supposed to have taken last month in UP where one of my friend works for a NGO bringing in social awareness.They happened to witness a gruesome ceremony where a three day old girl baby was ceremoniously drowned in a large basin of milk and buried, with the entire village, the panch members and the parents watching it . According to the police it was done because the mother wanted it as she already has two daughters...when this is the kind of mindset that is prevalent, no wonder that mothers became possessive about their sons...

Parents should change with the time as they cannot treat their kids like kids when they grow up. I have seen it in many families parents don't change themselves even their kids grow causing all sort of problems. In my case I remember when I was a kid my father used to impose things on me which I rarely find it he just give me advices which depends on me to follow or not and that's the way. :blink:

To a certain extent I can understand parents trying to take control of their children's life simply because it is difficult to know when your children are grown up and are able to take responsibilities I still do it with my younger daughter about her food, outings and other issues which she laughs off...but on the whole it is better to let go and give advice only when it is asked for is what I feel ...

I suppose the sons feel that trying to have a frank talk with their mothers may make them unhappy, so they dont want to take a chance...I have also seen that men in general have this habit of putting off issues as long as possible....
Where feelings are concerned education doesnt really help, it is the personality,attitude and the mental make up of a lady/man that really counts.
I also wanted to share a horrifying incident that is supposed to have taken last month in UP where one of my friend works for a NGO bringing in social awareness.They happened to witness a gruesome ceremony where a three day old girl baby was ceremoniously drowned in a large basin of milk and buried, with the entire village, the panch members and the parents watching it . According to the police it was done because the mother wanted it as she already has two daughters...when this is the kind of mindset that is prevalent, no wonder that mothers became possessive about their sons...

If the sons do not discuss these issues frankly with their mother in order NOT to make them unhappy, they end up making themselves, their wives and others unhappy....

I suppose the sons feel that trying to have a frank talk with their mothers may make them unhappy, so they dont want to take a chance...I have also seen that men in general have this habit of putting off issues as long as possible....
Where feelings are concerned education doesnt really help, it is the personality,attitude and the mental make up of a lady/man that really counts.
I also wanted to share a horrifying incident that is supposed to have taken last month in UP where one of my friend works for a NGO bringing in social awareness.They happened to witness a gruesome ceremony where a three day old girl baby was ceremoniously drowned in a large basin of milk and buried, with the entire village, the panch members and the parents watching it . According to the police it was done because the mother wanted it as she already has two daughters...when this is the kind of mindset that is prevalent, no wonder that mothers became possessive about their sons...

Oh my God!! That's really horrible!! I know that this particular ritual is called as 'dudhpiti' and used to fairly rampant in Rajasthan and Haryana but was not aware that this ritual is carried out in UP as well!! On one hand, people have already started facing the consequences of declining ratio of girls to boys and here there are still people who drown their newborn baby girls in milk!! :angry: I really feel like crying when I hear of such things! When are these people going to wake up? All of these people are nothing but cold-blooded murderers! :angry:

Parents should change with the time as they cannot treat their kids like kids when they grow up. I have seen it in many families parents don't change themselves even their kids grow causing all sort of problems. In my case I remember when I was a kid my father used to impose things on me which I rarely find it he just give me advices which depends on me to follow or not and that's the way. :blink:

To a certain extent I can understand parents trying to take control of their children's life simply because it is difficult to know when your children are grown up and are able to take responsibilities I still do it with my younger daughter about her food, outings and other issues which she laughs off...but on the whole it is better to let go and give advice only when it is asked for is what I feel ...

Exactly! That is how one should behave! At times even my mum tries to gives advises on some things, especially where my son is concerned. Most times I simply turn a deaf ear but sometimes I have to remind her gently that I am a grown up adult and perfectly capable of taking my decisions! She does feel hurt but then I cannot give in to her!

I suppose the sons feel that trying to have a frank talk with their mothers may make them unhappy, so they dont want to take a chance...I have also seen that men in general have this habit of putting off issues as long as possible....
Where feelings are concerned education doesnt really help, it is the personality,attitude and the mental make up of a lady/man that really counts.
I also wanted to share a horrifying incident that is supposed to have taken last month in UP where one of my friend works for a NGO bringing in social awareness.They happened to witness a gruesome ceremony where a three day old girl baby was ceremoniously drowned in a large basin of milk and buried, with the entire village, the panch members and the parents watching it . According to the police it was done because the mother wanted it as she already has two daughters...when this is the kind of mindset that is prevalent, no wonder that mothers became possessive about their sons...

If the sons do not discuss these issues frankly with their mother in order NOT to make them unhappy, they end up making themselves, their wives and others unhappy....

Thats true, but again looking at it from their point of view, they would rather not take sides and keep doing the tough balancing act as long as possible...but a time comes when he is forced to take sides which may or may not be fair to the other person..

I suppose the sons feel that trying to have a frank talk with their mothers may make them unhappy, so they dont want to take a chance...I have also seen that men in general have this habit of putting off issues as long as possible....
Where feelings are concerned education doesnt really help, it is the personality,attitude and the mental make up of a lady/man that really counts.
I also wanted to share a horrifying incident that is supposed to have taken last month in UP where one of my friend works for a NGO bringing in social awareness.They happened to witness a gruesome ceremony where a three day old girl baby was ceremoniously drowned in a large basin of milk and buried, with the entire village, the panch members and the parents watching it . According to the police it was done because the mother wanted it as she already has two daughters...when this is the kind of mindset that is prevalent, no wonder that mothers became possessive about their sons...

If the sons do not discuss these issues frankly with their mother in order NOT to make them unhappy, they end up making themselves, their wives and others unhappy....

Thats true, but again looking at it from their point of view, they would rather not take sides and keep doing the tough balancing act as long as possible...but a time comes when he is forced to take sides which may or may not be fair to the other person..

What I feel is that most of the people do not have a frank discussions with their parents fearing that it would be considered as an act of disrespect!! I have observed that some parents themselves do not realize how they are affecting their children's life when they do not give them much space and only because the children never tell their parents what they want or what are their expectations from them. Such attitudes can only lead to ill feelings in the relationship later in life.

The discussion has turned more into relationships about mother and children, but times have now affected even other kinds of relationships as well. Especially with friends and next-door neighbours. During my growing up years, all the doors of houses in my neighbourhood used to be open always and all of us could come and go freely wherever we wanted. But now, even when people are at home, the doors as closed tight and will open only a wee bit at fixed times. If you wanted to be friendly with someone or catch up on the gossip, you now have to stick to those times!!! :blink: I really find it disturbing and damaging for the overall social fabric of the society!

The discussion has turned more into relationships about mother and children, but times have now affected even other kinds of relationships as well. Especially with friends and next-door neighbours. During my growing up years, all the doors of houses in my neighbourhood used to be open always and all of us could come and go freely wherever we wanted. But now, even when people are at home, the doors as closed tight and will open only a wee bit at fixed times. If you wanted to be friendly with someone or catch up on the gossip, you now have to stick to those times!!! :blink: I really find it disturbing and damaging for the overall social fabric of the society!

I agree Kalyani, was the same in our ancestral home which had no front door, just a long verandah and an open courtyard in front which would have a temporary roof made of coconut fronds , we all would gather and exchange views.My children love to listen to those accounts since their own life style is totally different, mush more formal ...I guess both have their advantages and disadvantages, but one does feel nostalgic !

We should change our thought according to the changes of our child.As our child grows up their thought is different from our's and we have to accept their way of thinking.

The discussion has turned more into relationships about mother and children, but times have now affected even other kinds of relationships as well. Especially with friends and next-door neighbours. During my growing up years, all the doors of houses in my neighbourhood used to be open always and all of us could come and go freely wherever we wanted. But now, even when people are at home, the doors as closed tight and will open only a wee bit at fixed times. If you wanted to be friendly with someone or catch up on the gossip, you now have to stick to those times!!! :blink: I really find it disturbing and damaging for the overall social fabric of the society!

I agree Kalyani, was the same in our ancestral home which had no front door, just a long verandah and an open courtyard in front which would have a temporary roof made of coconut fronds , we all would gather and exchange views.My children love to listen to those accounts since their own life style is totally different, mush more formal ...I guess both have their advantages and disadvantages, but one does feel nostalgic !

True Usha! There are of course both pros and cons to every kind of living situation, but when I think of my son and other children his age, I really feel a lot disappointed that they are being deprived of so many really humane, beautiful things in life, things that are required to make a well-rounded and sensitive persons, not just solitary, techno-savvy children of today who cannot even stand to have their own grandparents in their room! :blink:

The discussion has turned more into relationships about mother and children, but times have now affected even other kinds of relationships as well. Especially with friends and next-door neighbours. During my growing up years, all the doors of houses in my neighbourhood used to be open always and all of us could come and go freely wherever we wanted. But now, even when people are at home, the doors as closed tight and will open only a wee bit at fixed times. If you wanted to be friendly with someone or catch up on the gossip, you now have to stick to those times!!! :blink: I really find it disturbing and damaging for the overall social fabric of the society!

I agree Kalyani, was the same in our ancestral home which had no front door, just a long verandah and an open courtyard in front which would have a temporary roof made of coconut fronds , we all would gather and exchange views.My children love to listen to those accounts since their own life style is totally different, mush more formal ...I guess both have their advantages and disadvantages, but one does feel nostalgic !

True Usha! There are of course both pros and cons to every kind of living situation, but when I think of my son and other children his age, I really feel a lot disappointed that they are being deprived of so many really humane, beautiful things in life, things that are required to make a well-rounded and sensitive persons, not just solitary, techno-savvy children of today who cannot even stand to have their own grandparents in their room! :blink:

In many families the interaction between grand parents and grand children is almost nil, which is really sad....The grand children dont really care nor do they want to have anything to do with anyone else other than their own family members and friends....Not sure where this is going to lead !

The discussion has turned more into relationships about mother and children, but times have now affected even other kinds of relationships as well. Especially with friends and next-door neighbours. During my growing up years, all the doors of houses in my neighbourhood used to be open always and all of us could come and go freely wherever we wanted. But now, even when people are at home, the doors as closed tight and will open only a wee bit at fixed times. If you wanted to be friendly with someone or catch up on the gossip, you now have to stick to those times!!! :blink: I really find it disturbing and damaging for the overall social fabric of the society!

I agree Kalyani, was the same in our ancestral home which had no front door, just a long verandah and an open courtyard in front which would have a temporary roof made of coconut fronds , we all would gather and exchange views.My children love to listen to those accounts since their own life style is totally different, mush more formal ...I guess both have their advantages and disadvantages, but one does feel nostalgic !

True Usha! There are of course both pros and cons to every kind of living situation, but when I think of my son and other children his age, I really feel a lot disappointed that they are being deprived of so many really humane, beautiful things in life, things that are required to make a well-rounded and sensitive persons, not just solitary, techno-savvy children of today who cannot even stand to have their own grandparents in their room! :blink:

In many families the interaction between grand parents and grand children is almost nil, which is really sad....The grand children dont really care nor do they want to have anything to do with anyone else other than their own family members and friends....Not sure where this is going to lead !

Where are the grand parents in this nuclear family days? Most of them are in old age homes.

With time and maturity our relationships too change with people around us, especially with our spouses and children too...The problem with many parents is that they fail to realise that the children have grown and become independent and need space , so instead of bad mouthing them with others and grumbling all the time , if they take the trouble to understand them things would be far better as far as their interaction and future relationship is concerned...

Many people fail to see the dynamics of relationships and weave illusions around them to be shattered by real-life experiences. There has to be a fine balance between subjective and objective realities in shaping up our attitudes and stances.