As human beings, we are all endowed with the same emotions and feelings.  We are  good in some ways --what we call as strengths.   We also have some bad things in us, which sometimes get exhibited and, more often than not, when we are not even conscious of what we are saying or doing. These are our weaknesses.  One of such things is to have a hugely incorrect opinion of ourselves, and start boasting to others that we, as individuals are capable of doing much more than anyone else in a particular group or even a big team, in the office.

If we are in power, this "I" mentality, often assumes a dangerous position.  Our ego simply overtakes us, and our subordinates learn to live with our egos.  

In fact, we discover ways and means of making each subordinate literally obey what we want them to do, irrespective of whether it is right or wrong.  We do not even think how our behavior will hurt others.  A very common manifestation of this giant sized ego is to insist that the subordinates should obtain approval from us, for the most silly or mundane of things.  For example, if a Deputy Manager were to request for a car for official use, to attend a meeting in the Corporate office in the metro city, which is one hundred kilometers away, we insist that the transport in-charge should not only obtain our permission but also obey our decision as to what car should be made available to the official, even when there are clear guidelines made available by the Management for decisions in this regard.

The transport in-charge has only two choices: to obey our decision and fall in line, and become our "yes man" or take a bold decision, merely informing us of his decision.  The latter course of action is often not liked by us.  We do everything possible to make the subordinate follow our "line of thinking" and "our way of doing things'.

Corporate India is replete with such examples of highly egoistic behavior, which gets reflected in very irrational behavior.  More often than not, any official who dares to question our authority becomes our enemy.

Worse, we carry such egos to our homes, and insist that our wives and children also happily follow our decisions, irrespective of whether they were right or wrong in the first place.  

So, the problem is one of our "giant sized ego".  This becomes a real problem at every level.  Many of us who are into this game, loose sight of one very important thing --- building a team is as important as satisfying our own egos.

Many political parties in India are all one man or one woman shows.  The moment the leader is sick or is dead, there is hardly any leader who can step in and fill the void.  This is also true for ordinary mortals like us.  We do not ever think of our own weaknesses and allow our egos to take over, at any point in time. 

There are several reasons why such attitudes of building the "I" is a sure recipe for disaster, whether it is in the office or at home. 

Firstly, it simply puts off all others who are literally forced to simply fall in line, without any choice.  They often nurse hatred towards us, though they may not openly exhibit it, for a simple reason -- we have all the authority.  Sometimes, the pent up anger simply explodes on some day, and the individual may simply resign his or her job.

Secondly, the "I" in us, totally blinds us to better behaviors that can easily win the voluntary co-operation of all others, including peers, subordinates and even superiors.  With a huge amount of research available in advanced Behavioral Sciences, it is extremely possible to change our behavior by seeking feedback from experts well trained in such advanced research and application thereof, in organizational contexts. 

Thirdly, we can also learn from others, if only we can shed our egos. Sane and good advise, more so, by our well wishers will become more available to us.  We can indeed make good use of such advise to really graduate from the "I" to the "We". 

Fourthly, we can see the larger world in a different perspective and learn to appreciate that we need to do much more than what we are doing now.  For instance, a bank official in Chennai, really thought of "We" and did something very unique --- he started a voluntary organization called Exonora in Chennai, which had a clear mandate of doing something to keep public places clean.  Today, this movement has spread to other parts of Tamil Nadu as well. If only each of us take part in such activities by devoting some time every week, the world will be a much better place to live in.

Fifthly, we need to understand that the very purpose of our lives is not to lead selfish lives.  We also need to do something for the society.  This "something" need not take the form of only money.  Some kind words of appreciation for some good work done, some praise for some good recipe done by our wives, some quality time spent with our children, particularly during dinner time, can go a long way in making our lives far better and meaningful.  

None of the aforesaid things can happen if we are to be obsessed with the "I" in us.  Every single behavior, every single word spoken, or any body language at work, is noticed by so many people, even customers and suppliers.  

Unless we change for the better, we can never do what needs to be done, to graduate towards the "We".

Feedback from others can help a great deal.  For instance, the MBAs from the very good B-schools are very talented and are well trained in applied behavioral sciences.  Even if they are younger than us, if we take them into confidence and ask for frank feedback, we can discover our own weaknesses. For, we need to understand that most of our weaknesses get exhibited, more often than not, without our knowledge, in a sort of semi-conscious state.  

It is not impossible to graduate from the "I" to the "We'.  A little bit of effort is needed, but it can be done.  The time to act is now.  For, it is now or never. 

As Indians, we are experts at aping others.  We like to ape the West in any possible way. This is more so, in matters concerning the inter-personal relationships in families.  Indian marriages are now put to the most severe test, ever, for several reasons. 

A very disturbing trend among young couples in most cities is to get angry for any small thing and blame each other for any lapse.  This is more pronounced among those employed in the IT industry.  Those who love each other at work and then get married, often find themselves at a loss to understand what went wrong  -- even in as little as two years into their marriages.   Even arranged marriages are no better, as one of the life partners in a marriage comes very late to home, and does not have the patience to engage the other in meaningful conversation, leading to breakdown in communication, and difference in opinion on the simplest of things. 

There are problems galore, even in other cases.  For instance, those boys who grow up in urban centers and are more used to the urban way of life, including table manners in the five star hotels, being IT savvy at all times, and so on, do not get well with their wives if the latter happen to be from semi-urban or rural areas.  Even if the wife is a graduate or one with higher qualifications, the husband starts to believe that the way is a misfit.  The TV serials in many languages go a long way in reinforcing such opinions.  Constant abuse and teasing of the wife starts, with disastrous consequences.

So, how does one make things better, and how can more harmony be a way of life in Indian marriages?  

The answers to the aforesaid question may seem very complex, but it is not so.  Actually, we do have a huge cushion for marriages to work.  For marriages to work, both the husband and wife need to look far beyond ordinary mundane quarrels or differences of opinion.  A big amount of openness and transparency is called for.  Once this is in place, other things may be easy to sort out. For example, inviting relatives from either side for social and religious functions may be a good opportunity for a good deal of bonding and emotional support between the husband and wife.

Similarly, the husband needs to understand that as members of the weaker sex, wives have their own physical and emotional problems.  When the wife is also employed, she has to develop ways and means to strike a balance between the work at home and in the office.  This becomes a huge challenge, more so, if the wife has to deal with the in-laws at home.  

Wives in such cases, expect a huge amount of emotional support, and the husband needs to balance the emotional needs of his wife on the one hand, and his own mother on the other.  In very rare cases, the wife gets a highly supportive mother-in-law, but this rarely happens. Ego clashes between the two women is a real challenge for the man, and he has to take on the mantle of managing any problem.  Any imbalance here would lead to further problems.

Having a good network of friends and relatives in the local city or town, can work wonders.  They will really offer good advise, more so, when conflicts seem to be getting out of hand.  

We need to be conscious of the fact that our fathers and mothers had a huge talent in terms of tolerance for ambiguity, managing crisis situations and with fairly less wages in their times.  A little conversation with such elders will through up many new ideas and will offer new avenues for understanding and compassion.

The problem of ego clashes needs to be sorted out soon, and the help of professional counselors can also be sought, just in case there is a need for this.  It is always in the hands of the husband and wife to sort out any problem.  It is never too late.

We need to be alive that Indians have far more emotional intelligence that is common to any marriage.  Learning from success stories can also help a great deal.  

Let us not ape the West in wrecking our marriages.  Let us work towards more harmony, and for this to happen, we need a lot of give and take.  This is easy and it can indeed happen.  

A very disturbing trend that is increasingly seen among the urban nuclear families, particularly ones where both the husband and wife are employed, is to show a great deal of permissiveness towards children.  This is often done to make up for the lack of quality time, lack of communication, and lack of caring and sharing.

However, this could be counter-productive, in both the short term and the long term.  For the children always think that they can get away with whatever they do and also get whatever they want at any point in time.  If this happens before the age of five, a set pattern clearly emerges and it is impossible to undo the damage at a later stage.

What exactly is permissiveness in this context of parent-child relationship?

Permissiveness will simply mean a total non-interference of parents in whatever the children do, at any point in time.  "Freedom" for pride can be very counter productive.  Parents often take pride in telling anyone who would dare to task about the minimum of dysfunctional behavior of their children, about the "freedom" that they had given and continue to give, to their children.

This can be really destructive. Children develop zero compassion for the suffering of others. They do not appreciate that there is a bigger world where millions suffer for even the most basic of things.  In fact such children actually develop a total disdain for the poor and end up even teasing them.  Even if the parents come to know this, they do not bother.  Children often see parents behaving in a very harsh manner with their domestic servants.  They tend to copy the same behavior and think that such bad behavior is perfectly okay at any point in time.

Worse, since money is never a problem, a huge amount of money is happily spent on buying the children the best of computers, laptops, cell phones and what have you.  Playing computer games for well over three hours everyday is becoming very common.

Attention to studies is often not given the importance it deserves.  When the teachers point out that the children are not studying properly, either of the parents or both, find fault with the teachers, telling them that their children are perfectly okay.

The Root cause

Actually, the root cause of the problem of permissiveness, is with the obsession with both the father and mother to go very high in their careers. They become so much addicted to work, and they spend huge amounts of time, even working at home.  Children are left to themselves and, in the absence of grandparents, do not have any one to relate to, or even talk to.  Very often, children hatch on to very bad habits.  All the while, the parents think that they do "so much sacrifice" for the well being of children.  However, they fail to understand that there is a big psychological side to the whole process of bringing up children.

Teaching children good values is as important as getting them the best of comforts.  Respect for elders, the poor and the uneducated are as important as anything else, for a good life in future.

At least on some occasions, the grand parents should be made to come over and spend time with the children.  The children should be taken to orphanages, old age homes, homes for the deaf and dumb, homes for the blind and the like, to understand what life is.  Children of urban nuclear families will start to understand that there is another world, and their world is only a small world, a lucky world of comforts, but nothing else.

In fact, after visits to such places, it is often seen that children change, and develop respect for others, do not shout at servants and even cut down on time spent with computers.

Something needs to be done immediately.  The trends in most urban homes is very disturbing.  An emphasis on basic human values will go a long way in helping children change their attitudes for the better.

Faith, belief, trust, humility, and confidence. These are the five keywords to success. We as a society today is experiencing lot of job opportunities and many new avenues has opened up. Today's youth has a lot of options. We all dream for a better life with successful careers and a good lifestyle, which is quite normal. After all, with personal growth comes overall growth of the society. But again, there is lot of competition in all spheres of life and there is a constant need of recognition among us. 

Life is not a joyride. There are trials and tribulations, failures in professional and personal life, misfortunes, and so on. We are often so perplexed and overwhelmed by these incidents that we lose our inner peace and joy. We fail to accept our shortcomings and mistakes. The first thing we need to understand is that inner peace is a choice and a state of mind. It comes easily if we just open our minds. The most important step to achieve inner peace is through self acceptance. Here are some of the guidelines:

• Self acceptance. Accept yourself for who you are and take pride in it. We all are human beings and nobody is perfect. We all have flaws and our shortcomings. Even the most successful and virtuous person in your eye has some shortcomings. Consider your strengths and highlight them instead of only thinking about your failure. Look at the mirror and accept yourself and love yourself.
• Be confident. Have faith in yourself and trust your instincts.
• Be patient. Nothing comes easy. One has to wait for the right moment and be patient enough. Success will come for sure.
• Let go of the past and embrace the present. We all do not know what will happen in the future and there is nothing we can do to change the past. What has been done is done. You can do nothing about it. So instead of reliving your past and dwelling in past fear and painful events, try to enjoy the current moment and make full use of it.
• Do not judge and criticize people. Let go of negative thoughts. Be nice to people around you. Do not expect anything in return just do your job.
• Stay in tune with your spirituality. Keep in touch with your inner self. Meditation also helps a lot in this process. We become much more aware of out surroundings and look at life in a different way. We become compassionate and more responsive towards our environment. We can just sit down whenever we feel like and calm our minds and meditate, and welcome positive thoughts to our mind. It helps to free ourselves from stress and worries. You can also consult a meditation guru or a spiritual guide. 
• Take responsibility for your own mistakes and take positive action. We all make mistakes and there is nothing wrong in it. Accept that and move on with your life.
• Develop a hobby. Start a new venture. Encourage your creative side.
• Go out and have fun. Visit places. Go to vacations.
• Be content. Take time for yourself and be content for whatever you have. Many people are more deprived than you are. We should thank God and our parents for whatever we have in our life.
• Be optimistic and happy. 

Life is full of twists and turns. You never know what new turn your life is going to take. So instead of worrying and criticizing and living in fear, embrace it. Enjoy life to its fullest. We all are here for a purpose so just go on with it. Love your friends and family and people around you. The more love you share the more love you get in return. Nothing in life is permanent.....neither joy nor sorrow. So why worry? Do not listen to people who criticize you or put you down; That is their shortcoming. Ignore them. Open up to positive people and welcome them to your life. Help people whenever you can. There is nothing like it and most important follow your heart. Make mistakes. Again rise up and shine. Enjoy your life!