A very disturbing trend that is increasingly seen among the urban nuclear families, particularly ones where both the husband and wife are employed, is to show a great deal of permissiveness towards children.  This is often done to make up for the lack of quality time, lack of communication, and lack of caring and sharing.

However, this could be counter-productive, in both the short term and the long term.  For the children always think that they can get away with whatever they do and also get whatever they want at any point in time.  If this happens before the age of five, a set pattern clearly emerges and it is impossible to undo the damage at a later stage.

What exactly is permissiveness in this context of parent-child relationship?

Permissiveness will simply mean a total non-interference of parents in whatever the children do, at any point in time.  "Freedom" for pride can be very counter productive.  Parents often take pride in telling anyone who would dare to task about the minimum of dysfunctional behavior of their children, about the "freedom" that they had given and continue to give, to their children.

This can be really destructive. Children develop zero compassion for the suffering of others. They do not appreciate that there is a bigger world where millions suffer for even the most basic of things.  In fact such children actually develop a total disdain for the poor and end up even teasing them.  Even if the parents come to know this, they do not bother.  Children often see parents behaving in a very harsh manner with their domestic servants.  They tend to copy the same behavior and think that such bad behavior is perfectly okay at any point in time.

Worse, since money is never a problem, a huge amount of money is happily spent on buying the children the best of computers, laptops, cell phones and what have you.  Playing computer games for well over three hours everyday is becoming very common.

Attention to studies is often not given the importance it deserves.  When the teachers point out that the children are not studying properly, either of the parents or both, find fault with the teachers, telling them that their children are perfectly okay.

The Root cause

Actually, the root cause of the problem of permissiveness, is with the obsession with both the father and mother to go very high in their careers. They become so much addicted to work, and they spend huge amounts of time, even working at home.  Children are left to themselves and, in the absence of grandparents, do not have any one to relate to, or even talk to.  Very often, children hatch on to very bad habits.  All the while, the parents think that they do "so much sacrifice" for the well being of children.  However, they fail to understand that there is a big psychological side to the whole process of bringing up children.

Teaching children good values is as important as getting them the best of comforts.  Respect for elders, the poor and the uneducated are as important as anything else, for a good life in future.

At least on some occasions, the grand parents should be made to come over and spend time with the children.  The children should be taken to orphanages, old age homes, homes for the deaf and dumb, homes for the blind and the like, to understand what life is.  Children of urban nuclear families will start to understand that there is another world, and their world is only a small world, a lucky world of comforts, but nothing else.

In fact, after visits to such places, it is often seen that children change, and develop respect for others, do not shout at servants and even cut down on time spent with computers.

Something needs to be done immediately.  The trends in most urban homes is very disturbing.  An emphasis on basic human values will go a long way in helping children change their attitudes for the better.