India is the land where you can crickeat, cricketalk and even cricketweet or in a nutshell you can crickenjoy. I hope I do not have to break down these words further and try to make their meanings more understandable or else it will become a matter of ridicule in cricket savvy India. Let us see how people are developing a cricketing lingua-franca of their own in the country:
1. Doctor(explaining to the deceased man's brother): Your brother died due to excessive consumption of alcohol in the SLOG OVERS of his life.
2. My friend(Tweeting his love story): When she proposed to me I found myself on a sticky WICKET . Where ever I went she tried to CATCH me. The day I was rowing in the GULLEY she followed me closely. At first I tried to HOOK away all her BOUNCERS but was CLEAN-BOWLED by her smile towards the end of the INNINGS.
3. Nidhi: Are you going to throw a party?
Rani: No, I am short of money, so I shall rather OVER_THROW it for the time being.
4. Ankur (to his friend in Mumbai): I shall arrive by 10 O'clock tomorrow, how is the weather over there?
Friend: It has been slightly DUCKWORTH-LEWIS sort of weather for the last two days.
5. I along with my son was at the confectionary shop when we saw a glutton gulp six big chocolates and four pastries in succession. My son commented,"This is perfect T20 BATTING."
6. Teacher:How was the question paper today? How was your performance?
Student:Sir, I started the INNINGS well but by the time I reached the middle OVERS, all my WICKETS had fallen.
7. Recently a tweet depicted a multiple choice question :
What do you do when ever you are losing something to someone?
a. Slap anybody who comes your way like HARBHAJAN SINGH.
b. Start chewing gum like RICKY PONTING.
c. Do frog jumping like JAVED MIANDAD.
8. The chief judge opined," Whether or not the bullet has touched William's shoulder has to be found out in the ACTION REPLAY of the SNICKOMETER."
9. He is a real punishing sort of teacher. In the last tuition class he stood up from his seat and was about to punish a sixth standard student when the back of his head accidentally struck an almirah and an ink bottle from the top fell on to his head. As the ink trickled down his forehead he overheard a murmur,"HIT WICKET".
10. Our boss is so obsessed with cricket that we sometimes find ourselves in the mid of a cricket match in our weekly business coordination meetings. A typical session has been reproduced along with the actual implications:
Boss: Have you all observed our SCORE BOOK? It shows a TIE?
(Have you all observed our balance sheet? It shows a no profit-no loss situation.)
We are not SCORING in any format of the game.
(We are not earning profit from any sector of our business.)
I can only tell you about the game plan but FIELDING performance....er....you know what I mean, is the actual thing. Top management has only a role of 3rd UMPIRE.
(I can only tell you about the business strategy but the field performance is the actual thing. Top management keeps vigil only.)
BATSMEN on debut must learn all sort of strokes.
(New recruits must learn the tricks of the trade).
Even though we are short on STRIKE RATE, I hope we shall be able to clinch a victory in a nail biting finish.
(Even though our current production figures are not up to the mark , I hope we shall somehow achieve the target before 31st March.)
An officer(trying to interrupt): Sir don't you think your language is a bit too much cricketing?
Boss: Don't raise any SILLY POINT.
A Brahmin lived in a small village. He was an illiterate man. He was an idler. He never did any work and spent his time in day-dreaming. He earned his living by begging in village.
On the day of a festival the Brahmin would get a variety of delicacies as alms.
It was the day of Uttarayana. Now on this day, people donate generously to atone for their sins. `Today I will receive a lot of money,’ said the Brahmin to himself, rather pleased with the thought of receiving a lot of donations, `by the evening, I will be rich!.
Thinking thus, the Brahmin took his bag and his stick and set out to beg for alms. On his way, he first came to a potter’s house. In the compound of the house, under a big shady tree, there were many pots of different sizes and shapes.
The Brahmin stood in the compound and cried, `on this auspicious day of Uttarayana, does a righteous deed by donation generously to this Brahmin.’
The potter said, `If you want, you make a pot for yourself.’
The Brahmin up a pot went further.
On the day Uttarayana almost all the households in the village gave the Brahmin delicacies made from Jaggery, groundnuts and sesame seeds. At noon, his pot was filled with a variety of delicacies including his favorite laddoos. The Brahmin was very happy. But he had roamed so much to beg for alms, that his legs started pining. He could hardly walk.
While returning home, he again came to the potter’s house. `I am so tried,’ said the Brahmin to him. `Let me go to the potter’s compound and rest under the tree for some time.’
The Brahmin lay himself down in the cool shade of the tree. There were many pots all round him.
As the Brahmin was resting, he thought, `Ah1 I have earned so much today. Early in the morning, this potter gave me a pot… as if to fill all the delicacies in it. Almost all the household gave me something to eat end I filled the pot with it all.
`How can I alone eat all the delicacies’ thought the Brahmin, still feeling very pleased. ` I will eat some to fill my stomach and sell the rest. With the money that I thus earn,, I will buy many pots and jugs… I will sell them and buy betel nuts… I will sell the betel nuts and buy cloth…. Soon I will be a millionaire… and build a big palace for myself… and get marriage proposals from parents of the most beautiful girls… like kings, I will marry four women… But then the four of them will quarrel among themselves… and come to me with their complaints…
The Brahmin continued the day dream. `Oh, why are these four women quarrelling with one another? Have they seen this stick of mine? I will take the stick and … whack… smack…. Whack… smack… I will beat them black and blue…’
The Brahmin, who was sitting under the tree and day dreaming, took the stick in his hands and started swinging it and banging it round him. The stick hit the pots. And … smash … smash… all the pots broke into pieces. Even the Brahmin’s pot was broken and all the delicacies were scattered in the dust. The laddoos rolled on the ground and were smeared with mud!
When the potter heard the noise of pots breaking, he was agitated. `Has an animal entered my compound?’ he wondered. He took a stick in his hands and rushed of the house. And what did he see? -The Brahmin was swinging the stick around and breaking the pots!
`You scoundrel!’ cried the furious potter. `How dare you to break my pots? Now see how I break your head!’ saying this, the potter beat the Brahmin mercilessly.
The Brahmin said, `Why are you so angry? You have lost only a few pots. Look at me. I have lost my thriving business, my big palace and my four wives.
The potter was confused. He drove the Brahmin out of his compound.
A man is watching a house. Why is he hit on the head?
And then is he locked up in a room?
Where am I?
I do not know. I am lying in a bed in an old house. There is a window. The sun is shining. I cannot see anything except some trees.
Who am I?
I cannot remember. I cannot remember anything. My head hurts a lot. I am very tired. I am going too sleep.
It is morning. The sun is shining. There is food and tea on the table. My head feels better and I am not so tired now.
A man in drank cloths comes in.
Man- who are you?
Me- I do not know.
Man- who are you working for?
Me- I do not know.
He shakes me roughly. I feel a bump on the back of my head… now I can remember something. Slowly my memory is coming back to me. I am in a filed. I have got binoculars. I am watching a house. A man comes up behind me. He has a gun. He raises the gun over my head.
-------------
I can hear voices outside the room.
Woman- is he going to talk?
Man: Maybe. He cannot remember anything.
Woman- we’ll wait till evening. Then we have to do away with him.
--------------
The key is in the lock but is on the other side. I take out my pen and gently push the key. It falls on the mat outside. Carefully, I pull the mat to my side of the door. I quietly open the door and leave the room. I enter a big hall. It is full of beautiful statues. They are from our temples.
I spot a telephone. I quickly pick it up and dial 100.
Police: police. What is the matter?
Me- (the number is on the telephone) I am speaking from 2802131. I am a prisoner here. I cannot get out. The house is full of stolen statues. Come quickly!
I can hear the sirens of the police cars. The woman opens the door.
Woman: what can I do for you, inspector?
Inspector: we are looking for stolen statues.
Woman: but there are no statues in this house.
Me: (from behind the woman) the statues are in the hall. Please come in.
Twelve minutes later the man and woman are in the police van.
Inspector: well, Mohan, you have done a good job.
Me: is Mohan my name? What do I do?
Inspector: you are a private detective.
Me: what! A detective! A detective should get bumps on his head.
Inspector: you are lucky! They did not kill you.
John Logie would have been a very satisfied man today, knowing that his creation- the Television, brought about a new revolution to our daily life and entertainment got a whole new meaning. Shows ranging from the chirpy types to the more obnoxious ones penetrated the daily dose of programmes. Gone are the days when epics such as the Mahabharata, Ramayana used to be savoured by the Indian audiences. Gone are the times when there used to be a pin drop silence and an atmosphere of fervour and devotion. Still, change is inevitable and so has the industry evolved according to the ever-changing viewers taste.
But the million dollar question remains as to who gave this idea of the so called, John would have felt sorry had he been here, Television Rating Points or trps as common in the media world. One must have seen a very peculiar hindi statement ( especially the ladies most of whom are shopaholics ) while out for shopping - " in this era era of fashion, please do not expect guarantee for anything ". I put forward a different version for this, considering what i have observed lately - " in this era of cut throat competition and rivalry, please do not expect the quality and standards " as the sole policy of the channels. Viewers expecting decent tv programmes have their attempts in vain, since the desired channels now show every damn thing except for the ones they are supposed to.
Its sad but even the so-called news channels have gone to the extreme, blowing apart every ray of hope for the poor viewer. From the few claiming to be "Sabse Tez" to the "Desh Badalna Hai To Channel Badlo" , only God knows when this torture will end. One can expect news for a tragedy or a mishap occurring at any remote corner of our country, even before it actually happened, just to be found by the respective channels that the timing might have gone all wrong. News channels, thought to be socially responsible and an eye opener for the public on several issues have gone bizarre , even dedicating few hours for the tantriks, black magic and what not.
A sincere thanks to channels such as Colors and Imagine tv who can only be castigated for the type of shows being shown. Way before all this, Ekta Kapoor through her daily k soaps used to play havoc for the major part of the population, since women power had the supreme control of the remote at those times and no one dared to interfere with them or else had to pay hefty price for their misdeeds.
Coming to Ms Rakhi Sawant who herself is obscure, how can she be given a right to decide for the morality of an individuals personal issues and life? Rakhiji deserves a mental asylum more than anything else but she solely cannot be blamed for displaying her true self since its the trps who have been given more weightage than anything. Second show creating a buzz among the society is Big boss, which has idiots from every corner one can find. The vulgar, immoral and hideous display of entertainment is a shame for us all to have gone so low in the name of entertainment. Rakhi Sawant and Dolly Bindra, the main centre of vulgarity, should rinse their mouth with antiseptic with the way they have behaved on national television, no wonder that this behaviour has been their true self.
My sympathies and condolensces for the audiences to have been exposed to such radioactive and lethal shows providing all the adult content one might need in case he or she is short of vocabulary. Shows will come and go but in this competitve business, its only upto us to either ostracize such shows or welcome any form of entertainment.
COMPARISON BUG
The history of comparison is as old as the human history. I am not sure of the facts when Adam existed alone but I have, sure, an imaginary clip in my mind as to what might have happened when Eve arrived. Consider for a moment ,
Adam: Oh! You seem to have come straight from the heavens, if I ‘m not mistaken.
Eve: How do you know?
Adam: Your eyes so beautiful, and such a grace in your steps. That says all. None but the Almighty alone can create that.
Eve: Thank you. Probably this world will be full of others like us. But I’m the first creation, He may not put all the same artistic details in others, you know?
Adam: So aptly said but…I beg you to take those words back… er… I mean….first …creation…
Eve: Yeah, ye I get that…I get that..,I mean creation of the other type, probably the one you call a female.
Adam: Though I belong to the other type but I think, you know,the matter about the artistic details, goes perfectly with me. Your first work is always the most beloved one. With my creation Gods must have shouted, “EUREKA.”
Eve: ………………………..
Adam: ………..
Eve: …………………….
Adam: …………..
Eve: …………………………………………………………………..
And so on.
So you can see for yourself how comparison bug might have started multiplying.
(Have you marked? Eve’s dotted lines are a bit longer than those of Adam’s? Alright, but please don’t start a comparison).
Comparison bug has, by now, infected all the species of animals living in this universe. Please don’t be surprised when I use the words ‘animals’ and ‘universe’. When a tiger chases a herd of deer, it must be comparing the ones faster off and the others comparatively slower, of course in the twinkling of an eye, so that it could catch one easily. And I also wanted to keep the possibilities open for NASA, since it is trying really hard to find signs of life on celestial bodies other than earth. Hence the word ‘universe’.
From our childhood to adolescence and there on to adulthood it is comparison all the way and to the day when wrinkles begin eclipsing the dimples it’s comparison only that ensures fun and enjoyment. It adds spice to any discussion, it makes a debate hot, it brings out the finer points about the characteristic properties of those compared and it enlivens otherwise pale, lifeless and numb events. In rare instances it is also accompanied with live action. When I was in 8th standard I was a diehard fan of Amitabh Bachchan. But there was a different school of thought that considered Rajesh Khanna a better actor. Bansi, my bossom friend belonged to that school. One day we somehow got entangled in the comparison of the superstars and after a one-hour hot discussion we were in the mid of an action scene which ended in my nose blowing blood and Bansi’s right eye’s corner having a dark scar. Probably on that day Amitabh Bachchan would have eaten Shahi Paneer and Pulao and Rajesh Khanna might have enjoyed his supper with chicken butter masala and rumali roti but they perhaps were little cognizant of the fact that their fans ,in a far off, small town, fought a deadly duo to establish the stars’ supremacy. We ended up our youth comparing film stars, cricketers, class mates, girls, ourselves, academic subjects, carriers, teachers, courses,events, Gods and probably every hell of a thing in this universe. If you ponder over comparison characteristic of Homosapiens, you will gradually come to realize that comparison is the source of sustenance. Think for a while. On a boring, monotonous, tiring, routine work day you are sitting in your office chamber and assume you do not find yourself in a frame of mind suitable to give a push to the targeted project work. Then a colleague enters and she comes up with a praise for you, “ Your shirt matches your complexion well. And nobody in the office looks as smart as you.” “Really I mean it.”,She says smiling. The moment she leaves your cabin, you get up and slip in front of the mirror and say to yourself, “Indeed ,I have maintained my physique well even to this age.” You shake off your gratefulness to Godrej and Loreal who have helped you so much with dodging your colleagues about your graying hair and beard. The words echo in your mind’s eye. “NO BODY IN THE OFFICE…….NOBODY IN THE OFFICE……NOBODY IN THE OFFICE …LOOKS AS SMART… .” You are infected. The comparison bug has started multiplying.
Now let’s see what might have happened had there been no comparison. The mobile tower behind my house is high. Everest is also high. I have cleared a test to enter a local private firm. He also passed the Joint Entrance Test for IITs. On Saturdays he has to conduct a quiz competition in his school. Amitabh Bachchan also conducted a similar program called 'KAUN BANEGA CROREPATI”. The girl next door is beautiful. Aishwarya, Kareena and Katrina are also beautiful....and so on. So I think it is self explanatory and does not need any more illustrations to establish the importance of comparison.
Khanna, my next door neighbour, told me the other day that he had nicknamed himself as MM and he challenged me to guess why. Obviously I couldn't. Then he revealed that whenever he and his wife returned from a party or a movie or any outdoor trip his wife would stand in front of him, shake her long silky hair, give a 2 cm smile, take Khanna's hands in her own, look straight into his eyes and ask, “Was the heroine in the play more beautiful than me?” or “Did Mrs. Saxena look better than me?” or “Was the girl's eyes who served the drinks, more alluring than mine since I saw you staring her?” So that was it. Poor Khanna had named himself as “MAGIC MIRROR”. Remember “SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS”? The wicked queen always asked the magic mirror who was the fairest? Now you know how Khanna had to play the enslaved spirit in the mirror!
Such Khannas are found in almost all places and are the infected byproducts(if you are not a Khanna and the word 'byproduct' does not displease you) produced as the deadly bite of the comparison bug. I only hope the analogy 'byproduct' does not need an explanation. The main product, of course, was Mrs. khanna.
So dear readers, at last I thought of saying that only simplicity could be used as an ointment against the bites of comparison bug and that a simple man alone would be making no comparisons but when I thought a bit more seriously, gradually I could make out that it was not that easy because it is always difficult to be simple. Moreover the questions of how simple or simpler and simplest will arise and we will find ourselves in the grip of the bug again.
But there are good effects too. If there are no comparisons there will be no competitive spirit, there will be no improvements, there will be no attractions and repulsions and so on.
To conclude I hope you will say 'twas a good article'. Mind you, I didn't say better or the best......Keep the bug away ….......Keep the bug away.
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