Care during old age

usha manohar wrote:

Legal options are there,  no doubt, but here the concern is about the falling values. Indians go on and on about being hospitable amd lecture on matr devobhava etc etc but in reality it is nothing but a hollow slogan. I feel that children should be taught the right values ..

Micro family system is responsible for lack of rite in children. At present most of peoples are not interested in join family system. In joint family system children learn how to care elder. 

anil wrote:

usha manohar wrote:

Legal options are there,  no doubt, but here the concern is about the falling values. Indians go on and on about being hospitable amd lecture on matr devobhava etc etc but in reality it is nothing but a hollow slogan. I feel that children should be taught the right values ..

Micro family system is responsible for lack of rite in children. At present most of peoples are not interested in join family system. In joint family system children learn how to care elder. 

True, nuclear families are detrimental to the society, atleast in our Country. But it is an individual choice.

Only practical education by way of taking students of schools and colleges to Old Age homes or creating some sort of debates, acts can improve the situation.

Whatever is within our capability, we should do for our parents.

usha manohar wrote:

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

usha manohar wrote:

Legal options are there,  no doubt, but here the concern is about the falling values. Indians go on and on about being hospitable amd lecture on matr devobhava etc etc but in reality it is nothing but a hollow slogan. I feel that children should be taught the right values ..

True...it is all about values and moral ethics. Like I said previously in my post, there are legal rules etc. but the onus and responsibility of the children should come from within themselves and not forcefully. Also, if we talk about ethics and following one's duties, is it only the fault of the children alone? Did the parents truly and honestly follow ethics and responsibilities themselves? Because after all, what children do is to emulate their parents. I am not saying that all parents are also at fault, but majority of the older people are not so pleasing and compliant. Just yesterday I was speaking to an old friend after many years. She lives in Bahrain and is here on vacation. When I asked her if her MIL lives with her, she said that they cannot keep parents with them as per laws of Bahrain, so they have admitted her to an old age home with intensive care facilities. She further said that even if they were allowed to, she will never ever keep her MIL in the her house. I was a bit taken aback. But then she told me of the harrowing experience she has had of her MIL. The old lady, a seemingly genial and warm on the outside is no less than a witch. When my friend's son was younger, the grandmother used to pinch him and hit him for even the slightest of things. She never behaved in a warm and loving manner towards the child. Many older people have treated their daughters in law in a very degrading manner and so they find it very hard to forget such things and accept their duties when they turn old and dependent.

I agree you reap as you sow unless of course the daughter in laws are smart enough to forget the past and make the mother in law realise her mistake through her own actions. I have seen that happen too...by the way there is no restriction whatsoever to take your parents to Baharain or any of tje UAE nations with a family visa. I have many relatives living in the gulf including Baharain with some of their parents living full time with them.

I was also thinking what kind of law is it that prohibits one from keeping their parents with them.

I feel that if everyone starts following the concept of as you sow so shall you reap, it ll only lead to more degradation in the moral value. Even if the in-laws had harassed the daughter-in-law in the early days but if they are repenting in their old age its better to forgive their past and take care in their old age. 

jabeen wrote:

usha manohar wrote:

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

usha manohar wrote:

Legal options are there,  no doubt, but here the concern is about the falling values. Indians go on and on about being hospitable amd lecture on matr devobhava etc etc but in reality it is nothing but a hollow slogan. I feel that children should be taught the right values ..

True...it is all about values and moral ethics. Like I said previously in my post, there are legal rules etc. but the onus and responsibility of the children should come from within themselves and not forcefully. Also, if we talk about ethics and following one's duties, is it only the fault of the children alone? Did the parents truly and honestly follow ethics and responsibilities themselves? Because after all, what children do is to emulate their parents. I am not saying that all parents are also at fault, but majority of the older people are not so pleasing and compliant. Just yesterday I was speaking to an old friend after many years. She lives in Bahrain and is here on vacation. When I asked her if her MIL lives with her, she said that they cannot keep parents with them as per laws of Bahrain, so they have admitted her to an old age home with intensive care facilities. She further said that even if they were allowed to, she will never ever keep her MIL in the her house. I was a bit taken aback. But then she told me of the harrowing experience she has had of her MIL. The old lady, a seemingly genial and warm on the outside is no less than a witch. When my friend's son was younger, the grandmother used to pinch him and hit him for even the slightest of things. She never behaved in a warm and loving manner towards the child. Many older people have treated their daughters in law in a very degrading manner and so they find it very hard to forget such things and accept their duties when they turn old and dependent.

I agree you reap as you sow unless of course the daughter in laws are smart enough to forget the past and make the mother in law realise her mistake through her own actions. I have seen that happen too...by the way there is no restriction whatsoever to take your parents to Baharain or any of tje UAE nations with a family visa. I have many relatives living in the gulf including Baharain with some of their parents living full time with them.

I was also thinking what kind of law is it that prohibits one from keeping their parents with them.

I feel that if everyone starts following the concept of as you sow so shall you reap, it ll only lead to more degradation in the moral value. Even if the in-laws had harassed the daughter-in-law in the early days but if they are repenting in their old age its better to forgive their past and take care in their old age. 

I agree , a little bit of give and take is very necessary in maintaining and nurturing relationships. When people are old,oast tjeir prine and helpless we need to look beyobd what happened in tne past ..

It is easy to point out mistakes of elderly and old, but we fail to look into our own big mistakes, which were easily pardoned by our parents in our childhood.

We do not realise the importance of forgiveness. Parents do not make mistakes, they happen due to situations. When anybody becomes a parent, they tend to be more responsible.

Just because the children who grow up are in some difficulties, it is not right to pick up a past matter, what use is it anyway? Anything comes back? Who are we to make them feel remorseful, when they have gone through every difficulty, only to see their children hale, healthy and feeling safe.

Also what is the point of making a person sad, depressed and miserly, at such an age?

Sometimes living with an elderly people can be very difficult, if they are still stuck up in past and are not ready to accept the changes around them. Then we need to maintain lots of patience while taking care of them. But I feel that if they are treated respectfully, even they will eventually accept the changes.

epraneeth77 wrote:

anil wrote:

usha manohar wrote:

Legal options are there,  no doubt, but here the concern is about the falling values. Indians go on and on about being hospitable amd lecture on matr devobhava etc etc but in reality it is nothing but a hollow slogan. I feel that children should be taught the right values ..

Micro family system is responsible for lack of rite in children. At present most of peoples are not interested in join family system. In joint family system children learn how to care elder. 

True, nuclear families are detrimental to the society, atleast in our Country. But it is an individual choice.

Only practical education by way of taking students of schools and colleges to Old Age homes or creating some sort of debates, acts can improve the situation.

Whatever is within our capability, we should do for our parents.

Yes it is matter of choice, most of person like to live separate from family. Living separate for job or for other reason is not problem, but treating as others, to family members is problem. 

I feel that rather than live together in a unhealthy atmosphere of mistrust and non co operation,  it is better to live seperately and remain on cordial terms unless it is an impossible situation where the elderly need to be taken care of because either they are alone or have some serious illness.

usha manohar wrote:

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

usha manohar wrote:

Legal options are there,  no doubt, but here the concern is about the falling values. Indians go on and on about being hospitable amd lecture on matr devobhava etc etc but in reality it is nothing but a hollow slogan. I feel that children should be taught the right values ..

True...it is all about values and moral ethics. Like I said previously in my post, there are legal rules etc. but the onus and responsibility of the children should come from within themselves and not forcefully. Also, if we talk about ethics and following one's duties, is it only the fault of the children alone? Did the parents truly and honestly follow ethics and responsibilities themselves? Because after all, what children do is to emulate their parents. I am not saying that all parents are also at fault, but majority of the older people are not so pleasing and compliant. Just yesterday I was speaking to an old friend after many years. She lives in Bahrain and is here on vacation. When I asked her if her MIL lives with her, she said that they cannot keep parents with them as per laws of Bahrain, so they have admitted her to an old age home with intensive care facilities. She further said that even if they were allowed to, she will never ever keep her MIL in the her house. I was a bit taken aback. But then she told me of the harrowing experience she has had of her MIL. The old lady, a seemingly genial and warm on the outside is no less than a witch. When my friend's son was younger, the grandmother used to pinch him and hit him for even the slightest of things. She never behaved in a warm and loving manner towards the child. Many older people have treated their daughters in law in a very degrading manner and so they find it very hard to forget such things and accept their duties when they turn old and dependent.

I agree you reap as you sow unless of course the daughter in laws are smart enough to forget the past and make the mother in law realise her mistake through her own actions. I have seen that happen too...by the way there is no restriction whatsoever to take your parents to Baharain or any of tje UAE nations with a family visa. I have many relatives living in the gulf including Baharain with some of their parents living full time with them.

I don't know as I have never been to any of the Arab countries. She probably might have made it up as an excuse not to take her MIL with her probably! As to their conduct, it actually depends on how forgiving the daughters-in-law and the other children are. There is a give and take in each relationship and so the parents should also treat their children accordingly and try to inculcate those same values in them. Nowadays I see so many young women, some of my friends too, putting their children into daycare centres after school even though they themselves are at home just because they do not want to be encumbered with looking after their kids. Kids as young as 2 and 3 year olds need their mothers more than any other thing in the world and are still entrusted to the care of uneducated ladies with questionable hygiene who work in most daycare centres. The way the kids cry when they are left their is gutwrenching sight to see. I often wonder how much affection and love these kids will ever have for their mothers when they grown up.

usha manohar wrote:

I feel that rather than live together in a unhealthy atmosphere of mistrust and non co operation,  it is better to live seperately and remain on cordial terms unless it is an impossible situation where the elderly need to be taken care of because either they are alone or have some serious illness.

It is right that it is better living seperately than living in unhealthy atmosphere. But it is our hand to make healthy atmosphere. No outsider come for it. We all remember it that one day we became old one.

usha manohar wrote:

I feel that rather than live together in a unhealthy atmosphere of mistrust and non co operation,  it is better to live seperately and remain on cordial terms unless it is an impossible situation where the elderly need to be taken care of because either they are alone or have some serious illness.

I agree with you. When children live with their parents inspite of having unhealthy relationship, it also affects the upbringing of he grandchildren. They might end up inculcating all the degrading moral values.

anil wrote:

usha manohar wrote:

I feel that rather than live together in a unhealthy atmosphere of mistrust and non co operation,  it is better to live seperately and remain on cordial terms unless it is an impossible situation where the elderly need to be taken care of because either they are alone or have some serious illness.

It is right that it is better living seperately than living in unhealthy atmosphere. But it is our hand to make healthy atmosphere. No outsider come for it. We all remember it that one day we became old one.

Very true, nobody from outside will come to make any positive changes. It is an internal issue and has to be resolved amicably within the group only.

epraneeth77 wrote:

anil wrote:

usha manohar wrote:

I feel that rather than live together in a unhealthy atmosphere of mistrust and non co operation,  it is better to live seperately and remain on cordial terms unless it is an impossible situation where the elderly need to be taken care of because either they are alone or have some serious illness.

It is right that it is better living seperately than living in unhealthy atmosphere. But it is our hand to make healthy atmosphere. No outsider come for it. We all remember it that one day we became old one.

Very true, nobody from outside will come to make any positive changes. It is an internal issue and has to be resolved amicably within the group only.

It is easy to resolve any issue with in group, family. Third party interference makes it more complicated. 

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

usha manohar wrote:

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

usha manohar wrote:

Legal options are there,  no doubt, but here the concern is about the falling values. Indians go on and on about being hospitable amd lecture on matr devobhava etc etc but in reality it is nothing but a hollow slogan. I feel that children should be taught the right values ..

True...it is all about values and moral ethics. Like I said previously in my post, there are legal rules etc. but the onus and responsibility of the children should come from within themselves and not forcefully. Also, if we talk about ethics and following one's duties, is it only the fault of the children alone? Did the parents truly and honestly follow ethics and responsibilities themselves? Because after all, what children do is to emulate their parents. I am not saying that all parents are also at fault, but majority of the older people are not so pleasing and compliant. Just yesterday I was speaking to an old friend after many years. She lives in Bahrain and is here on vacation. When I asked her if her MIL lives with her, she said that they cannot keep parents with them as per laws of Bahrain, so they have admitted her to an old age home with intensive care facilities. She further said that even if they were allowed to, she will never ever keep her MIL in the her house. I was a bit taken aback. But then she told me of the harrowing experience she has had of her MIL. The old lady, a seemingly genial and warm on the outside is no less than a witch. When my friend's son was younger, the grandmother used to pinch him and hit him for even the slightest of things. She never behaved in a warm and loving manner towards the child. Many older people have treated their daughters in law in a very degrading manner and so they find it very hard to forget such things and accept their duties when they turn old and dependent.

I agree you reap as you sow unless of course the daughter in laws are smart enough to forget the past and make the mother in law realise her mistake through her own actions. I have seen that happen too...by the way there is no restriction whatsoever to take your parents to Baharain or any of tje UAE nations with a family visa. I have many relatives living in the gulf including Baharain with some of their parents living full time with them.

I don't know as I have never been to any of the Arab countries. She probably might have made it up as an excuse not to take her MIL with her probably! As to their conduct, it actually depends on how forgiving the daughters-in-law and the other children are. There is a give and take in each relationship and so the parents should also treat their children accordingly and try to inculcate those same values in them. Nowadays I see so many young women, some of my friends too, putting their children into daycare centres after school even though they themselves are at home just because they do not want to be encumbered with looking after their kids. Kids as young as 2 and 3 year olds need their mothers more than any other thing in the world and are still entrusted to the care of uneducated ladies with questionable hygiene who work in most daycare centres. The way the kids cry when they are left their is gutwrenching sight to see. I often wonder how much affection and love these kids will ever have for their mothers when they grown up.

While i agree that young kids need attention and care, it is also a fact that an over stressed mother can easy lose her temper because a mother has to not only look after the child but also take care of other household duties. So, i feel it is better to send the little ones to a kindergarten for 3-4 hours when the mother can also have a little time for herself..children also learn to socialise and learn to be independent rather than.cling to the mother all tje time.

usha manohar wrote:

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

usha manohar wrote:

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

usha manohar wrote:

Legal options are there,  no doubt, but here the concern is about the falling values. Indians go on and on about being hospitable amd lecture on matr devobhava etc etc but in reality it is nothing but a hollow slogan. I feel that children should be taught the right values ..

True...it is all about values and moral ethics. Like I said previously in my post, there are legal rules etc. but the onus and responsibility of the children should come from within themselves and not forcefully. Also, if we talk about ethics and following one's duties, is it only the fault of the children alone? Did the parents truly and honestly follow ethics and responsibilities themselves? Because after all, what children do is to emulate their parents. I am not saying that all parents are also at fault, but majority of the older people are not so pleasing and compliant. Just yesterday I was speaking to an old friend after many years. She lives in Bahrain and is here on vacation. When I asked her if her MIL lives with her, she said that they cannot keep parents with them as per laws of Bahrain, so they have admitted her to an old age home with intensive care facilities. She further said that even if they were allowed to, she will never ever keep her MIL in the her house. I was a bit taken aback. But then she told me of the harrowing experience she has had of her MIL. The old lady, a seemingly genial and warm on the outside is no less than a witch. When my friend's son was younger, the grandmother used to pinch him and hit him for even the slightest of things. She never behaved in a warm and loving manner towards the child. Many older people have treated their daughters in law in a very degrading manner and so they find it very hard to forget such things and accept their duties when they turn old and dependent.

I agree you reap as you sow unless of course the daughter in laws are smart enough to forget the past and make the mother in law realise her mistake through her own actions. I have seen that happen too...by the way there is no restriction whatsoever to take your parents to Baharain or any of tje UAE nations with a family visa. I have many relatives living in the gulf including Baharain with some of their parents living full time with them.

I don't know as I have never been to any of the Arab countries. She probably might have made it up as an excuse not to take her MIL with her probably! As to their conduct, it actually depends on how forgiving the daughters-in-law and the other children are. There is a give and take in each relationship and so the parents should also treat their children accordingly and try to inculcate those same values in them. Nowadays I see so many young women, some of my friends too, putting their children into daycare centres after school even though they themselves are at home just because they do not want to be encumbered with looking after their kids. Kids as young as 2 and 3 year olds need their mothers more than any other thing in the world and are still entrusted to the care of uneducated ladies with questionable hygiene who work in most daycare centres. The way the kids cry when they are left their is gutwrenching sight to see. I often wonder how much affection and love these kids will ever have for their mothers when they grown up.

While i agree that young kids need attention and care, it is also a fact that an over stressed mother can easy lose her temper because a mother has to not only look after the child but also take care of other household duties. So, i feel it is better to send the little ones to a kindergarten for 3-4 hours when the mother can also have a little time for herself..children also learn to socialise and learn to be independent rather than.cling to the mother all tje time.

I agree about the stress part but that is applicable only when the mother is working at a job and also around the house. But the ones I am talking about come from affluent families, have a maid for doing everything around the house, have enough time to go and pamper themselves in beauty parlours, catch the latest movie etc. So I doubt about the stress part. Also, the kids indeed need to learn to deal with others and connect to others outside the family but that requirement comes only after they have learned to be secure and comfortable in their own environment which is within their own home and family. Kids who feel secure and content in their familial environment quickly learn to connect with others outside and form bonds with other children. While the kids who are very young and are taken out of their comfort zone even before they learn to talk do not get this security and ultimately, either turn aggressive to others or become extremely shy.

From my own experience as a mother of three, i have realised that each child is different inspite of having been given the same kind of care and brought up together in the same home atmosphere.  I guess genes do play a part. In many household one can see that while one child is very caring and loving towards the parents, another may not..you wonder how  personalities could differ so very much.

usha manohar wrote:

From my own experience as a mother of three, i have realised that each child is different inspite of having been given the same kind of care and brought up together in the same home atmosphere.  I guess genes do play a part. In many household one can see that while one child is very caring and loving towards the parents, another may not..you wonder how  personalities could differ so very much.

I am agree you, it is almost impossible that all children are alike. Parents gives equal treatment but by birth children are differ. I have twin daughter but they are not alike. Their hobbies, Interest and attitude is differ.

Unity in diversity, this is the approach to be followed and synergised in a family.

All people are different, basis of genes, activities, physic, influences around in the early age and what they capture from their mind.

epraneeth77 wrote:

Unity in diversity, this is the approach to be followed and synergised in a family.

All people are different, basis of genes, activities, physic, influences around in the early age and what they capture from their mind.

Yes earlier it was a truth of India family, Unity in diversity. But Indian family don't believe in it. Parents home is their home till they start earning, after it they don't like to live with parents and other family members. All have their own selfishness. 

anil wrote:

epraneeth77 wrote:

Unity in diversity, this is the approach to be followed and synergised in a family.

All people are different, basis of genes, activities, physic, influences around in the early age and what they capture from their mind.

Yes earlier it was a truth of India family, Unity in diversity. But Indian family don't believe in it. Parents home is their home till they start earning, after it they don't like to live with parents and other family members. All have their own selfishness. 

It is very unfortunate to have such a situation in our Country. 

Hope it changes. Change in culture, fashion sense, lifestyle are the causes of it.