Expectations from others

One of the basic human need is to be wanted by others and this happens from the time we are born, we expect certain things to be done for us and we also do things for others and this goes on all through our life cycle. It begins when the child is helpless and it needs the constant care of the parents and later these expectations take on different forms as we mature as individuals.

And as human beings it is but natural that people have some expectations from others close to them. But where does one draw the line? And more importantly how far can one go ? To be frank, almost all kinds of expectations are a common source of stress in our lives. Many a times they are unrealistic and often we are not even sure what our expectations are and why do we have them? But we are constantly expecting people do this or that or act in a manner that seems right for us without actually analysing it!

Many of us have certain expectations from our close family members and friends regarding different matters either wanting them to help us or be there to lend a shoulder when we face difficulties in life. While it is alright to have some expectation from others, we also need to remember that others too expect the same from us and this is a way of life where there is mutual give and take. As long as it is mutual, it is fine but being demanding without taking other details into consideration is bound to back fire on us and at some time or the other can have a negative impact on our inter personal relationships.

We have to remember that our entire life is made up of actions and reactions between people and their inter personal relationships. One has to be careful while dealing with other people however close one may be to them. People can react in a totally unexpected manner and it is hard to find an explanation for such behavior except look within oneself. We may not take into consideration factors like other people’s personal problems or time constraints while asking for a favor or while making demands on their time which can be annoying to others especially if they are unable to fulfill your wishes. . A very important factor to bear in mind - whether the expectations we have of other people are justified? Are they in a position to fulfill it ? Having too many expectations is the bane of all relationships and particularly so in a marriage…

The modern day life is full of pressures and stress and this stress has a negative impact on a person’s relationships. When we compare the modern day living to that of good old days, we see many couple who have been together for 20 or 30 years have led a relatively simpler life with very limited stress other than the every day cares and worries, mostly related to children and family. They also had loads of patience and time to help their family members, relatives and friends when there was need. But that is not the case now.

Give and Take

Give and take is a part and parcel of our life and no matter how much we try, it is impossible not to have any expectations from those close to us . Being philosophical about it helps to a certain extent . Comparing people and expecting the same from others is wrong because we are all different individuals with different mental make up and personalities and have different way of doing things. Sometimes those work out and sometimes they don’t and this is something that we have to accept in life . You need to focus on people’s good qualities - how much we enjoy being with them rather than focusing on their negative qualities and wishing they were different. Having too many expectation can easily ruin a relationship.

Something that works well for others may not necessarily work for you. I have noticed that most people fail to see others view point unless it is personal and concerns someone close to them! We see some brilliant relationships go sour between Parents and Children for the flimsiest of reasons. This, after all the world hailing the Parent - Child relationship as the strongest there is. Could it be, because of over expectations from one side or probably from both sides ? No doubt that different circumstances and interactions play different roles in either strengthening or breaking down the relationships. In human society there are always changes and undercurrents, all of which affect a person and his inter personal relationships.

Too many expectations

The more that we expect from others, the more we are opening ourselves to being disappointed. The truth of life is that we just seem to automatically have expectations from nearly everyone we meet because expectations are simply built into our nature and we don't even realize this until they let us down. Then we are shocked, dismayed, angered or saddened by what we feel is their blatant disregard . How does one deal with such a situation?

Probably the best way to deal with people is by being non judgmental of their behavior. A lot of our anger often comes from having too many expectations we have placed on others or it may be that those are expectations that we have of ourselves - and when we have failed to live up to it, we give vent to our frustrations by blaming others for our failure. The more honest we are with ourselves about our flaws and short comings, the more we can learn to live healthier, happier and more open lives. As everywhere in life even in this context, an honest introspection solves many heartaches and possible misunderstandings with people close to us.

No Expectations or Low Expectations?

Could the answer to our happiness be found in no expectations? This is something that I have often thought of! But practically speaking such a thing is impossible.

Many analysts are of the opinion that it is not possible to have NO expectations but it is possible to have Low expectations which can solve quite a few problems with regard to relationships between people. Having low expectations would mean that you are seldom disappointed. In a way it also speaks of a person’s self-worth. When expectations are low, the gratitude felt for any favor is real and since there was hardly any expectation, there is no disappointment and when we receive even the smallest of favors we feel happy and grateful.

Positive and hopeful expectations can lead to positive emotions as well. The more we know about ourselves, about our expectations the better we are able to handle our relationships. We have endless expectations from others and ourselves and when we are able to analyse them and concentrate on those that are important, our stress level too comes down. When we actually go deep down into what we feel are rightful expectations from others, at some stage we might even feel that it simply din’t matter because to start with our expectations were far too high!

I am reminded of some verses from Bhagavadgita where Krishna dwells on the subject of people’s expectations and desires – “Without being aware of it, when we live in our nostalgias, reminiscences, and memories, and react from that past, with expectations and hopes for a future; all of this is an idea, all of this is something that occurs only and solely in our mind. None of this is related to reality. None of this!”

At one point he also says that people’s expectations are unrealistic and those who are successful are the ones who have actually satisfied the expectations of the society they live in. And a wise person will be able to find balance between the two – his expectations and the expectations of the society and work towards achieving that. In fact the best policy to adopt would be to the allocated work without expectations, motives, or thinking about its consequences since once it is done you have no control over it, so there is no point in fretting or worrying over it.

No doubt it is easier said that done, but with experience and maturity people learn that there are other things on life that are far more important than constantly setting goal, having expectations and working towards it.

Dangers of having unrealistic expectations

Very often our expectations of our various experiences color not just how we experience waiting for them but the actual experiences itself, leaving us disappointed.

This is more so when we have high expectation and when it gets fulfilled we realise that it was a poor experience that leaves us highly disappointed. For example:- when a couple plan to get their daughter married they plan and have high expectations, but when the actual event takes place and if there is any shortfall, it is bound to make them feel disappointed for life.

Instead aim for low expectation and a better experience which seems a far more satisfying state of things. Here we don’t go after the impossible, but are realistic about what can be expected and what is within our capacity and in such cases normally things do turn out to our advantage, and even if it doesn’t you will not be too disappointed nor frustrated since your expectations were low to start with !

Finally to conclude - The best way to deal with expectations is to sit quietly by your self and go through various experiences you have had in the past and make a list of all the irritants and unpleasant situations that have come your way and the number of times you have had disappointments and a sense of joy when your expectations were fulfilled. If the negative feelings far out number the positive feeling, then you need to seriously think about changing your strategy and whole mindset because such constant disappointments and frustrations have a way of taking over your entire life and making you an unhappy, dissatisfied , negative person. You also need to look into yourself and do some deep anlysis to get to the rot of the matter before you think of making any necessary changes !