September 12th 2011

How do I start? Do I Introduce myself? No, I don’t think people do that while they are writing diaries, they simply write what they want to, not really bothering about formalities. But supposing tomorrow after I am gone, when this is found, how will anyone know who it belonged to? , so I better introduce myself so that everything is methodical and in order. Let me write down a few details about myself !

I am Shalini Rao, a middle aged lady, bored and fed up of life because...not now, I will come to that later! I am 59 years old and feel as though I am 112 years old and frankly ready to call it a day. I have lived all my life in this house and spent most of my days within the confines of this room where I am now sitting on my bed and writing this - whatever one may call it , a blog, a diary or a narrative or a suicide note! I got the idea of writing down my memoirs (sounds grand doesn’t it) from a C grade hindi serial, no not Ekta Kapoor’s ( her serials get the highest trps ) but someone similar with similar ambitions of making it big, though frankly I had my own doubts about that and when the serial was taken off after the first 6 episodes I was justified in my thinking.....However, let me not stray from the main idea of why I am planning to write  this memoir, diary, narrative or whatever !!!

The reason why I hit upon the idea was to tell my family, being my parents, elder sister and my two sons, why I took this drastic step and decision of ending my life. At this juncture I hope no one would think of calling the police and the ambulance - That is if someone reads this or snoops around which often happens in my house when I have my in laws around! 

September 17th

Where was I ? So, let me start from the very beginning.

I come from a middle- middle class family and the sole ambition of my parents was to get me married to a steady ‘boy’ belonging to the same community, gotra and sub class as ours and they found one for sure in my dear husband, who later showed all his true colors in a way I couldn’t even have imagined ( no more straying from the narrative, I promise). I saw or rather I was shown, to my would be husband Sreenidhi Rao at a wedding reception and felt that he was ok looking (I genuinely consider myself much better looking than him).

Right from the beginning or should I say right from the early days I realised that he was a very shrewd person who never missed a single opportunity that came his way, whether it was in the form of good money, career option or a pretty face, of course a female one! That way he was straight, no complaints about that! Anyway, things worked out for me and for my parents and I was congratulated by all the members of my family close and distant, for having caught the eye of one of the most eligible bachelors in our community and I was blessed indeed to have been approved by him.

September 19th

To continue with my narrative

I was married and thereafter settled down into domestic bliss, for a while that is! Then came the children and along with that came problems too – hoards of them in all forms. Those were very trying times since my husband never believed in helping me out nor did he ever care about my own position and the innumerable problems that I had to face with regard to the children, his own family consisting of his parents who treated me more like a glorified ayah, whenever they decided to spend some time with their dear son and his family and his siblings who were least bothered about me anyway ..

September 21st

To come back to my own married life, As far as he was concerned, he had married me, hadn’t he ? also contributed in bringing those two children into this world, so now all that was required of me was to take the money that he gave me every month ( for household expenses and services rendered) and leave him alone, while I minded the house, children and of course myself. One thing to be told about him, he was generous where money was concerned and as for me ,having been brought up frugally and on middle class values, managing the household well with roughly 60% of what he gave was easy enough while I was able to save the rest of the money.

Thank god, I was not extravagant nor a spendthrift and had the sense to do that which, when I look back has been a blessing in disguise. Today, I can at least not worry about that part of my life! Something positive coming out of a hopeless situation ! Never thought of it that way!

September 23rd

Years passed, the children grew up and I and my husband steadily grew apart both physically and mentally and emotionally, so much so that we hardly had anything to say to each other while we were together. It was good that he had a job that took him away from home for at least a fortnight each month since he was a marketing manager.

This was the only silver lining in my otherwise torturous life which was becoming unbearable as months and years passed. I and my two children had a blast when their papa was away, we could be ourselves and do what we wanted, and not pretend to be some alien creature, a robot that moved around as approved and commanded by the lord and the master of the house. The children too were feeling the strain of these very stressful interactions with their father. However, thank the lord for those small mercies which would take him away from home sometimes for two weeks at a stretch.

September 25th

Now my children too are gone and the frigid atmosphere that was part of our household has shaped their personalities in such a way that they have grown distant from both of us. Mr Sreenidhi Rao , their papa of course doesn’t care since he has no time to waste on such trivialities, his mind, attention and eyes being engaged elsewhere in the form of Miss Eva, a bank officer ( this I have come to know day before yesterday from one of those ever helpful neighbors who get to hear and see everything ) and, I had thought that he had gone on one of his work related tours....

I better not say anything more since I don’t want to feel smaller than I already feel. This is because of what my older very critical sister and my very partial and one sided parents told me - About not being able of hold on to my man, so what else can be accepted, he is bound to look elsewhere etc etc; and that comment of theirs really hurt ! The hurt feeling has nothing to do with my overflowing love for my husband by the way, more about my own low self esteem.

September 28th

All in all, I have decided to end my life today itself instead of planning about it vaguely like I did in the beginning, since I don’t see anything much happening in my life. In fact, when I look into the near future, I can see my sons leading their own lives and growing even more distant , and Sreen ( apparently that is what he is now called by Miss Eva ) painting the town and local pubs red and orange with Eva hanging on to him and my close and dear relatives sniggering and gossiping behind my back , and I am sure making much of Sreen while he is around, talk about double standards !

Do I have any better choice, other than ending it all and pouring cold water on all those sniggers and gossips ! I am planning to take 45 sleeping tablets that I have painstakingly collected since the past few months, and  after the final phone call to my two sons and my dear husband too, I want to give him a piece of mind before I quit ...

3rd October

P.S : How life changes for the btter of course !

I have of course cancelled all my plans of suicide and now decided to fight back with hammer and tongs , this after my son hammered some good sense into me and advised me to hold on and teach Sreen (I like this name a lot better) a lesson. I have the finances ( thank god for the money that I have saved) and have some talent for writing so why not try my hand at writing ,painting and may be even go for some much needed cosmetology to help me restore my self esteem and fading looks.

Before I forget, I saw Sreen and Eva yesterday at the film theater where I had gone to see Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara with one of my many true friends (who incidentally has contributed in many ways in my downward journey and present status by not being there when I needed her). I looked back at them and waved gaily at  both and had the satisfaction of seeing them nearly fall off their seats after which they did the quick disappearing act. This act of mine also silenced my true friend. I am waiting for Sreen to come home, which by the way is registered in my name and he can do precious little to dislodge me from here...life looks much more interesting and challenging right now !

Shopping style

Shopping is wonderful experience for me. I always find a new experience every time I go for shopping with my wife that makes me so much wiser and knowledgeable about different brands and new stores in town. She is a big researcher my wife, who is an expert on searching new multi brand stores selling ladies’ specials or different ‘discount sales’ taking place any where in city. I feel scared when I see newspaper in her hands and she looking at advertisements, which is red alert for me. Actually, I am too afraid of her shopping style when he enters a store and wants to buy first thing she looks at irrespective of that may suit her physical structure or size of my pocket. That is none of her business whether the item she wants to purchase worth its cost or not, I am only allowed to make suggestions not beyond that.

My wife- ‘Oh what a beautiful top let me try it’

Me-  ‘Look at its color, looks a bit gaudy, I mean, your age….I mean….

My wife- ‘what do you mean by my age! Just how old are you, take 6 years out of your own age, that’s how old I am’

Me-  ‘But, I am only 1 and half years older than you’

My Wife- ‘That’s none of your business; I know my age, just tell me how would I look’

Me-  - ‘Looks too costly and I think this must not fit you right, I mean you are too big for this one. A little too tight for you.

My wife – ‘I knew you would find an excuse to stop me from buying this one’ a dirty look and forward march.

Next stop, the gown section- ‘Should I try this one! I think this pair of suit is designed for me exclusively’ now I am more worried , I don’t care about how would she look like after wearing that particular suit but the price-tag with 2999/ made me almost fainted. ‘Oh come on, can’t you see the price tag on this one?’ ‘I know, I have seen it, this is only 3000/ nothing much for this lovely set of Salwar-Kameez, it’s less than the amount you goanna get from Boddunan’ ‘Good Gosh’ so, she is out to finish my online earnings in this lavish manner for that silly looking suit, no way. 

However, I came back loaded with bags and empty pockets to keep punching the keys of my lappy for further torture in coming weeks. This is known as the best time for hubby-harassment during the festive season while people selling their leftovers for double the normal rates in the name of discounted sales. I am more worried as she tried to pull my attention towards the imitation diamond sale in a nearby hotel with an argument that gold is no more suitable for daily use as the snatchers are on the hunting trail. Makes sense but that would be like snatching my peace of mind.

This is common story

Most husbands find it obligatory to accompany their wives on their request (order) for shopping where the wives enjoy their venture and hubbies find it hard to swallow because the experience of shopping for women’s item is like a nightmare for most husbands. Most women love window-shopping before going for the real kill, the shopping. Women find shopping experience much better according to duration, longer hours make them more satisfied while inside a shopping center, longer the better. This is not important what they purchase for them more important is what they see in the shopping complex. I have seen women coming out empty handed after checking out hundreds of items and spending hours in trial-rooms. After all, what do a few hours matter for the sake of fashion and style that is part of the game? 

Do not dare refuse them

I have yet to meet an intelligent husband who has the guts to refuse his wife for a shopping spree. I should be surprised if I found one in near future. I think God has given up manufacturing such defective pieces who would dare refuse their wives for a shopping tour. Most husbands keep their expressions on a smiling mode throughout the shopping period despite of a sudden desire to hit their head against the nearest wall. And look at the height of the situation when a wife comes across a friend and tells her about the wonderful experience she had while shopping with hubby, every time. “Oh what an experience shopping with your jeeju. He is such a sport, he knows my choice’  I wish she does not know the feelings going around her hubby’s mind at that particular time or even if she knows who the hack cares for him or his feelings. Most people think that women are better at purchasing but that is limited to vegetables and grocery that is not applicable while shopping for own use.  

Changing trends

There is a little bit of change in trend recently, women have become more shopping conscious with expended list of shopping items. You can see women looking at the items in a store as if they have a plan to buy any thing or every thing on display. They visit almost every counter and look every item that catches their eye with every possible angle to leave the counter leaving a tsunami like scene behind. I appreciate the patience of salespersons on ladies’ counters. I may feel depressed, dejected and disappointed in the end of such a session but they never feel or at least show their feelings of disappointment.  

Secret of fitness

I calculated the average time spent on shopping by women and found it to be most valuable for health reasons. You know women go for shopping at least 132 times every year and they use 5 calories per minute so longer the better even if we calculate the time at a moderate rate the women spend almost 48,000 calories while shopping only. That is amazing figure although, that may cause you an increased heartbeat if you would calculate the cost of that calorie reduction. But what little increased heart beat mean for a good cause of a shapely wife. And then there is another additional advantage for those particular men while women do most shopping for them also. That saves them lot of time for other important work.Shopping pattern for women 

Most women look at the size first, and then the design and price in the last, they find it exciting experience once in a shopping mall. They want to change the shops every visit therefore a thorough research of every piece they look at and listen to salesperson carefully as if he is the one who has to decide for every item they would purchase. Women find shopping the greatest stress buster, like Columbus out to discover America or out for treasure hunting. Only an electronics store can keep them away where they have very little to say otherwise the world is theirs shops are for them. 

Men are different

Shopping is almost a torturous experience for most men and more so while the women are around. Most men repeat the shops and shopping pattern. They shop for long time by buying a couple of extra pieces to save them from frequents visits. They never allow salesmen to interfere rather go by their own choice. They find it stress maker, time, and money wasting experience but enjoy while it comes to shopping for gadgets. The guys avoid shopping as much as possible. The end result women know how to shop smartly whereas men are total failure in this art.

Benefit of power cut

People always found power cuts irritating and annoying without giving this matter a proper consideration with a positive point of view. You see if we are missing a little bit of power due to multiple cuts every day, look at the other side we are gaining so much at the same time. Let us have a look at the benefits-

No toxins while you perspire

Perspiration is the best way to a healthy body because it takes out most toxins and extra salts from our system. Now we so used to live in air-conditioned atmosphere that we did not perspire properly. With so many power cuts on such a regular interval give you many opportunities to perspire you enough and take all your toxins out the natural way. Your skin gets natural nutrition and body temperature maintained. What else do we need from the government without paying any thing for being so considerate? 

No cartoons

Remember the days while there were no power cuts. There are tons of TV programs the whole day but you never see the programs of your choice? The cartoon net works are so popular among the children that this is simply impossible to stop them from watching them. Now be thankful to Power Corporation of your area for imposing so many power cuts that children are finding out door games more interesting. This is double bonanza for you a healthy child and no cartons. Some children even have developed interest in the stories, which the grandparents always wanted to tell them Family members are getting more time sitting together in the air of single inverter run fan. What a relief!

In the lap of Mother Nature

The life styles have changed up to great extent now the cut schedule of five to seven has done the trick for people like me who would not imagine a morning walk in the daily routine have started to get up at 4.30AM to reach to the park and sit in the park taking the best advantage of morning breeze. What a pleasure watching Mr. Sharma, Mr.Verma, Ms.Sandhya, and Ms.Rani going for Yoga asana is a unique view in itself. In addition, the group doing laughter therapy was some thing out of the world altogether. This is wonderful to imagine a group of twenty plus people laughing at the top of their throat volume, simply heavenly! Wow a wonderful sound in the peaceful morning time, thanks to power cuts and thanks to our national planners. They had every thing in their minds well in advance.

Development of business and employment

The inverters and generators added in the basic needs of a household thus providing a big boost to the captive power industry. A generator or inverter was a rare commodity merely a decade back but a person without an inverter would be considered a member of BPL class therefore an inverter is as good a household item as a gas stove. Moreover, the battery industry has grown more than any other industry as the battery is good for one to 3 years at the most. Therefore, you can see that this industry has given a big boost to employment at local level. Generators are not as popular due to some technical problems but we are moving to that sector fast enough. Thank you Power Corporation, keep cutting and contribute to our progress intact.  

Profit and loss at this particular point

While the power corporations are making the job of police easy by multiple power cuts as the people walk on the roads due to non-availability of power therefore help keeping the burglars away but when the power is available some times and people go to much needed sleep the thieves also take the full advantage. However, the score is almost equal at this point so not much to complaint. Power corporations are not fully responsible, as they have to distribute whatever they manage to generate. The Power Corporations may consider a popular demand from either side in future perhaps.

You are more social now

I am glad to see ladies of the society back to business now. They were so damned busy watching those Saas-Bahu serials and were busy trying to find newer ways to tease either to their mothers in law or daughters in law. Now they sit peacefully either on the terrace having a hand fan in hand making those lovely chit-chats, which were missing so dearly ever since. What a heavenly scenario! Thanks to Power Corporation for bringing, back the peace of the society, thank you so much.

Your Boss is happy

You are spending so much extra time ever in your office now. You were the one who never stayed back in the office beyond five PM and now you do not get up before eight and even nine if nothing else to do. I know this is not your love for the work or pending work but the captive power that keeps office AC going. I also know that you do some of the work also while in office but the main attraction is the love of power that keeps you there. Now boss is happy, you are happy and your co-workers who had to contribute to your work are happy. Thanks to Power Corporation for making every one happy.

Your relations are better

Now there is enough time for a quick walk after the dinner, whereas you were not on talking terms with your wife. She was ever so busy watching her serials when you wanted to watch your news channels and cricket matches. Now the power has sorted out every dispute forever, no power no disputes. Now the most suitable option is have an early dinner and walk across the road to the community park. Oh, what a fun remembering the old ways of life while we used to sit under the stars having hands of each other and talking little tit-bits. Oh, the olden days are here again. Thanks to Power Corporation

Savings- Savings

The government planners were at work all the time. They knew it all along that the people of this country are no good at saving money despite the best of their efforts through different schemes introduced. Therefore, they planned it in a real big way. They though out a well planned scheme for you. Since there is no power, no extra consumption and no bills to pay, besides the direct saving on electric bills look at the indirect savings. Your appliances are at lesser risk of burning out, your wiring is safe and you shall pay lesser to doctors because you are more fit than ever. I must add in the end that the non-believers are turning into believers now as I can see some of them speaking loud “O God, gone again”

Thanks to Power Corporation.

Recently I undertook an activity of collecting smiles - I asked my friends & colleagues to share their smiles with me. Anything that made them smile - ranging from as small as a kiss on forehead from a beloved one to as big as getting married. As I collected various smiles, the conclusion was ever astonishing & ever smiling.

Smiling has various perspective. Some enjoy little things as rains, friends & party, while others enjoy big life events as marriage, becoming a father, watching first steps of child. But as I collected all these smiles, I realised that smile has no reasons, no boundations. It is free from the clutches of caste, creed, geographies, money, wealth & success. People can find happiness in anything they wish to. Happiness is within, and no external factor can control it :-)

I started out on a journey of collecting smiles of others. But on the way, I realised that I am collecting my own smiles. Be it childhood memories, or the affairs, first income, success, marriage, rains, festivals, friends, hobbies, etc - everything has some smiles hidden in it - it is upto us to extract & understand their meaning. If one wishes to be happy, he can find reasons to smile anywhere - from morning to night, from office to home, work to leisure, mind to heart, friends to relatives, downs to success, anything.

Life is a journey. And everyone seeks happiness. Cooing of a cuckoo, to barking of a dog - everything has some smiles hidden in it. Every setback teaches us something, like every success teaches us a way. Every sorrow has some hidden reasons, like every smile has some causes. But if your heart wishes to smile, it will find reasons. Smile needs no reason.

Smile is contagious. It sets the surroundings happy. For a smiling face, all you need is a happy soul. A happy & content soul has the power to smile & laugh at life's funniest twist & turns - be it emotional, professional, social or generic. If one looks around & start counting his/her smiles, he is sure to end up concluding that there are no reasons to smile. It just happens - You need not find reasons to smile, all it takes is just a happy soul :-) So the next time you feel depressed or lonely, try finding out the reasons to smile - and you may end up smiling without a reason - because you have found out "How to Smile" :-)

Happy Smiling :-)