I like keeping journals.Every incident penned down reminds me of the exact experience I had.When I go through the pages and start reading my scribbled words, the exact scene flashes in front of my eyes of what now is a memory. It's wonderful how you can relive moments and experience them all again l. Please read this only if you have time...After all, it's a journal of a mother....well...almost!
I was going through my diary today and I came upon the last of my journals...after which I had stopped writing. This is my first article of 2013 and I've not been writing for quite sometime. However, this journal brought back fresh memories as I read each word of it, I could actually recall every bit of emotion I felt in those days.
May 4th 2012: Something was not right today. I felt tired than usual, well the heat is definitely kicking off...so no mystery there..But something is not right...I'm sort of sore... I checked on the Internet to get some answers and one of them was...could it be..would it be? Well...I rushed to the medical store and just purchased it to check...It couldn't be...its just the heat...but could it? I came home quickly and check...Oh my God..it's true...I'm pregnant...Dear God thank you.
May 12th 2012: We went for our first scan today after the doctor suggested one. The report is out...5weeks pregnant. I remember jumping during the scan and looking at the heartbeat...Wow is all I could think of....its inside of me..what would it be..a boy or a girl? Being a Biology student I knew it was a stupid thing to think that knowing that there are so many phases ahead and the journey to come...well we all know how its going to be...but still the excitement. My husband was called in and he kept looking at the screen...amazed...happy...content and thankful.
July 5th 2012: Yup...just as I recalled all the lessons I had studied back in school...I am feeling nausea and have been extremely pukish. Its's normal to feel that way in the first trimester. Well today I threw up almost 6 times.This is not normal...I called the doctor and she has asked me to go to a hospital since I had been severely dehydrated. She had checked and was not surprised...as for me...I know its supposed to be a blissful journey to motherhood.However,I am not feeling thrilled ...guess it's normal. BTW..am 13 weeks pregnant and my Triple Markers test is done and its all good...thank God.
July 21st 2012: Its another scan set just before the next trimester....We went hoping things would be fine and now may be we would come to know about answer to our boy or girl mystery...but this is India...no one will reveal that to us.I asked the doctor...the radiologist is not happy though.I told him..'Ok don't tell...don't want to get you guys in trouble.' He gave me a silent stare and asked me to go for a second opinion with my husband...Ah well... Another scan and some gibberish terms are used and the same surprised look. Ok...now things are getting weird..am I having twins.. What is it...And he finally spoke..." Your baby has a problem...There is water all around its body and neck..a tumor...It's called cystic hygroma!" The world stopped spinning for a long long minute for me...Oh dear God...No !
There is nothing that can go wrong..I felt my baby kicking inside me...She was alive...but even in my prayers I remember I was so frustrated with everything that I came to a point where I said..."Lord! I've prayed all that I could and now I know it is your choice.You can make it ok or take it away, if the baby has to suffer, you can take it away..so make it or take it.Amen" That was the most difficult prayer in my entire lifetime, but I did it..silently waiting...waiting...just as the clock ticked by...just as the hour hands changed,just as the sun rose and set...hoping and waiting...And I remembered the verse Exodus 14:13 "...Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord!"
September 22nd 2012: Another scan today. I'm 21 weeks pregnant.I have been supported by family and friends through words and by prayers...What did the scan say. Miraculously, the tumor has shrunk...How ? How? Even the doctors did not know and all I can say is....thank God...just thank you God.Things look bright finally...after all that's going on...after so many weeks of prayer...maybe everything is fine.
And then...
October 9th 2012: My husband was out of town for the day... so I was at my mother's .Willing to the extra mile to keep my self fit,I decided to go out for a walk on the calm street. And just as I was walking....WHAM!
I got hit by a Scorpio which was driven by an learning driver...hit from the back...and I fell....fell on my knees ..and I couldn't think.After 5 minutes I heard myself shouting, screaming listening to the driver begging me not to sue...I heard my mother screaming...I checked myself and saw...ok ...no blood..so we're ok...We went for an immediate scan...the doctors were quick, friends and family who were near came to check on me. Finally it was declared..no fractures and no trauma to the baby...another miracle...but the doctor looked worried and wanted another opinion.
October 16th 2012 : My knee hurts... but it's the day for another scan...I went with my family for the scan and its a long wait with anxious people all around. My mind is really not thinking anything...all I know is that I want to know the report of the scan...I just wanted this to end...A shrewd radiologist gave his verdict after two scans and another lengthy gibberish speech - "It's not good news...your reports don't look good...your baby is in difficult position, has a cleft palate, has a perforated heart, unformed eyes and is a month underdeveloped than it's normal growth" .... what should any mother say to this..what would you say if you hear this...I'm home now remembering all this and all I wanted was someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok?
November 12th 2012 : My husband had to leave for a project a few days back...He didn't want to but I forced him to... Another scan....and this time no one said anything to me.Only my doctor finally said..." everyone is worried about the baby, but I am more worried about you" That seemed like the last straw ..I can't take this anymore and I just told the doctor " God is in control" ..I knew there was a long hard journey ahead of me. My baby was suffering from a bunch of diseases and now even I am at risk. With the world spinning out of control all I wanted was to breathe and take each second as it passed by...No more Lord...I can't control anything anymore...
November 21st,2012 : I am 32 weeks pregnant now.Almost 4 weeks away from delivery....I was on Skype with my husband a few minutes ago when I felt a light cramp...I was literally praying, not today Lord...my husband will be here soon, then let things go by...I am almost there....just four more weeks and then its the end of the traumatic journey...just four more weeks...
Next thing I know the doctor declares " You are already in labour...you will deliver in the next 24 hours!" Somehow...just somehow I was not afraid anymore. Its happening...now its happening ...I was not scared...I was sad but not afraid..Why?...Don't know.
November 22nd,2012: I delivered my baby girl at around 8:30 am after almost 11 hours of labour. My baby suffered from growth lag, a cleft palate,very weak heart and no eyes. And in spite of all this, she squealed to let me know she was alive.My baby was critical and every doctor was interested to study her case.Juniors were called to see, Seniors wanted to find the name of the condition..I was on the labour table for 5 minutes...alone...being stitched up while everyone tried to keep me form being overwhelmed.
A lot happened in the minutes to follow. Family came in, friends came,all had no words...and with me everyone were waiting. As the minutes went by, as the hour hands changed position.Three hours later....Jesus finally answered my prayer..."..make it or take it?"...He chose to take it.And I'm glad He did....
My baby girl slipped away as doctors tried to figure out what was wrong.She was finally at peace after 32 weeks of battle, she is at peace...
The weeks to follow, doctors tried figuring out and told me my case was very rare,like 1 in 2 lakhs, my daughter's condition is still being researched.And I ...
29th March 2013 :
Well I've started writing again, so I guess I am at peace too.For many, this may seem a poorly written article...but for me... this is a testimony of how God helped me understand that I don't have to understand everything, I don't have to control and make things ok....He will take care and no matter what happens, no one else but He will give us peace.
Life goes on... no matter how much we want things to change...life will go on and end only when your time has come. You may not like the way things are going but it will still go on...So we have to accept and admit it- we are not in control.We are not....we cannot do anything...only God can!