Before we discuss this topic, its worthwhile to dwell on an aspect of human relationship between sexes. Do men feel that there is a need for multiple sex partners? Do men naturally desire additional partners for sexual release in a life span ?.
Many research studies have been carried out and it can be confirmed here that man by nature thinks more of sex than a woman. Studies also point out that there is a latent desire by a man for a sexual relationship outside marriage. Men are more likely to be profligate in this matter than women. Why this should happen, cannot be quantified. Perhaps it is because of the physiological and mental make up of the male. Even in animal societies the majority are polygamous and have more than one partner.
In human society there was no marriage when prehistoric man lived, but gradually a need was felt to identify children and set up a family . This was regulated by bringing in the concept of marriage for easy identification of the family. But from history we learn, that man always had more than one partner and this continued for centuries. In Hindu society the concept of more than one sexual partner was accepted as a fact of life. Monogamy was almost unknown in Hindu society for close to 4000 years. The fact that most Hindu men did not practice polygamy was only because of economic constraints. The wealthy and the rich led by the Nawabs and Maharajas never practiced monogamy as they built up a Harem like in Islam, with tens of wives and concubines. The doyen of the Sikhs and a much respected ruler Maharajah Bhupinder Singh of Patiala had 10 official wives and over a 100 concubines( I am not sure of this figure and most likely it was much higher).
The only religion that brought in the concept of a single wife( monogamy) is Christianity. But it is a religion riddled by contradictions and though the Catholic faith does not recognise divorce or polygamy, yet in Catholic nations extramarital sex is most common. A look at society in Italy is an eye opener as almost every second man has a mistress. The novels of that famous novelist Alberto Moravia, bring out this dichotomy of married life in Italy. Moravia has pictured Italian society with all its nuances and extramarital sex with aplomb.
Most psychologists have concluded that man by his very nature tends to be polygamous. Yet man himself brought in the concept of polygamy in marriage. But polygamy has not brought about a suppression of the latent desire of man for another partner. This has resulted in secret liaisons, trysts and extramarital affairs. Another outlet given to a man and a woman is divorce. This is a recognition of the nature of man. society also accepts this desire for another partner in the form of various key clubs where wives are interchanged in a random manner by a game or a lottery. Again , as I have pointed out this is among the well to do and like polygamy being earlier practiced by the rich, such events are again a preserve of people above the economic threshold.
Despite all that I have written, man by his very nature desires variety. He may live with a suppression of this desire for decades, conditioned by religion and mores, but there is no doubt given a degree of latitude most men dream of another partner.
One Religion has recognised this physiological need for another partner and that is Islam. The reasons for polygamy in Islam and its acceptance by the clergy are different, but the net effect is that it caters for a sexual release of a man with another partner in the ambit of marriage. Islam permits upto 4 wives and divorce is much simpler. This does not mean that all Muslim men are polygamous and have more than one wife. Economic reasons will again dominate and in India despite all talk by vested interests the average Muslim has one wife. However the rich do exercise their prerogative and will have more than one wife. This privilege is only for the male and women are excluded.
One can say that in theory a man by being allowed to have 4 wives has an outlet for a relationship with another woman and this is sanctified by canonical law. In a way it is an acceptance of a basic urge of man for sex with another partner.
Polygamy is an outdated concept, but it served a purpose. With advancement in life in all spheres, one can say that polygamy has gone, but the desire of man for another sexual partner has not gone. This goes on and is a facet of everyday life all over the world.
One aspect that needs mention is the de facto presence of polygamy in the CHristian nations. In 1862 the US Congress passed a law banning polygamy. The worst affected was the Mormon Church, which believed in polygamy. Over the decades the men in the west have however got around the law passed by Congress. Men like Donald Trump and Larry king, divorce older women and marry younger woman. They thus extend the fertility period of their lives, something which polygamy would have done. It should also be noted that there is very little reverse traffic and all circumnavigation of the law of monogamy is mostly by men.
Psychologists and research scholars have opined that man is polygamous by nature and this recognition is perhaps only in Islam. But in essence even in other societies ways are available for a man to satisfy his urge for sexual partner other than the woman he has married.
One last fact worth highlighting is that right from historic ancient times men always aspired for multiple wives( albeit a small percentage), but in contrast hardly any woman aspired for polyandry. In real terms most women accepted the restrictions of society in terms of polygamy. The same continues now, except the parameters have changed with quick divorces. In contrast Islam is more forthright in this matter and having multiple partners for sex under the ambit of marriage is a recognition that man is by nature polygamous.
Listen to your own self
I wanted t write this article in first person that would allow me as a narrator to write using variations of 'I' or ‘me’ but as we know that sounds odd on writing article sites for it makes the article lesser attractive for Google, the search engine, so I will go with the standard practice of writing in my usual way. (But I will take the liberty to use ‘first person option’ when necessary).
We all know that the opinion of others is worth its value but one knows best how he feels best about himself. One must listen to his own voice and deal accordingly, there is no use asking for help from others for smallest of your problems. You will maybe get help but at what cost? At your own devaluation in others’ eyes! You will get help but you will get away from your inner voice, so why not try to help your own cause and save yourself from embarrassment!
We often meet people having a common complaint that they cannot go on with their existing problems. They feel they have had enough and cannot go ahead without someone showing them the right path. Here I want to use narration in first person as a trainer who deals with at least 20-25 professionals during the training session, some of them are not happy with their job and wish to resign at the first opportunity. They ask for my opinion and in some cases my help. In fact a lady married for four years asked a straight forward question in the morning session today- I am not happy with my husband should I file a divorce case.
I do not know about her but that took me bit aback. But I know in certain conditions people find them alone and feel disappointed. They reach to a point where they see no way out and look for someone to solve problems for them. But the truth is the opinion you seek from others is within you. The need is to listen to your own self and look deeper within your own self. You will find a right answer that will be far superior to what you’re expecting from outsiders.
We know the right answer
Yes we know the right answer but do not accept it until someone endorses it for you. Let me give you an example, if you ask me my age and I say I am eighty, you will not take it. Suppose I amend my answer and say I am sixty-four you will still not believe me but if I say I am 53, the chances are you will take it. You know what I mean, you knew the answer but wanted to listen it from my mouth. So, now I have told you what you wanted to listen, you immediately nodded in agreement. To be frank, you were waiting for the words that matched with your own anticipation.
In fact, when we feel confused and seek an opinion we ask questions but in most cases we believe the answers which we already had in our mind even before we heard the answers from someone else. However the truth remains that we always wanted to listen what we thought was right. There is another point that can be added here is that we seek help to feel we are not alone but someone cares for us or ready to help us through our problems.
I have no hesitation in saying that I do not mind when someone does not agree to my suggestions because I am not a professional counselor, ( I have been hired on part time basis by my company to teach them professional ethics). But I can understand the disappointment of professional counselors when their clients refuse to agree to their suggestions. But I can understand the mentality of my students who do not listen to my opinion because they never wanted to listen to what I told them. In fact they wanted to listen to what they had in their mind but I did not say that. Actually they had the solution in their mind but they were not sure.
You always wanted to be happy
If you wish to make your day memorable that should not be a problem for you. Just keep these three points in your mind-
1- I suggest you to read two news every day, a good one and other a bad one. The bad news is you cannot compel anyone to love you, like you or accept all your decisions and the good news is that makes no difference.
2- Actually, you can see people in every field of life who love creating problems in almost everything they participate in. Such people know how to attract attention but you have no reason to get distracted from your chosen path just because some people believe in dramatics. But you need not give them any attention but it is better to ignore them.
3- Don’t let yourselves limited to keep looking at the cover of the book but open it and read it as the matter that will enhance your knowledge is all there inside the book. The need is to take the specs off and look beyond color, size and the figure. You will see the inner beauty which is far superior to what you see from outside. I have always had my strong belief in the saying that “the things look different once you change the way you look at them.
Conclusion
If you have a firm faith in your own thoughts then you think in terms of, ‘I said to myself…’. Yes, there lies the solution of all problems. Once you start believing in yourselves all problems look so very small. It is good to seek opinions or should I say second opinions, it is always good to gain knowledge from everywhere but in the end it is you, only you the best guide who can solve your problems. Actually once you learn saying something to your own self then there remains no problem.
India is going through a difficult phase at the present time as the opposition parties have started a massive drive against the present government and being afraid of Indian Prime Minister's popularity among the Indian people which is growing by the day besides his growing international reputation and credibility.
For instance the Haryana chief minister Manohar Lal Khattar a member of the BJP has said nothing more than - People can live without eating beef which does not mean people can live in INDIA only when give up eating beef. It's same the way the community in question refused to accept yoga as a fitness exercise in the name of Surya Namaskar a Yogasana despite the assurance that they can use their own words in place of Surya Namaskar and the whole thing was optional, not binding on anyone. But the way things are being presented and Hindus have been presented the day is not far that a Hindu will regret why was he born a Hindu.
I would say that it's better to listen to the words carefully before jumping to the result. the erstwhile ruling party is trying its best to spread confusion among masses by putting the words in the mouth, spreading rumor etc and the new party in government not matching to their tricks as of now are easy prey when they say- we take our words back if anyone found them hurting. That is a common gesture for keeping the decorum which is grabbed by the party who ruined this country while ruling and now out of power they are doing it for the sake of creating suspicion in the mind of people.
Munawwar Rana, a poet who mostly attends Urdu concerts in Muslim Countries returned his award along with a cheque of Rs 1,0 0000 saying so many things on a TV channel last night in a dramatic way. He tried his best bringing the point that proved his community a victim of terrorism which is not the case but on the contrary the case he was referring to, was presented in a wrong context.
Rana said Muslims are target of Hindu terrorism which is not true but an act of accusing to defame India intentionally. The Hindu was never known as a community involved with terrorism. Munawwar Rana did not say a word about 100s of Hindus standing on Pakistani border in an Indian town of Rajasthan seeking asylum in India for the atrocities they have been facing in Pakistan regularly.
Neither had I heard a word by so called secular of this country about them so far. And the latest incident that took place in Karnataka has not been even considered worth talking which saw a man killed while trying to save a cow by so called victims in this country. I am sure the way the things are being presented in this country the Hindu community so far considered one who adjusts all and accepts all will take to hard lines and the it happened will be an unfortunate day for this country, known for its citizens’ tolerance power.
I, me and myself . That’s what the society has come down to. Everything about oneself takes overriding priority over anything else in this world. Being self centered is considered to be normal and absolutely fine today!
The Journey from ‘We’ to ‘I’
We have long moved away from joint families where grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins lived harmoniously under one roof no matter what differences they had. However, at some point the differences expanded and so did the families resulting into nuclear families. It may be argued that the job requirements were also the cause. It also seemed that distance indeed makes the heart grow fonder and thus the resulting small families were not frowned upon. People visited each other with gifts in their hands and fondness in their hearts during holidays and lived their lives happily. The senior members took turns to visit their children and spend time with them. All that was fine till the time they were not too old to be able to do their own chores and till the time when these nuclear families did not become miniature families comprising of only one member, the individual himself oblivious to the rest even when staying under the same roof with others. So now, be it because of a busy schedule, work pressure, independent income, ambition to run the rat race of going up a corporate ladder, social ladder or whichever ladder, the ‘selfie’ family or the self centered family leading to a self centered world has come into existence.
The ‘make believe’ world
Social media has added to the woes as it encourages self love and self appreciation leading to a feel good world within the circle of a virtual world. Whatever be our achievements or activities in the real world, we have found a platform to boast through these sites, with elaborate, sometimes exaggerated description and pictures to endorse the same. We seem to revel in the number of ‘likes’ and ‘comments’ that give us this uplifting feeling of self worth. In the process everyone these days is glued to mobiles, tabs, laptops, i phones and all sorts of gadgets ignoring the real people in the vicinity .Even when we are sitting with them we are scrolling through the posts and comments of a make believe world.
Trends and Effects
These trends are leading to a dangerous situation where a person including children is either living in a status conscious environment or a false world which revolves around themselves and their gadgets. Competition is anything but healthy these days. The need to overtake others to reach the goals is almost the essence of life now and therefore it is done at any cost even if people are crushed on their way to success. On the other hand narcissism is on the rise. People spend hours clicking their own pictures so much so that the word ‘selfie’ has been formally included in the oxford dictionary. Interaction and visiting relatives have become passe because one can simply ‘whats-app’ to inquire about each other. Discussions in the dining table have been reduced to mere formalities in many houses. This is also leading to a lot of communication gap which in turn is leading to broken relationships and lack of empathy. One is quite contended to spend time on his own.
It’s time to wake up and look around. It’s time to see who is suffering. Our parents and the older generation is suffering who feel neglected and left out as they cannot relate to the present day mind set and because we do not have the time to hold their hands to guide them through their old age .
Our children are suffering because their childhood is passing them by and yet they do not go out and play, talk and enjoy the outside world in company of siblings, cousins and friends. They are suffering because they are unable to ask, discuss, argue and understand about the various aspects of life from their parents. They are not being encouraged to spend time, listen to stories and experiences that their grandparents would give anything to share. Many children are going through emotional turmoil since we hand them over the play stations, tabs and TV channels to spend time with in order to compromise on our own physical presence. Bullying, irritability, combativeness is commonly seen in children because of these reasons.
Lastly but most importantly we are suffering because we have become so self centered and so self opinionated that no one else seems to be more important. We are running after a mirage of contentment in terms of material gains that never seems to be anywhere close ,and so, we are always left wanting for more. We are missing out on precious years of our lives that will be gone in a jiffy as our children grow, parents leave this world and friends of the real world drift away further.
Stop and Think
It’s time to start living and cherishing all those we care for. As much as it can’t be denied that the work pressure has increased many folds to have us engrossed in our work, it is for us to make time for ourselves and to keep our sanity intact and our relationships healthy. We must know where to draw the line and what is achievable within our capabilities. Neither can it be denied that the social media has helped to get us back in touch with our long lost friends we didn’t have contact with after those school days or relatives staying in far flung areas, but one can always find time for them without neglecting the near and dear ones who are our priority. Time management is the answer. When there’s a will there’s a way. It’s time to reach out and be there for our parents, children, spouse, relatives and friends, in person so that they know us more than just a profile picture on Facebook.
Life is not that easy
Most of us cannot tolerate untidiness around us be it our home or office. In fact we hate our foolishness and we curse ourselves for smallest of acts of wrongdoings and to avoid mistakes some of us try staying away from doing things which we are not sure we shall be able to do properly. In fact we want everything foolproof, managed and easygoing. We do not want complications, struggle or efforts to solve those problems involved with difficult tasks. But do you really feel life is that easy? We all talk big about rules and regulations but when we ourselves are concerned we try to find a way to shun them.
Life is like making an omelet
Surprised! But I have a firm belief in that the way some people make the omelet which otherwise is one of the easiest dishes to prepare is something to ponder upon. If you watch such people carefully you will see they have egg all over their clothes and body including mouth, hair and hands. Not a single utensil in place and paste of eggs and onions spread everywhere in the kitchen and finally so many tell tale signs which will be self explanatory. It looks so real of real life of so many of us. The egg breaks and so breaks the schemes of so many of us. The life looks full of burden, nothing goes well and nothing happens in right way. We do not get the desired results. We had started with different ideas but the ultimate result is something which was nowhere in our imagination.
Let the things take their own shape
Yes, it’s better to let things happen in their own way. If not always at least once in a while should be a good idea which will certainly provide you a moment of happiness. We should learn to laugh the unexpected problems off, at least in some cases that will save us from lot of heartaches for sure. That will save us from losing self control. That will be a good way to stay happy if we learn not to become too angry on small things but laugh them out and this is applicable on mistakes made by others too. Most of us feel distracted as soon something goes wrong even slightly which otherwise is not that serious a problem that will affect our life or finish this world. Let’s take a solace in the very fact that despite all the problems we are still alive and kicking, so why take it so seriously.
It’s good to ignore our foolishness (sometimes)
At least once in a while we can enjoy our childish behavior and enjoy the life after all life is not about perfection but a little bit of kiddish since it does not mean a person is immature but living/enjoying his childhood. Tidiness is fine but sometimes the untidiness too gives you a sense of freedom (provided you are not in a place that needs tidiness). The beauty of untidiness is as beautiful as that of tidiness (not always though).
Easy Life and Efforts
We all love a widespread blue sky, widespread green lawns, jungles, river banks, beaches. We love to walk on hilly roads, valleys, mountains. While at home or in travel push back chairs give us lot more comfort than straight back seats, leggy space is far more preferred than traveling in crowded buses. And what would you prefer if you have an option of open books’ to conventional examination system? But the fact is all these comforts lead us to a mental situation where smallest of hardness of life make us cry. We find life useless or begin cursing the system. So, why not stay prepared for hardships with little bit of efforts from the beginning because life as they say is not bed of roses but the thorns are part of everyone’s lives. There will be no motivation in life if everything will run smoothly. There will be nothing much if everything went easy and smooth without testing our skills. There will be nothing that will bring us closer to our abilities so we should not look for easiness but let the life take its own course.
Our efforts are important
Our efforts are the most important factor however small the matter. Let’s put it this way, if you have to build your muscles you certainly need to put lot of efforts for building them and building your muscles through hard workouts not only improves your physical strength but makes you mentally strong too. Your willpower and character also gets a boost up with a stronger body. It’s not that having a stronger body means our problems stop there but it gives you an inner strength that makes you better prepared to face problems in life. Our efforts always make our life better not because the challenges stop existing but we become stronger and face challenges better prepared.
What should I do?
Next time you come across problems or feel pain in your daily routine resist the temptation of shouting over the problems, stop your tears and also stop asking the same question repeatedly ‘why me again’. This is not you only but all of us are in the same boat and all of us go through the same situations but some of us take them in our stride where as some of us feel we are the only person targeted by problems.
I suggest you to remember a couple of facts-
1- The persons who always remain happy do not adapt to shortcuts in life but take the bull by the horn
2- Successful people never lost the battle but started again after falling down
3- There is nothing like easy or difficult but how you handle the problems, how best you know how to tackle a tricky situation
4- Challenges if faced properly will enhance your mental and physical capacity
5- Sleeping is easy while staying awake is a difficult job, you will gain nothing if sleeping all the time
6- Complaining is easy while keeping mum is difficult and finding a solution of the problem is perhaps most difficult but you have to find a solution
7- Looking at darker side is easy and on positive side difficult but praising others for their qualities is probably most difficult, learn how to praise
8- Blaming is easy and accepting own faults is difficult but saying sorry is perhaps most difficult, learn how to say sorry
9- To give up is easy but living a meaningful life is difficult living a life full of adventure and with positive thoughts is most difficult, getup and live a challenging life
Conclusion
We spend most of our time ‘with ourselves’ but think about others most of the time. We should not think what others want but let’s think what we want and make our own life best and lively. This world needs lively people. Do not listen to others’ confusing thoughts because as they say everyone has his own thoughts and if you are sure about your own views you do not need to listen to anyone but ascertain your own path and move. Remember that all your good deeds will bring their best results for you in due course. I am sure most of us have heard the time proven proverb- ‘The best time for planting a fruit tree was twenty years before or it is today’.
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