A Journey

It was chaos and noise as usual at the weekly meeting with Mrs Saliyan speaking loudly at the top of her voice about her daughter in law to Indu , who was trying hard to listen to her and trying to concentrate on what was being discussed at the meeting with a harried expression on her face . On the other side the two new members of the Women’s community association were busy exchanging gossip as they sipped their cold drinks...This was annoying Mrs Malini Shastri , who wanted to say some sharp words to them about discipline , but just then , she got the feeling that the entire room was beginning to shake , and she ordered everyone to stay quiet so she could go into the root of the matter and find a solution ! But there was a thud .....At this juncture Malini woke up from her little nap to realise that the train she was travelling on, had come to a stop!

“ Thank god for that, I did not have to deal with the members making a nuisance of themselves at the meeting “ she spoke to herself ! Just imagine, I seem to be managing things even in my dream, she told herself with a pleased and satisfied smile !

Now, with renewed interest she tried to peer through the glass window of the AC coach to see why the train had stopped in the middle of nowhere ! There was nothing much to see except the lush greenery and acres of farmland, and just then the train began to move again!

In a few minutes they were pulling into the Sakleshpur station after which they would be going through the Western Ghats and descending downwards. The ticket collector/guard came into her cabin to tell her that the signals were crossed and until the goods train coming up the ghats clears the track they would not be able to move further ! So, she could get off the train and walk on the platform or visit the nice tea shop located at the end of the platform ! She decided to do just that !

An Encounter

Adjusting her hair and dress in the mirror and admiring her trim figure and firm skin, Malini picked up her hand bag and stepped down on to the platform and began walking towards the tea shop located at the end of the platform. She found it and managed to find a table with two chairs. As she looked around she noticed that the place was bustling with people and activity and there were people from other trains too waiting for the signal.

‘Maliniii....! fancy finding you here of all the places !’ – Malini turned round to see where the voice came from and was surprised to see a plump unkempt woman dressed in pajamas ( that’s what it looked like ) and a loose tee shirt that was crumpled and had some stains on it ! As she took another closer look , recognition dawned on her -Sheila ! ‘Sheila is that really you ?’

Sheila came towards her with outstretched hands and a warm smile ‘ of course it is myself, Sheila your best friend at school and Malini , you can count on me to appear at the unlikeliest places, you know that by now !

Malini was happy to see her childhood friend , who she had been meeting off and on and at the unlikeliest spots and occasion. Although she did not exactly approve of Sheila’s life style , she was fond of her because of her straightforward talk and no nonsense approach to things , at times a bit too frank probably ! She had a way of making the most outrageous statements which sometimes made people uncomfortable !!

Some revelations

Just as expected Sheila came straight out , rather to the point !‘ Malini, where you visiting Disha by the way ? I heard about her miscarriage and I am extremely sorry ’ Malini agreed that she had gone to help out her elder daughter Disha during her difficult period and now that things were settled she was going back !

‘By the way , Sheila , How did you come to know that I was visiting Disha ? ‘

‘I had met Krsih , Disha’s husband a few days ago and he had mentioned that you might be paying them a visit’

Sheila’s next question surprised her ‘ I suppose you invited yourself’

Malini said with some stiffness ‘ Shiela , I don’t need an invitation to visit my daughter in her hour of need , frankly do I ?

‘I am sorry Malini, I heard from Krish, that he had to ask his mother not to come although she had already planned her visit and booked her tickets , simply because you decided to visit them and they had to accommodate you ‘

‘I was not aware of that , Krish could have told me ‘

‘I am sure you never thought of asking, anyway , looks like you are the same even now, I am happy !’

Malini was not sure how to take that, as a compliment or an insult ! But when she glanced at Sheila, all that she saw was an earnest and friendly look ..

They ordered Coffee and some snacks and as they ate, Malini asked after Shiela and her husband.

‘Which one ? I am now at the no husband stage, having a live in partner 9 years younger than I ! Life has been tough for me Malini, after having gone through three miserable and failed marriages, this one seems to be working because there are no strings attached ! I feel that I am no good while dealing with men. Malini looked at her in a horrified manner while Sheila looked both satisfied and happy with her lot !

Just then a young man in naval uniform drew close to their table and spoke to Sheila with a lot of affection, and when Sheila introduced Malini to him, although he was courteous, he was a bit wary and distant in his replies.

Later after Sharma , the naval officer left, Sheila explained that the youngster was also part of the crowd that lived in Haasan and knew Disha and her husband well ! This bit of news made Malini even more uneasy ! Sheila with her bohemian life style and unkempt looks seemed to have found favor with everyone including her own family members and their friends whereas , she with all her connections, her disciplined life style and social service routine was being thoroughly neglected !

Family and more !

‘How is Vishal and his real estate business ? ‘ ...’You have a wonderful husband Malini, does he still toe the line ? No fresh deals ?’

‘I beg your pardon ! did he ever do that Sheila? ‘

‘Of course he did Malini , and you were wonderful while dealing with him , made him into a proper gentleman from a reckless and carefree young man ! Although I must say that he had a rakish charm back then ‘ ..Sheila had a mischievous glint in her eye ..

Malini was becoming more and more uncomfortable with all this talk , but she knew that Sheila was not a person with malice or evil intentions nor did she have a gossipy nature ! She was brutally frank about herself and others too !

Next came another missile ! ‘Does Vishal still miss Nayana ? ‘ Malini was stumped at this !She wondered how Shiela knew about Nayana?

‘What do you mean Sheila? Nayana was not even a friend, actually the wife of a employee in his office ! So how can Vish miss her?’

Sheila looked confused at this “ I thought they were close , my mistake, I tend to read too much into a situation at times “ ‘ Malini, don’t mind my talk, I am genuinely happy to have met you and now I have to go...but, I do sincerely hope that you are able to establish happier and more cordial relationships with your children , take care dear and hope we meet again somewhere in the near future ! “

“And, Please do take good care of Vishal and let him do his own thing at least some of the times , he looks so pained when he smiles ! “ with this last powerful missile, Sheila was gone leaving behind a dumbstruck ,thoroughly confused and angry Malini !

Cordial relationship with my children indeed !and, Vish looking pained when he smiles !! What was the scatterbrain talking about ? She, Malini , the president of the Women’s community association , who was able to handle every single adversity in life was perfectly capable of taking care of her own family ! With that she gulped down the last of her coffee, paid for it and went back to the train !

Delay and change of plans

Just as she reached the train , the guard blew the whistle and they were chugging away once more towards their destination. After covering 3 or 4 kms , the train stopped again and this time , there was some disturbing news ! There was a land slide on the tracks down below in the ghats due to land slides and until the tracks were cleared the train will not be able to make the journey. The passengers were going to be accommodated in a guest house!

There were 35 people in all and they were taken in a bus to a guest house indifferently run by the Public works department, which was all but clean ! Since most of the others were either families or single men, she was given a single room, for which she was grateful! They were served a simple dinner consisting of chapatis, rice, dhal and vegetables and left to their own devices since there was nothing else to do except wait ! Some of the people began to play cards and some began chatting and socialising but Malini was not in the mood for anything, so she decided to go to her room and rest or sleep !

Sleep was not easy since her mind was filled with all kinds of thoughts and all because of some careless remarks made by a woman who was known to make such thoughtless statements ! But Malini asked herself , where they careless or thoughtless ? or was there some truth in what Sheila said ? Wasn’t it precisely because of that, people felt uncomfortable when Sheila was around ? Sheila had a way of showing a mirror to your inner soul instead of glorifying you ! And with me she has done exactly that and probably more, thought Malini !

Uncomfortable truths

As she lay on the lumpy uneven bed trying to make herself comfortable , Malini began going over her conversation with Shiela and what she had told her about her own daughter Disha !

Disha had been an obstinate and head strong girl bent on opposing everything her mother asked her to do or suggested. Vishal too found her exasperating but was able to get through to her on certain occasions because of his understanding, gentle and convincing nature.

So, it was not surprising to them, when one fine day Disha announced her intention to marry Krishna who was her classmate , without a job and looked like a hippie, which from Malini’s point of view was worse than not having a job...

No amount of convincing helped and Disha married Krish . Vishal having decided not to resist but to give in to Disha’s wishes , in spite of stiff resistance from Malini, decided to set up Krish at Hassan with a real estate office where both Disha and he could work. Surprisingly, the venture proved to be a success! The couple settled down in Haasan.

Disha had a son two years after her marriage and recently went through a miscarriage due to overwork and Malini was keen on visiting her daughter’s family and give some well meant ( according to her) advise on managing their lives. But, she had the feeling that Disha was not too keen on having her and definitely not ready to listen to any sort of advise .

After having spent 40 days with them , she was now on her way back home ! But according to Shiela, she was an uninvited and probably an unwanted guest at her daughters place, they would rather have had Krish’s mother with them !

However, Vish obviously had no such limitations when it came to visiting his daughter and son in law, since Disha was perpetually on the phone with him, chatting about work and other things as well and inviting him over to their place ! He did visit them every now and then, that’s where Sheila must have met him and seen his pained smile !!!

Come to think of it, not just Disha even Diganth their youngest son who was working in Singapore seemed to share more phone time and details with his dad than her. Every time he called , if she picked up the phone ,it was just ’ Hi mom, how are you? Take care and please do look after dad , put dad on .. And, Vishal would make himself comfortable on the diwan, putting his feet up as if he was going to chat with his children forever !

This was the case with Divya too who was their second daughter, working for an International bank at Mumbai and visiting home once a year during Diwali! Her visits usually ended in some unpleasant argument between the two of them and Vish had to step in to mend matters between them ! Malini realised that Divya had never invited her to go over to Mumbai but Vish did go and visit her and spend time with her. He came back filled with happiness but never ever gave any details !

No, that was not strictly true, in fact , she herself did not ask for any details. Once in the beginning Vishal was eager to tell her about his trip but Malini was about to leave for one of the many fund raising events and asked him to tell her later ! Later, she never remembered and when she did so after a week , Vishal had laughed and told her that he had forgotten what he wanted to say...

Now thinking back, she could see how self centered ,insensitive and uncaring she had been , but there is always a second chance, wasn’t there to make things better ! What was striking was the way Sheila had perceived things and conveyed it to her ! She had never realised that Shiela was capable of such sensitivity and understanding. Now she felt thankful to her in a way !

Disturbing journey into the past

She fell asleep and woke up early the next morning, hoping things were back to normal and the tracks were cleared. Unfortunately that was not the case, however, they hoped to clear it by the end of the day, which meant spending another day here with her thoughts ! Breakfast was Bread, butter and jam with some weak Tea and bananas !

After having consumed it she decided to take a walk round the place which was actually a small village in the middle of the mountains and very scenic. The others too were moving here and there admiring the beauty of the far away mountains and the lush greenery. She took some pictures and also made some notes in her note pad which she always carried with her.

As she came round the bend she stopped suddenly because she had the feeling that she was looking at a familiar disturbing picture which had not faded from her mind over the years ! A young man sat atop a small rock looking out at the mountain side and nearby a lady stood leaning against a tree looking out at the same mountain side. They were apart but there was such an intimacy between them, their expressions , although they were not looking at each other was that of contentment and excitement at being together !

It was the same when she had come across Vish and Nayana that afternoon a long time ago. It had happened unexpectedly. Malini had visited a friend and decided to walk back instead of taking an auto or a bus. She had decided to try out a new route which took her through a small hillock. As she was walking up she happened to glance to her right and saw the two of them – Vishal sitting on a fallen tree in a very relaxed manner , looking boyish with his hair tousled , a smile on his lips and Nayana standing a little away leaning against a tree and both of them looking at the distant mountains ! The same intimacy and excitement was evident then which she had failed to see or perhaps did not want to see.

Malini had later asked Vish about it and he had told her that he liked to go to that spot and Nayana too came there on her own since she too liked the place . Nothing more or nothing less and Malini had decided that Vishal was taking his friendship with Umesh too far ! But now looking back, she wondered whether it was it as simple as that ?

This thought process was causing her a great deal of anguish and discomfort. She decided sit down on one of the stone benches and carefully rearrange her thoughts . Had Vishal and Nayana had an affair? She was sure they did not, but they did share something  much more valuable and intimate perhaps and was it because of her?

Nayana and Umesh

As she thought back on those days she remembered Nayana’s own life and family consisting of her husband Umesh who worked with Vish as a building contractor and their two children. Umesh was an extremely nice person and Nayana clearly respected and loved him. They lived in a small house on the outskirts of the city where Nayana grew some vegetables in a haphazardly maintained garden and also maintained a cow for their daily needs of milk ! Nayana never seemed to care about her looks , she would come to the market wearing the same dress she would have worn while gardening and cooking or for that matter doing the house work , with her hair flowing in all directions ...

When Malini , who was very particular about appearances made a remark about this to Vishal, he had been silent for a while and then told her that Nayana never cared about such shallow things, she was more concerned about looking after her husband and children and making them happy rather than make a fuss about herself !

Malini had come to know that her husband visited Nayana’s little cottage after work, driving Umesh back and often sharing a meal with the entire family ! Malini found this strange, given the difference in their status – Vishal was the boss and Umesh just an employee and once even had an argument about it with Vish, who had smiled sadly shaking his head and said nothing .

It was discovered that Umesh was suffering from cancer and there was no hope for him at all ! Malini visited the cottage to share their grief and was shocked beyond her belief to see Umesh giving a piggy ride to his little son while Nayana and her daughter ran around them screeching with joy and mirth ! There was no trace of sorrow or suffering there . When they saw Malini they came forward and greeted her.

Nayana had told her later that she wanted Umesh to have joy and happiness with his family when he was alive without ever thinking of all the pain and suffering he may have to endure ! Umesh died 7 months later and Nayana although  prepared for this, was devastated ! So, where did Vish and his relationship with Nayana come in? Wondered Malini...

One day Vishal had come home in the afternoon ( she was out collecting funds with other ladies for an upcoming event) and was sitting on the bench in the garden , clearly immersed in deep thoughts when she had come back. He later told her that Nayana had sold the little house and had gone to her native village along with the children, where her mother lived .

She would never know whether Vishal and Nayana had kept in touch or whether he had visited her ! Malini moved restlessly going over the past and a clear picture was emerging before her ! She Malini, had been an insensitive person who was unable to see any other point of view except her own, and she had been running away from many things, that is not facing things as they were ! All she had done was dodge, twist and turn ... Sheila with her easy warm hearted direct talk had made her realise the fact . So what was she to do now ?

Make Amends

Thinking was a hard process for Malini since she never needed to think about things before. It had been quite easy to fill her life with unimportant trivialities that left her no time for self knowledge or self analysis, which probably would have greatly helped her.

She had no doubt loved her husband and children but did not really bother to know them and be part of their life, rather expected them to become part of hers ! That was the whole problem.

Even this visit she had gone on was more an idea of playing the part of a devoted mother. A charming mother welcomed by her suffering daughter and devoted son in law. Only they had been dismayed by her visit and had been relieved when she announced that she had to get back.

Malni stared round her wildly and realised that a fog was spreading and quite fast too ...She began to move in one direction and then the other and frenziedly began to run and found that she had lost her way. She thought this is the end, who will come to her ? Vish had no idea that she was here, since she had not told him about her arrival wanting to keep it a surprise !

She decided to sit still and wait until the fog cleared away instead of moving around. She began to think while she waited . What kind of a woman was she ? She had been a good wife , wasnt she ? may be at times she had her way, like when Vishal wanted to go back to his mother during her last years and take care of her , she had found a solution by putting the old lady away in one of the well known and best old age homes where the woman had a peaceful but lonely life !

Vishal in his gentleness had not fought with her but given in each time and suffered in silence? Her children had rebelled against her all through their life since they were not as gentle or accommodating as Vishal . Now overcome with guilt, she thought ‘ Vish what have I done ? is there nothing I can do now? Nothing I can say ?

The journey back to the present

 It was like a dream, Malini thought , walking through the mountains, getting caught up in the fog and finding her way back and now sitting on the train ready to leave for her destination, her home where her husband Vishal waited for her. Outwardly she was the same efficient practical person that had left home but only she knew of that astonishing change that lay behind that facade and revelation she had of herself.

She was now eagerly waiting to reach home and ask Vishal’s apologies for everything she had done so far and hope that things would be happier for him and there would be no pain behind his smile ! She was determined to make amends .

They had reached her town at last ! there was no one to meet her at the station for she had sent no communication of her arrival. As she came out of the station she heard a loud greeting and was pleased to see Mrs Nayak who was the secretary of their association ! Mrs Nayak gushed about how they had missed her and waiting for her to come back and resume her duties that were not being dispensed as well as they should have been etc etc...

Malini at this juncture began to have a different idea altogether ! She was on her home ground, very much respected and wanted, so what about yesterday’s revelations ? Were they just her imagination, after all there was no concrete evidence of anything except a few snatches of conversation coming from Shiela the scatter brain.

Her thoughts continued on these lines as she sat in the taxi that was taking her home. The more she thought about it the more confident she became that the mountain and the romance in the place and that chance encounter with trouble maker Shiela had made her imagination go wild, things were just the same as before !

Life goes on as usual ??

She was greeted by their maid Agnes who helped her with her luggage and told her that Vish was at the office. As Malini went round the house she thought back on her experience at the guest house and the mountains. She had imagined all sorts of unpleasant things – that her children did not like her and Vishal, her husband had loved and shared intimate feelings with Nayana, of course he hadn’t ! What an idea !

But why was she so confused about things ? so unlike her usual self ! Just then she heard the door bell ! Malini went slowly down the stairs to greet Vish , who had come in and was clearly surprised to see her. She looked at him and for a moment all the memories in the mountains came alive , then she said gaily ‘Vishal, I am back !

And things were back to normal with Malini instructing and directing the maid in the kitchen and directing Vishal to do this and that...Vishal sat back in his favorite chair in his office room and watched Malini through the door as she bustled away. He had been mistaken, he decided in thinking that Malini looked different for a moment when she had come forward to greet him, but , she was just the same as usual.

 He looked across at the smaller chair where Nayana had sat, tired, dejected but not willing to give up! That was when she had come requesting him to help her sell the little cottage, so she could start life all over again in a new place. She had looked tired and ill but knew that she had to go on for the sake of her children, so brave and courageous !

 At this point of time , it was but natural that Vishal’s thoughts turned to love- what was love ? The peace and content he had felt in Nayana’s company when they had sat watching the distant trees , not touching nor even looking at each other yet aware and excited at being together or when she had visited here and asked his help ! He would have gone to the world’s end to help her out. His only regret was that he never once told her that he loved her and now she was gone forever !

She had never revealed that she too had cancer and it had come as a shock to him when he heard that she had succumbed 3 months ago ! But she had made him the trustee of her children , which fact , Vishal never told Malini because he thought she would not care or may even come up with some remark that might hurt him.

He and Nayana had shared a common bond of desperate agony and longing ! They had glanced together at a distant promised land to which they could not enter , he again felt that he should have told her that day , that he loved her. It would not have made any difference to their lives since Nayana loved Umesh and the children and would never fail in her duties. He too had his own responsibility towards his family - neither of them had said anything .

The only personal comment he had ever made to her was once to tell her that she had a sweet voice and she had blushed at that . And from her side, the only indication she had given about any feelings she had for him was something he was not sure about ! Once he and Umesh were chatting in Nayana and Umesh's  little cottage, with the children playing in the garden, Nayana cooking and singing to herself something about’ forever spring’... Did that include him in her thoughts or was she happy and singing a favorite song of hers? When he went into the kitchen to get a glass of water, Nayana had not looked at him and he felt that she was overcome with feelings !

However, the past 40 days he had felt her presence every single day here in this room and he had been happy and carefree conversing and sharing things with her. He also told her that he ought to have shared his feelings and told her that he loved her and she seemed to understand .

The door opened and Malini came in ‘Oh Vish you cannot read in the dark ! she turned the light on and he smiled and thanked her murmuring ‘the holidays are over’! He looked thoughtfully at his wife out of tired kindly eyes of his own. So very pretty, bright, efficient and pleased with herself but so....Poor Malini ! he thought to himself, you are alone and you will always be alone, but you will never know it and thank god for that !

Conclusions

Individuals never change no matter what kind of emotions overtake them or a flood of submerged memories long buried in their sub conscious mind try to conquer them , not even when they painfully re-examine their attitudes, relationships and past actions. They remain the same and continue to live life the way they have always lived.

Even an introspection, if and when it happens, does so under compelling situations and vanishes when normalcy is restored. People cannot change just by saying "I'm sorry". If at all, people change by knowing exactly why they should be sorry...

( image source wikimedia image gallery)