Anita got off the bus trying to balance her hand bag and the two bouquets of flowers which she held carefully so that the flowers remained fresh and did not get crushed as she made her way in the crowded street. As she took the smaller road leading to the cemetery she was lost in thought, her mind a whirlwind of emotions and feelings. There was decision to be made and time was running out ...

As she reached the cemetery gates she could see that it was already becoming dark although it was only 5 in the evening , with the trees casting long shadows . She hurried to the side gate and the two headstones that stood quite close to it. She sat in front of the two , gently and lovingly dusting away the dry leaves and twigs that had fallen on them and lay down the two bunches of flowers on them and sat on the ground with each of her hand resting on the two graves . She wanted to convey all her feelings and emotions to Tulsi and her little precious one that rested below the two stones and hoped that she would make the right decision with their help !

Looking Back

As she sat there close to the stones she felt an inner calm and it was but natural that a flood of memories come back to her. They were not just memories, they were part of her being, staying with her every minute and every second of the day, shaping her life and thinking to the extent where she felt that she would be lost without them. They were an integral part of her life and existence !

Three years had gone by but not a day passed without her shedding a few tears for a precious life that was gone forever !

Anita was a journalist working for a leading fortnightly magazine published by the United Press in the capacity of a sub editor and a free lance journalist when work and time permitted her to do so. An orphan who had been brought up in a convent she had not embraced any religious belief but had tremendous respect and regard for the nuns who had shaped her personality and instilled the right values in her. They had also made sure that along with food, nutrition and clothing ,she received basic education and could stand on her own feet. Anita had been an intelligent girl with a probing mind and while working for a law firm as a clerk came across an editor who was facing defamation charges. That paved the way for her entry into the journalistic world.

She was committed to her career and hoped that some day she could have her own publishing house. It was soon after she joined the United Press that she met Andy , as he was called by everyone. Later she had come to know that his name was Anand and he was a freelance journalist who covered sporting events across the country and within the continent . They had hit it off right from the beginning and it was but natural that they were drawn to each other and gradually fell in love with each other.

Around the same time Anita had another major change happening in her life. Sister Theresa who was like a god mother to her, died of old age and the new management wanted her to move out of the convent since she was grown up and financially independent now.

She found a small place close to her office, a couple of rooms being let out by an aged lady who hardly smiled and had laid down several conditions to her on what could be done and what was not allowed within the holy premises of her house and garden. Anita was determined that she would move out within a month or two when she found better accommodation and a more friendly owner.

There is a saying that looks and appearances are deceptive and Anita realised that fact soon enough with Aunty Tulsi who was her owner. Tulsi was all alone in the world, and having lost her entire family of husband, a daughter and son in law, was naturally wary of people. But when she came to know that Anita too had no one in the world it was but natural that they began sharing things and in a matter of months they had developed a great rapport with each other and Anita was being looked after like a daughter by the kind old woman who insisted that she eat all her meals with her.

Anita spoke about Andy to Tulsi all the time and was very eager to bring him home to meet her, since she valued Tulsi’s opinion. She had realised that with her wisdom Tulsi was able to gauge people and it was important for Anita that Tulsi approve and like Anand before they go any further in their relationship.

The great day dawned when Anita brought Andy home and she was glad to see that Tulsi had prepared a lovely lunch and was being very friendly and courteous to him . After Anand had gone back at night after having spent the entire day with them, Anita settled down with Tulsi to get her feedback. Tulsi was quiet and thoughtful at first ! When Anita pressed her to say something about Anand, the old lady looked at her and said ‘ I am reminded of my husband, who was a charmer but rotten from inside” and when she saw the look of dismay on Anita’s face, hurried on to add....’ I have become bitter because of my own experience, my husband was a useless man who made my life hell and it was because of him that I lost all of them including my loving daughter and son in law , being driven by my drunk husband in our old car , ramming into a truck while overtaking a van ”. She was shaking with her own emotions and pent up feelings which she had kept hidden all this while and Anita wondered what the lady must have gone through all these past years! She tried her best to console the old lady.

However, this did not make things easier for her since she had to think of her own feelings for Andy and whether he would turn out to be unsuitable after a few years. But, the next morning she was glad to see that Tulsi was her usual self and told her not to mind anything she might have said last night since, she had become judgmental of young men after her own experience and she also asked Anita to go ahead and finalise things with Anand.

Andy had no family except his father who lived in a village close by and seemed to lead his own life without either depending on his son or even interacting with him much which seemed strange to Anita who was thirsting for a family. Often she would wonder who her own parents were and what would they look like and what would they be doing now? Whether her parents were together? Or was she an abandoned child born out of passion and later regretted.

In the past, all these thoughts often tortured her but after having met Tulsi she had  learnt to accept things as they were since one could not change it, instead she learnt to live for the present and make the most of it. As of now life seemed like a dream with Tulsi and Anand playing a major part in it.

Marriage and later..

Two months later Anand and Anita got married at a registrar’s office in the presence of Tulsi, Andy’s father Mr. Ramakrishnan , few of their friends and colleagues. Mr. Ramakrishnan and Tulsi seemed to have a lot to talk about, when they were eating lunch later at a restaurant hall. Anita liked Andy’s father and he in turn was quite happy to see such a pretty and well behaved daughter in law, although he had his own doubts about his son ! He looked away with a sigh, praying and hoping that things would work out for that sweet natured girl who was so much in love with his son.

Since both were busy with their work they had to rush back after a short memorable honeymoon and at the insistence of Tulsi, the couple continued to stay with Tulsi which worked out well for all of them. However with time Anita began to realise that Andy was secretive at times and was not easy to get along with. When she confided this with Tulsi, all that she would say was to give her marriage a little more time and have patience !

Andy’s father visited them once bringing with him some home grown fruits and sweets. Anita was very happy to receive him but Andy did not look very happy to see his father. Mr.Ramakrishnan, who insisied that she call him papa , though was quite comfortable chatting with both Anita and Tulsi and later after he left Tulsi made a comment with a sigh ‘ It is a wise father that he knows his own son’ and left the room and Anita wondered ' what was that supposed to mean? Frankly, she herself was a little uneasy with the way things were between Andy and his father, who she respected and liked a little more with every meeting.

Things go wrong

Things began to grow wrong steadily within 6 months of togetherness and marriage, when Anita began to realise that Andy was selfish and rude and it was only the presence of Tulsi and the fact that they lived in her house that made him behave in a civil manner. But there were times when he was gone for days together without giving her any details or an explanation about his absence. Anita was not sure how to get through to him to make things better since she did not want to speak about him to Tulsi, who she felt was already prejudiced against Andy!

She had another shock when she realised that she was pregnant and her first thought was to go in for an abortion since her career and everything else about her life would change. But, surprisingly  Andy somehow liked the idea and seemed quite happy with it and so was Tulsi, so, Anita had no other go but to accept the fact. But she was not happy about it and began to resent the life that was growing within her.

Having heard the news her papa came to visit her again with fruits and some sweets which he had specially got made for her from a friend’s wife. Andy was his usual indifferent self ! However, Mr Ramakrishnan was quick to see that Anita was not looking cheerful and glowing as an expectant mother should be and on probing her a little, realised that she was not happy with her pregnancy. Before he left he told her that he was happy to become a grandfather but that happiness would be complete only when his daughter in law too would be as happy ! Anita was touched with his sincere words and decided to look at the issue from a different point of view !

As she became heavy with the baby inside her she also began to look forward to the movement of her little one inside her. The first time it happened she was shocked and scared that something had gone wrong but Tulsi laughingly assured her that everything was in order and the baby was now making its presence felt ! That was the first bond she developed with her baby. She also began to notice that Andy had become more distant and was hardly speaking to Tulsi after they had an argument about something which both said was a minor issue.

Tulsi too was looking ill although she denied it when Anita spoke about it. When Anita was in her seventh month of pregnancy on a Sunday, Tulsi became very ill and had to be hospitalised for a day after which she was asked to take bed rest. The next day while Anita sat with Tulsi until she feel asleep and was about to leave, Tulsi stopped her by holding her hand and looking at her steadily  said that probably she had made a mistake while advising her ! But before Anita could ask for an explanation , she had fallen asleep .

The next morning Tusli breathed her last after complaining of chest pain. Anita’s world fell around her and the only person who gave her solace was her father in law who came after hearing about Tuls'is demise which had shaken him as well. The only person who seemed to have become more confident and sure of himself was Andy, who was literally behaving as if he was the lord of the place.

Two weeks after Tulsi’s death, Anita got a call from Tulsi’s lawyer Mr Rao who wanted to meet her in person. He came home bringing Tulsi’s will with him and handed it over to her since she was the sole beneficiary of all her assets which included the house and the land around it and a couple of bank accounts . Andy who was present wanted to know if there was another will since he felt that there was another will in which Tulsi had made with some other provisions and when the lawyer questioned him as to how he knew this, he didn’t know what to say, just mumbled something about having overheard ! Anita realised that Tulsi must have changed her will after she caught Andy snooping, which was why the two of them had had an argument that day ! But what exactly made Tulsi change her will and what provisions she had made in her earlier will remained a mystery forever !

Anita had now come to realise that she had married Mr Wrong , based only on physical attraction, but was bound to him because of the baby who now seemed the most important being in her life. She spoke to the little one as it kicked and moved inside her pouring out all her anguish and sorrow and somehow she had the feeling that the baby responded by listening quietly. Often she would go to the graveyard where Tulsi was buried and sit there silently , until she felt calmer and ready to face Andy and the world.

Tragedy and heart break

There was more heartache in store for her !The last scan at 36 weeks of her pregnancy showed that the baby had a hole in the heart and Anita went numb. The baby had already become the center and soul of her life and now to hear this ? If only there was something that could be done...she cried her heart out that night and every night after that . Papa was there to console her and be part of her grief since it was his grief too. Andy however, decided to wash his hands off at this stage since the whole thing proved too much for him !

It was papa who took her to the hospital when labor pains began and it was other friends and colleagues who were constantly there to look after her and lend her the much needed support while Andy was busy elsewhere without a care in the world. Mr Ramakrishnan was livid and denounced his son forever !

But Anita’s sufferings were far from over. Her beautiful little son when he was born , looked like a little angel warrior at seven pounds four ounces with waving hands and legs and melting gaze and Anita held him close to her and cried bitterly not knowing how long she would have him with her.The doctors wanted to keep him under observation since the hole in his heart was far too large and any kind of surgery was out of the question. Anita held him close in her arms and gazed at him day and night and fed him her life blood hoping that she could somehow save him! 

But on the 14th day her baby left her forever,calm and peaceful as he lay in her arms . If not for the presence of her father in law who himself was devastated, Anita might have gone mad with grief and agony. But her papa was like a steady rock providing her the support and understanding that she needed. They buried the little baby who did not even have a name on record , next to Tulsi . Anita thought back and remembered how she and Tulsi had made a list of names and finally Tulsi had selected two names out of them - Abhay, if it was a boy and Aasha if it was a girl. She put up the name Abhay on the little grave stone since she wanted her baby to have a name at least in death !

Even now, she could clearly remember the way he gazed at her, a steady gaze that shook her to the core each time she remembered it even now. Her lovely baby snatched away from her by cruel fate to leave her completely drained and down!

It was funny how after 3 years her little son who lived only for 14 days was so real to her whereas, Andy with whom she fell in love, married and lived for almost a year had become so vague and unimportant. The only lasting imprint she had of him was to wonder how she could have been so foolish as to be unaware how superficial he was right from the start. Tulsi had of course seen through him but love had blinded her from accepting his faults which were all but apparent !

The first thing she did after losing the baby was to pile all Andy's things into a cardboard box and leave it in the outside garage. Papa had gone back to his village taking a promise from her that she would eat well and look after herself. And. one day suddenly out of the blue Andy came asking her about the baby, she looked straight into his eyes and told him that she knew very well  he had come back for his things which was in the garage and never to come back again ! and that was that, he was finally out of her life !

The Present

Three agonising years had passed with papa losing interest in life and deciding to join a ashram. The last she heard Andy was involved with someone else and as for her she had the precious memories of her baby and those 14 bitter sweet days she spent with him. She would remember him every single day and cry until she could cry no more and the pain in her heart was a constant ache that refused to diminish with time!

She did go back to work more because she needed something to divert her mind . While on a writing assignment Anita had to visit an orphanage run by one of the local leaders. As she looked at the little babies, it was but natural that she had tears in her eyes as she looked at the helpless little babies being indifferently looked after by the staff. There was no one to cuddle them and show affection. They were fed and cleaned when the staff felt like it and the little ones went on crying for attention.

It was on the second day that she saw the small baby girl lying in a make shift plastic basket. She was dark, pitifully thin and looked undernourished, as she lay there crying with hunger. The nurse, an old woman struggling to manage the little ones with the help of the indifferent staff , brought a bottle of milk which dint look very clean. But, the baby sucked away from the bottle and later fell asleep. Anita decided to take along a tin of baby food the next day and a few clean sheets to swaddle the baby in, which pleased the nurse.The nurse later told her that since the baby was a female and also not healthy and good looking nobody had come forward to adopt her, so the owner was planning to send her away to a village orphanage. After the baby was fed with the milk from the tin that Anita had taken along she seemed contented and Anita held her in her arms.The drowsy baby opened her eyes and gazed at Anita with a kind of pleading , which tugged at her heart and brought tears to her eyes.

She sat up the whole night thinking about the little baby needing care and love, which she could never receive once she was sent to a village orphanage which she knew was  worse than here. Early in the morning she decided to talk it over with her papa and he told her to decide for herself , as to what was the best course to take. Finally she wanted to communicate with Tulsi and her little angel, which she was doing now.

A Ray of Hope

Anita was able to make up her mind and once she reached home, she decided to adopt the little girl and she even had a name Aasha, which had been selected by Tulsi. Once she had made up her mind Anita decided to bring the child home the very next day and look after it well, while waiting for the long adoption procedure which might take several months or even years. She had something to look forward to now, a ray of hope that would take her through her life and may even bring better and happier days into her life !

( images are from wikimedia library)