According to studies couples who are happily married enjoy longer and healthier lives than those who are not. So where does your marriage stand ?
One of the most perilous myths ever perpetrated is that Marriages are made in heaven but if that were so why do marriages fail? If a man and woman are brought together by divine intervention why do couple become incompatible? and if marriages are made in heaven, why do problems and trivialities , and not death, tear them apart?
Isn't it more probable that the institution of matrimony was created on earth by two people to satisfy their individual needs? Also, because human beings are fallible, things do go wrong and these days divorce is not a taboo like it was half a century ago.
But why does this happen ? Why do two people who swear they can’t live without one another find themselves asking how they did live with each other ? When two people who are married start speaking different languages - she 'nags' and he 'stonewalls' and there is a communication breakdown ? . According to psycho analysts, to understand why people divorce one must understand why they married in the first place because each marriage and circumstances are different .There are some basic needs that find fulfillment in the sphere of all marriages.
I am listing 3 basic needs that find fulfillment in the sphere of marriage :
Closeness -All of us need to share our intimate thoughts and feelings with someone we can trust.The physical and emotional closeness of a marriage allows a couple to reveal their deepest emotions , their dreams and aspirations to each other. This shared intimacy of body and soul validates their thoughts and beliefs and helps in building their self esteem which is very essential for human beings .
Security - We all need security in our lives - physical,psychological,financial and emotional.The institution of marriage satisfies this need because its very nature implies a commitment .The partners in the contract are committed to provide for and to be there for each other in good times and in bad times.This sense of belonging to someone we love gives us a feeling of warmth, fulfillment and security.
Passion and Intimacy - Love leading to sexual desire and fulfillment is a basic human need.In a marriage, where a man and woman are committed to each other, sex becomes more than the gratification of a physical need.It is an expression of love and contributes to the emotional and physical well-being of the two people involved.It also leads to another important biological event , which is procreation which is also one of the most important factors that defines a marriage and family.
If any of these above needs are not satisfied ,dissatisfaction sets in, disagreements and arguments follow and can eventually result in the breakdown of a marriage. But the basic problem is the inability of the couple to communicate with one another with empathy and understanding.
Every marriage ought to be equipped with a built in early warning system which allows you to talk about issues while they are still minor.It could be anything from tension at work,issues related to kids,trying to be alone,too many arguments,not spending enough time together,hurting each other’s feelings- all of which can be sorted out with a heart to heart talk while it is still in its infancy.Later, it may be too late since issues have a way of becoming complicated and one may never be able to go to the root of the problem at that stage.
Great Expectations
It is but natural that each partner brings in his/her mindset into the relationship about what an ideal marriage should be and when these expectations are not realised, tension breaks out between the two. A man may expect the wife who is a working woman to look after the home single-handedly like his mother did or sister in law does ,little realising that both of those are housewives and are in a position to manage the home front on their own , while the wife expects some help from him. If they don’t bother to communicate about the issue and come to an understanding, this can cause a lot of misery in the long run.This happens with other similar issues as well when the wife or the husband expects the other to understand their feelings whereas the other partner feels that it is not at all an issue that needs to be discussed or given importance.The resentment that builds when such a thing happens most often seeps into other areas of relationship as well, until finally it threatens the whole fabric of marriage.
Her Master’s voice
This happens in many Asian and Indian households when a woman draws her self-esteem from her husband and her marriage.Most women begin their conversations with ‘my husband says, my husband does, my husbands doesn't like or my husband thinks that I should ...This may be because the woman is often not allowed to express herself freely and gets ridiculed when she tries to do so.Therefore she begins to feel invalidated and is afraid to think or act without his approval. Such a thing can sometimes happen with men facing a similar situation where the wife is earning well, is dominating and not letting him express his wishes and aspirations or ridiculing any suggestions he comes up with.When an individual’s ( either husband or wife ) self esteem touches rock bottom they resent their partners for doing that.
Where has Love gone ?
The most common reason for the breakdown of any relationship – marital,familial or even friendship is when the parties involved take each other for granted .We expect the other person to be there for us , to do things for us but we don't remember to thank them for it and show our appreciation or may even criticise them all the time.While spouses are quick to point out the other person’s faults , they are reluctant to show any appreciation for the love and care they receive. A simple compliment given to the wife on a meal that she has cooked with special care or the wife showing her appreciation when the husband helps her out with some chores in the kitchen instead of accepting this as her or his due makes the individuals want to get even or strike back when they get an opportunity which is very harmful for a marriage.
Mid –Life Crisis
According to statistics the most dangerous period for a marriage is after 17 – 20 years.That’s when the children are grown up and the marriage and married life has become monotonous or in some cases the excitement has become non existent and the partners start to look for support,love and excitement outside of marriage.They hope to have a last final chance for recapturing the happiness and excitement of their younger days and this most often ends in a disaster and even if the partners later decide to forget and forgive there are bound to be irreparable cracks within the marriage . Also, when the children are grown up and busy with shaping and forging their own future , the husband ready to retire, the wife may feel that she has missed out on life all these past years and wants to make up for it .Unappreciated and if she is also unloved at that stage, the woman becomes achievement oriented and feels that it is better to get out of this dead contract and make something of herself on her own.
Walking The Thin Line – detecting the warning signs
Before a marriage splits wide open, cracks appear on the surface and these are indicative of the fires that are raging below, what can be called wake up alarms.They are the warning signs that you need to heed if you want to save your marriage.
1, When a spouse for no apparent reason other than health related or immediate stress related instances, becomes restless, finds he or she is suffering from sleeplessness, the reason could be that he/she is feeling insecure in the marriage.
2, If a couple is out socialising at every given opportunity they get , it is probably because they can’t tolerate the company of each other for long. The less time they spend together as a couple, the easier it is to run away from their problems and responsibilities.
3, Dissatisfaction with the marriage leads to the individuals to seek substitutes to fill the hours.Some turn to alcohol,smoking,become workaholics or frequent clubs and join groups. Some women become obsessed with looking after the house and the children or end up attending kitty parties and card sessions to the extent of neglecting their husbands.
4, Nagging is most often the symbol of a lack of self –esteem.By constantly telling others what to do, the person is trying to create a personal power zone.It is basically his/her own powerlessness in the marriage and home that manifests itself in the need to dominate or control another person’s life and behavior.This leads to arguments and fights which begin with a small incident but can escalate into character assassination , without the actual issue being discussed.
5, When a marriage begins to flounder sex is the first casualty.When one of the partner is always tired and busy or just plain not interested the reason could be more than a flagging libido, more likely a lack of emotional intimacy which is as important .
6, Getting even with each other can spell trouble.When couple argue on minor issue which is a part of life ,and when one of the partner loses often they feel the need to get even.This could be done in a number of ways like denying sex,misplace some important files or car keys, cook an indifferent meal or not share some important information.
Try to Save Your Marriage
1, One should remember that times have changed but attitudes have not. Women are not seeking to prove that they are better than men but simply asking to be treated as equals.Couple who share responsibilities at home have found that marriage has become stronger and more joyous.Not limiting oneself to any one kind of work and being open to ideas definitely help in bringing the couple closer.
2, Treating each other as friends is all important in a marriage.In most unhappy marriages the couple are not attentive to what is happening in each other’s lives.When you base your marriage on love, trust and friendship the chances of having a successful partnership and fulfillment is far greater than when you remain indifferent to each other’s feelings.
3, Most marriage counselors advise and recommend that couple should make a conscious effort and choice to put their relationship first instead of kids and children as it often happens in marriages.This helps the couple in having a fulfilling marriage even after the kids have grown and moved away.
4, Making time for each other is very important in a marriage.These days because of work pressures ,many couple find it increasingly difficult to be together and doing things together. It may also be because of other pressures like attending to the needs of their own siblings and other family members and getting involved with friends and time consuming social activities . Here, one must bear in mind that time together is very important for a marriage – going for a walk with your spouse or sharing a cup of tea or a drink together by yourselves ,sharing and discussing the days plans and events and generally sharing ideas is good for a marriage. Also going for family holidays is an ideal experience and bonding time which brings members and the couple closer to each other.
5, Listening and learning is an art that needs to be cultivated in life ,more so in a marriage.Psychologists recommend that although it is not possible to listen to your partner when there is a heated argument, it is possible to do so when there are neutral moments like when you are eating together or driving together. It is during such times that you build on your relationship.
Finally, a good marriage is a source of great happiness. Couples who share a warm and loving relationship say that their marriage refreshes their spirit and invigorates them to face each new day with a smile. In fact, studies show that couples who are happily married enjoy longer ,healthier lives than those whose marriages were unsuccessful.Marriage does not have to be a life sentence instead it can be a rewarding and enriching experience.