My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

“Time is the coin of your life. You spend it. Do not allow others to spend it for you.”

“Some people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them," I said.<br /> <br /> "Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway....

These woods are lovely, dark and deep,<br /> But I have promises to keep,<br /> And miles to go before I sleep,<br /> And miles to go before I sleep

“you have to love something before you can hate it.”

“That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you...

“love the life you live.<br /> live the life you love.”