Mutual attraction at work places

Mutual attraction between men and women is a fact of life. Whenever men and women work together, sexual attraction comes in, not just in high adrenalin occupations, but in any work setting, from laboratory to library , from office to bank and from police station to printing press. Work place is where men and women get to know each other well and a certain amount of intimacy is bound to develop between some people which often leads to sex. The more deep the barriers ( The status of being married or engaged to someone else) and taboos ( work place ethics or boss and employee relationship) the atmosphere unfortunately becomes more exciting and stimulating ! Hard to believe but even statistics prove this is so..

A case I have known and came across personally involved medical technician and her subordinate who were both married .They would often be working together for more than 10 hours at a stretch, rushing about their duties and being together all the time. They shared the pains of losing lives and also pleasures of saving lives together and finally one day fell into each other’s arms. One can imagine all the confusion and heartache that came with it when the respective spouses became aware of what was happening. Later after breakup the woman is supposed to have confided to her friends saying that ‘ when you spend hours talking and releasing your emotions, your work mate becomes your life line, your soul mate and it is hard for others to understand what goes on, it is not mere sexual attraction, but t is emotional dependency as well!’...

There is quite another scenario when a very attractive co worker leans over the shoulder of her colleague to touch a key board brushing his cheeks with her hair, or touching his fingers ! Also how does a woman react when she enters a room for a meeting and the male colleague look at her from head to toe giving the once over! This is not forbidden, in fact many like flirting around and think that it is harmless and enjoyed both the people who are part of it. We can see such harmless flirtation going on everywhere and as long as it remain within limits there is no serious harm done except make the work atmosphere more attractive an interesting. This may continue and there may be compliments doing the rounds and slowly make way to jokes with sexy punch lines, one cannot stop that since there is no law barring it! But that is how it begins...

Is there a proper guideline?

The answer to this anything but clear, even though many companies are now trying to bring in some kind of a guideline for proper behavior in work places. But practically speaking one cannot legislate sexuality out of work place since it is part of one's identity and one cannot simply turn it off and on at an instant and because you are working. We are human beings with real feelings not robots and react to atmosphere and people depending on the situation.

But at the same time acknowledging that sexual feelings exist is one thing, acting on them is another. Today, more than ever, learning to manage sexuality on the job, with the bosses and higher ups ,peers and colleagues can be crucial to ones career and also a bench mark of one’s success.

I am listing down some important points that experts say will prevent sensitive situations from turning into full blown problems that can adversely affect one’s career.

Dress Appropriately

I was reading a news item about a secretary wearing mini skirts to office was asked wear formal dresses and more suitable clothes while working. When she tried to question this decision she was told that she was causing distractions and the work efficiency was falling because her dressing style. She felt that it was others problem since she was not responsible for their reactions. But when we analyse the situation – As a woman the lady in question should take responsibility for the signals she sends, and when a lady is wearing mini skirts to a work place the message sent out is Look at Me !

Does that mean that women have to cover up from head to toe – According to analysts , that is not necessary, there is n need to hide a woman’s natural curves, and there is a big difference between being feminine and flaunting sexuality. When a woman wears a short skirts or see through blouses, it is the same as a man wearing tight jeans or a open shirt exposing his chest. One must take care to see that work place clothes should not be provocative.

Watch What you say

Many ms understandings take place at work spots regarding communication between men and women .Men tend to joke and sometimes exchange swear words which might offend female workers. So one has to take care when there is a mixed crowd not to offend people who are not comfortable with certain expressions and offensive language.

Most women are highly sensitive to verbal cues and expressions that men use casually, especially sexual ones are taken far more seriously by women. At times the women put up with the crudities to fit in as one of the crowd but with a lot of hesitation. However, using language that is degrading and offensive to anyone is not okay especially when it concerns women. Sexual jokes should especially be avoided as should comments that are even slightly suggestive. When a male keeps complimenting a woman’s dress or the way she looks it is but natural for the woman to preen with pride and neglect her work.

Such remarks convey the message that females in the workplace are potential sex partners first, women second and co workers third. It is very essential for men and women to keep sexually tinged comments out of workplace.

Watch Your Body Language

 According to psychologists men normally tend to interpret almost any behavior coming from women as more charged with sexual meaning than women do. There are some typical female gestures that men consider as provocative like tossing hair, looking straight into a man’s eyes, smiling at him every now and then, touching a man’s arms while conversing with him , crossing and uncrossing the legs etc..It is the same with women , they too get attracted to certain male gestures like a man’s physique, The way they dress and converse, and the way they look at them .

So, with such a charged atmosphere what can be done at a work place that is teeming with sexual possibilities ? First of all each individual should be aware of the signals he or she is sending out, and more importantly how they may be misinterpreted. The best way to deal with any possible sexual adventure that might take place, is to talk about one’s own spouse or family if one is married or about a boy friend, girl friend or a close friend in the case of unmarried people. Displaying the pictures of family members, children wife and husband on your work desk also keeps you safe from such misadventures. In spite of all this if you still see that the other person is sending out such sexual vibrations and signals, cut them off immediately. 

Keep strict Tabs on your feelings

I was reading the feelings expressed by a typist who worked in a corporate office. According o her every night she would find herself thinking about what to wear for office the next day and spent a lot of time selecting a dress and also dressing up in the morning. Although she hated to admit it, the object of her thoughts was her boss. He was smart, good looking, caring , supportive and happily married ! She knew that nothing would come out of her feelings but that still did not stop her from getting up in the morning and go through the routine of getting dressed for his sake !

The boss was a good guy and never indulged her and most surprisingly, when she was transferred to another city she had forgotten all about him even before she had time to settle down in the new atmosphere. So it shows that such infatuations don’t last long and the object of adoration gets removed the ardor too reduces.

No doubt that flirtations add a little tingle to a perfectly ordinary and boring day at work. It is also nice once in while to think of the people you work with as full bodied human beings who are capable of thinking about sex and are likely sex partners .But when such a feelings begins to get deeper and begins to affect your work and mind then one can be sure that there is trouble brewing ! Just imagine a scenario where a man and woman have been working intently to meet a deadline, or launch a new product, may suddenly begin to look at each other in quite a different way, oblivious to all and everything around them !

Confusing Reactions

What most people in such situations fail to realise is that it is not love but attraction and a chemical reaction that takes place where consideration to the realistic aspect of ones own status and position is life becomes momentarily secondary. It also a fact that such attractions don’t last long as I already explained above with one example of a typist, but if care is not taken it might cause some unpleasantness and discomfort to the individuals as well as those who are close to them. Inspite of knowing all these , it still doesn’t stop employees from letting themselves get swept away !

People often get different types of intimacy mixed up because they are confused about their own feelings and how to handle them. A woman may genuinely be fond of someone who she admires for some of his qualities and may openly show those feelings little realising that she is probably leading him on. Here the woman’s love for the person is based on admiration rater than sexual attraction, and even if her feelings are intense they are not romantic feelings and not the same as sexual intimacy. But how will the other person know that ? It is imperative to be clear cut about your feelings by expressing the right kind of words and follow it up with action so that, those strong feelings you may have don’t reach a different level and lead you to the bedroom.

Know the Risks involved

Many office or work place affairs that get ignited in the red hot intensity within the confines of an office or for that matter anywhere can as quickly cool off. Couples tend to change into completely different personalities outside the artificial world of work. A daring fire fighter may turn into a couch potato at home causing his romantic colleague to wonder, What did I ever see in him? And now office liaisons may be more dangerous than ever.

An affair can wreck not just a marriage but also a career these days. There has been surge in sexual harassment charges including by employees who have been seduced and abandoned by a co worker. In the past only the woman risked losing her job, but now companies are being more aware and are increasingly holding men accountable for what they see as a terrible lack of good judgment that is not favorable to a work culture.

Make sure you don’t cross the limits

One's attitude and general behavior gets scrutinised and often can lead to misunderstandings. Here is a case where the manager of a giant software company was a gregarious guy who had the habit of frequently putting his arms across the shoulder of his subordinates and assistants and pull them towards him. The assistant who was a female complained about his conduct and others joined in too. An enquiry was conducted and the manager himself was stunned at this outcome because he thought he was being warm, supportive and a helpful boss. But the assistant did not like being touched by a man who had power over her career.

Here we can see that what is presumed as sexual harassment involves a spectrum of verbal, non verbal and physical acts. It is rarely black and white and difficult to define. The standard that courts use is whether a reasonable person considers a behavior abusive or hostile. Since most targets of sexual harassment are women, that translates into what a reasonable woman would think, which may be quite different from a man’s view!

So, in effect when it comes to male female interactions, it is better to treat others the way they would like to be treated. If you do or say something to a colleague which offends , relaise that a mere apology may not suffice. It may be even seem flip and insincere so it is better to say right away that you are sorry and such a thing will never happen again and make sure it doesn’t!

Conclusions

Sexual intimacy and sexual harassment are both damaging in their own way. It affects everyone who is surrounded by it. It harms the victim, victims family , the harasser who may lose his job, any co workers who may have supported him and the company which may not only face a lawsuit but have problems with productivity and morale.

So the best way of dealing with sexual tensions that are bound to happen in work places is by following the above tips and be aware of where it can lead to. The healthiest work place is one , in which men and women respect one another and learn to work together as members of the same team and are able to deal with any intimacy that develops between them with maturity and clarity of thought.