See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?

For the American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity.

I bet you if I had met him [Trotsky] and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I never yet met a man that I didn't like.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.

Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.

You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.

There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is education.

Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth.

We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.

We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

There's the one thing no nation can ever accuse us of and that is secret diplomacy. Our foreign are an open book, generally a check book.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.