What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.

Duty - that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.

Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.

When you doubt, abstain.