Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his

Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.

Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.

Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of...

Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.