If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If the lesser mind could measure the greater as a footrule can measure a pyramid, there would be finality in universal suffrage. As it is, the political problem remains unsolved.

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience.

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.

Gambling promises the poor what property performs for the rich--something for nothing.

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

England and America are two countries separated by a common language.

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

Criminals do not die by the hands of the law. They die by the hands of other men.

An American has no sense of privacy. He does not know what it means.There is no such thing in the country.

Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them.

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.