chinmoymukherjee wrote:

What appeared to be exceptional cases decades back is now endemic and this problem is spreading its tentacles in Indian society. With single child norm being practised on a massiv  scale in urban India and parental obsession has acquired a pathological dimensions.I have two shatteringly tragic cases in which both the middle-aged couples

took their lives following the accidental deaths of their only son.The parents have to develop the right kind of detachment and de-obsess,if I am permitted to use right term, from  the affairs of their wards which take off to a different trajectory once they grow mature.They have to discover a world beyond their obsessions by engaging more with the bigger world.

So true Chinmoy, it has become very essential for almost all parents to develop this kind of mindset where a single child has become a norm. My own example is no different, my son is just about to turn 8 and I already suffer from separation anxiety, I become too restless when he is out of my sight for more than an hour, with exception of when he is in school. My husband keeps advising me the same thing that you just said, try and start developing certain level of detachment from him, for in just a few years he will grow and leave home for his education, career, then what would I do?

However, it is a different story for parents who lose their only child at a young age, a child leaving home and another leaving this world are quite different things. But it depends on parents how they deal with such crisis. There are some who choose to quit and give up their lives and there are some who channelise their grief into something concrete and worthwhile and extend their love to other children. A couple in Pune similarly lost their young son tragically, Mr. Vijay Phalnikar and Mrs. Sadhana Phalnikar gave vent to their grief of losing their only son by starting an ambulance service for poor children who could not afford treatment. Slowly and steadily, they have grown to such a scale where they house orphans and abandoned old people with love and care, a hospital, vocational training centre etc.

See the link to understand the scale of their work: www.apalaghar.com

Vijay Phalnikar and his better half set an example in showing how the past can be buried and start living in the present. There is no use of crying over the split milk.

For every parent , separation from their children is painful which I think has always been the case but now parents are too attached and make themselves too emotionally involved in every aspect of their children's lives. As a result the moment they leave nest, the emptiness sinks in. However, most people adjust to the situation since everyone would like to see their children prosper in terms of job /education and be settled and happy in their own lives. It gives more pleasure to know that your kids are away but doing well than sitting at home with you and not doing much!! 

Separations, unions and sorrow and happiness are the reality of life. They should be accepted as they come. "Be happy thing happened. Don't lament when the happy moments are over."

After all all good things have an end, sooner or later.

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

chinmoymukherjee wrote:

What appeared to be exceptional cases decades back is now endemic and this problem is spreading its tentacles in Indian society. With single child norm being practised on a massiv  scale in urban India and parental obsession has acquired a pathological dimensions.I have two shatteringly tragic cases in which both the middle-aged couples

took their lives following the accidental deaths of their only son.The parents have to develop the right kind of detachment and de-obsess,if I am permitted to use right term, from  the affairs of their wards which take off to a different trajectory once they grow mature.They have to discover a world beyond their obsessions by engaging more with the bigger world.

So true Chinmoy, it has become very essential for almost all parents to develop this kind of mindset where a single child has become a norm. My own example is no different, my son is just about to turn 8 and I already suffer from separation anxiety, I become too restless when he is out of my sight for more than an hour, with exception of when he is in school. My husband keeps advising me the same thing that you just said, try and start developing certain level of detachment from him, for in just a few years he will grow and leave home for his education, career, then what would I do?

However, it is a different story for parents who lose their only child at a young age, a child leaving home and another leaving this world are quite different things. But it depends on parents how they deal with such crisis. There are some who choose to quit and give up their lives and there are some who channelise their grief into something concrete and worthwhile and extend their love to other children. A couple in Pune similarly lost their young son tragically, Mr. Vijay Phalnikar and Mrs. Sadhana Phalnikar gave vent to their grief of losing their only son by starting an ambulance service for poor children who could not afford treatment. Slowly and steadily, they have grown to such a scale where they house orphans and abandoned old people with love and care, a hospital, vocational training centre etc.

See the link to understand the scale of their work: www.apalaghar.com

 

Kalyani, having children away from home is something else but to lose a child in your life time is the greatest tragedy there ever is...I can actually feel the pain those parents suffer and go through all their life .I wonder whether I would ever be able to cope with such a loss ! However, I salute people like Mr Vijay Phalnikar and Sadhana for doing what they are , truly remarkable !

@Usha, I agree, it takes an extremely rare kind of courage to do what the Phalnikar couple did on losing their son, not many of us could do that when thrown in such situation.

@Lopamudra, yes it is quite painful to be separated from the children, especially if there is only one and the horizons have broadened quite extensively for the children. In earlier days, it was just some other city or town either in the same state or somewhere else but within the country. Now it is totally some other corner of the earth for the children to move out to. So it has become more painful than ever before, yet knowing they are doing good and are happy brings some satisfaction to the parents.

It's essential for the parents to develop the quality of equanimity. Pleasure and pain live side by side. Wisdom lies in accepting both with open hands.

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

@Usha, I agree, it takes an extremely rare kind of courage to do what the Phalnikar couple did on losing their son, not many of us could do that when thrown in such situation.

 

Not at all...My cousin sister lost her teenage son after which she completely broke down and had to have counselling. She is a changed person now, not bothered about anything, does things mechanically.I have not seen her laugh or get emotional about anything except at times when her eyes brim with tears and we know she is remembering her son. 

I think I have read about this couple in a newspaper or watched an interview and felt motivated. Life has to be channelised. I am a mother of thirteen year old son and my life revolves around him. Though I had dreams of mine, now it only centres around my son and family. One thing is very clear in my mind that a day will come when there will be a drastic change in our lives and then I would find myself all alone. That's the reason I started devoting time in writing which is my me time and helps me to remain detached for some time which is very important to live a stress free life. The link I posted when I started this thread was recommended by my eldest brother to read and learn something from it. So, I thought to share with you all and have a meaningful discussion.