Are we leading to Empty Nester Syndrome?

chinmoymukherjee wrote:

What appeared to be exceptional cases decades back is now endemic and this problem is spreading its tentacles in Indian society. With single child norm being practised on a massiv  scale in urban India and parental obsession has acquired a pathological dimensions.I have two shatteringly tragic cases in which both the middle-aged couples

took their lives following the accidental deaths of their only son.The parents have to develop the right kind of detachment and de-obsess,if I am permitted to use right term, from  the affairs of their wards which take off to a different trajectory once they grow mature.They have to discover a world beyond their obsessions by engaging more with the bigger world.

So true Chinmoy, it has become very essential for almost all parents to develop this kind of mindset where a single child has become a norm. My own example is no different, my son is just about to turn 8 and I already suffer from separation anxiety, I become too restless when he is out of my sight for more than an hour, with exception of when he is in school. My husband keeps advising me the same thing that you just said, try and start developing certain level of detachment from him, for in just a few years he will grow and leave home for his education, career, then what would I do?

However, it is a different story for parents who lose their only child at a young age, a child leaving home and another leaving this world are quite different things. But it depends on parents how they deal with such crisis. There are some who choose to quit and give up their lives and there are some who channelise their grief into something concrete and worthwhile and extend their love to other children. A couple in Pune similarly lost their young son tragically, Mr. Vijay Phalnikar and Mrs. Sadhana Phalnikar gave vent to their grief of losing their only son by starting an ambulance service for poor children who could not afford treatment. Slowly and steadily, they have grown to such a scale where they house orphans and abandoned old people with love and care, a hospital, vocational training centre etc.

See the link to understand the scale of their work: www.apalaghar.com

 

Vijay Phalnikar and his better half set an example in showing how the past can be buried and start living in the present. There is no use of crying over the split milk.

For every parent , separation from their children is painful which I think has always been the case but now parents are too attached and make themselves too emotionally involved in every aspect of their children's lives. As a result the moment they leave nest, the emptiness sinks in. However, most people adjust to the situation since everyone would like to see their children prosper in terms of job /education and be settled and happy in their own lives. It gives more pleasure to know that your kids are away but doing well than sitting at home with you and not doing much!! 

Separations, unions and sorrow and happiness are the reality of life. They should be accepted as they come. "Be happy thing happened. Don't lament when the happy moments are over."

After all all good things have an end, sooner or later.

 

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

chinmoymukherjee wrote:

What appeared to be exceptional cases decades back is now endemic and this problem is spreading its tentacles in Indian society. With single child norm being practised on a massiv  scale in urban India and parental obsession has acquired a pathological dimensions.I have two shatteringly tragic cases in which both the middle-aged couples

took their lives following the accidental deaths of their only son.The parents have to develop the right kind of detachment and de-obsess,if I am permitted to use right term, from  the affairs of their wards which take off to a different trajectory once they grow mature.They have to discover a world beyond their obsessions by engaging more with the bigger world.

So true Chinmoy, it has become very essential for almost all parents to develop this kind of mindset where a single child has become a norm. My own example is no different, my son is just about to turn 8 and I already suffer from separation anxiety, I become too restless when he is out of my sight for more than an hour, with exception of when he is in school. My husband keeps advising me the same thing that you just said, try and start developing certain level of detachment from him, for in just a few years he will grow and leave home for his education, career, then what would I do?

However, it is a different story for parents who lose their only child at a young age, a child leaving home and another leaving this world are quite different things. But it depends on parents how they deal with such crisis. There are some who choose to quit and give up their lives and there are some who channelise their grief into something concrete and worthwhile and extend their love to other children. A couple in Pune similarly lost their young son tragically, Mr. Vijay Phalnikar and Mrs. Sadhana Phalnikar gave vent to their grief of losing their only son by starting an ambulance service for poor children who could not afford treatment. Slowly and steadily, they have grown to such a scale where they house orphans and abandoned old people with love and care, a hospital, vocational training centre etc.

See the link to understand the scale of their work: www.apalaghar.com

 

Kalyani, having children away from home is something else but to lose a child in your life time is the greatest tragedy there ever is...I can actually feel the pain those parents suffer and go through all their life .I wonder whether I would ever be able to cope with such a loss ! However, I salute people like Mr Vijay Phalnikar and Sadhana for doing what they are , truly remarkable !

@Usha, I agree, it takes an extremely rare kind of courage to do what the Phalnikar couple did on losing their son, not many of us could do that when thrown in such situation.

@Lopamudra, yes it is quite painful to be separated from the children, especially if there is only one and the horizons have broadened quite extensively for the children. In earlier days, it was just some other city or town either in the same state or somewhere else but within the country. Now it is totally some other corner of the earth for the children to move out to. So it has become more painful than ever before, yet knowing they are doing good and are happy brings some satisfaction to the parents.

It's essential for the parents to develop the quality of equanimity. Pleasure and pain live side by side. Wisdom lies in accepting both with open hands.

 

Kalyani Nandurkar wrote:

@Usha, I agree, it takes an extremely rare kind of courage to do what the Phalnikar couple did on losing their son, not many of us could do that when thrown in such situation.

 

Not at all...My cousin sister lost her teenage son after which she completely broke down and had to have counselling. She is a changed person now, not bothered about anything, does things mechanically.I have not seen her laugh or get emotional about anything except at times when her eyes brim with tears and we know she is remembering her son. 

@Kalyani The case you have cited is a rare tale of exemplary courage and fortitude on the part of the couple which might inspire victims of these grim tragedies. After all all filial relationships stand at an altogether different planes.No amount of rationalizing does penetrate the blind spots of profound love and well being that parents harbor in them.I know how difficult it is to develop such a sense of detach yet there lies the apology of a solution as some problems are not humanly solvable!

I think I have read about this couple in a newspaper or watched an interview and felt motivated. Life has to be channelised. I am a mother of thirteen year old son and my life revolves around him. Though I had dreams of mine, now it only centres around my son and family. One thing is very clear in my mind that a day will come when there will be a drastic change in our lives and then I would find myself all alone. That's the reason I started devoting time in writing which is my me time and helps me to remain detached for some time which is very important to live a stress free life. The link I posted when I started this thread was recommended by my eldest brother to read and learn something from it. So, I thought to share with you all and have a meaningful discussion.

Shampa Sadhya wrote:

I think I have read about this couple in a newspaper or watched an interview and felt motivated. Life has to be channelised. I am a mother of thirteen year old son and my life revolves around him. Though I had dreams of mine, now it only centres around my son and family. One thing is very clear in my mind that a day will come when there will be a drastic change in our lives and then I would find myself all alone. That's the reason I started devoting time in writing which is my me time and helps me to remain detached for some time which is very important to live a stress free life. The link I posted when I started this thread was recommended by my eldest brother to read and learn something from it. So, I thought to share with you all and have a meaningful discussion.

Thank you Shampa for posting this discussion and especially this post. My life too revolves around my 8-year-old son and my family, although slowly and steadily it is since 5 years that I started working online and offline both, yet my son is the most important focus of my life and this discussion has led me to think about it differently. Although my husband keeps telling me the same thing again and again, it is only now I have realized that I am not alone and most of us are afraid of letting our children go, especially inputs from Usha who has had to let go of not one but three children out in the world, are really valuable.

 

Wise men say that all roots of grief  lie in attachment be it with your mundane  things or with relations with your family. But it doesn't mean that one should live like a hermit. Accepting the things as they come to you is the only and wise option .

It's not only the distance that has caused fear of separation but if you think a bit deeply then you will realise that nuclear family is one big cause and secondly, the number of children has also impacted the fear factor a lot. 

Separation of children from the parents, irrespective of the causes, is one thing  that is inevitable. In AP, ( there are other states too) there is system called, " Ghar Zamai"(The son in- law will live in the bride's home), in which loving  parents of their daughters can see always see their daughters in their houses. But in many cases this system proved to be counter productive.

 

I have come late into the discussion and am moved by the sentiments expressed by all members. In today's times there are increasing number of parents finding themselves as a lonely couple with their children having moved to other cities in India or abroad. It is a reality in industrialized societies and the sooner we learn to live in a detached manner it will help us cope better. We can prepare ourselves for facing loneliness in later years by developing interests which will keep us busy for a few hours everyday. Most of us have no choice in the matter. 

The best course is to make oneself  indulging in some activity, so that one can forget the loneliness. I'm doing it now. I' keep myself busy and have the satisfaction of earning something by using my skills in writing and designing. There is no option . Loneliness and brooding over the past lead to more loneliness and depression in you

 

Exactly. Taking part in social activities and religious activities also can help overcome loneliness. Watching TV is als a good pastime for many older persons who are unable to move freely.

Whatever may the way you adopt, the aim is to keep your attention away from the past. You can relish the old memoirs while being in the present. That's all. It makes a lot of difference.

 

chinmoymukherjee wrote:

What appeared to be exceptional cases decades back is now endemic and this problem is spreading its tentacles in Indian society. With single child norm being practised on a massiv  scale in urban India and parental obsession has acquired a pathological dimensions.I have two shatteringly tragic cases in which both the middle-aged couples

took their lives following the accidental deaths of their only son.The parents have to develop the right kind of detachment and de-obsess,if I am permitted to use right term, from  the affairs of their wards which take off to a different trajectory once they grow mature.They have to discover a world beyond their obsessions by engaging more with the bigger

world.

I totally agree wit your views ...In my own case I am too busy with my own work and routine to sit around mopping , and like I said before with the technology available today I am constantly in touch with my children through the mobile, net and skype. We meet once a year and any time I want their advise or want to see them and speak to them they are just a click away !

But losing a child can be very tragic and I can understand the misery parents feel after such a loss !

@Kalyani Though every moment my mind is engrossed in my son's thought, you know I deliberately try to keep myself detached and for this I have developed a habit of asking him to do some of his personal work by himself. I know if I help him he will be happy even I will be satisfied that the work was done well but for two reasons I sometimes harshly deny to help him. If I softly ask him to do the work then he will nag me to help so I try to be harsh. One reason is that he needs to become independent and secondly, I need to understand that he will not need me always and so I must not have the feeling of being unwanted. Now, I try to squeeze out time from everything and indulge into writing, reading, experimenting new recipes, chatting with my loved ones, watching a good programme, listen songs or have some rest.