15th May 2007

I am standing in the middle of a bangalore rain, not sure for how long and for what reason. These are my first rains without her in last four years. May be that’s what I want, may be I don’t, but all I know is one thing, I don’t care anymore. There is no pain, no feelings at all; it’s just me in peace with myself.

I know she is there comfortably sleeping in her home completely oblivious of the feelings (rather absence of them) I am going through. When I saw her for the first time, all I noticed were those innocent eyes, filled with love and a heart so fragile that I felt like protecting from everyone else for rest of my life. When ever I passed by her, I felt like some part of myself being left behind all the time. I was losing my self with every passing moment. I still distinctly remember the day when I first talked to her, as that was the day when I called all my friends to inform that my life has changed. Today, I feel like calling them once again to let know that I have got my life back.

I used to feel like being in paradise (what-ever and where-ever that is) with her. We used to walk late-nights, had the same taste of food, and used to dance in rains (well, used to fall sick after that). Every second without her felt like a second of life wasted. I wanted to pour all my love on her, I wanted to take care of her all my life, I used to dream both of us living in a world full of love and affection, devoid of any kind of hatred. But then dreams are dreams, unreal, illogical and meant to be forgotten. I don’t know whether I am in touch with reality now but I know one thing, I am not dreaming anymore.

It’s never the words that hurt you the most; it’s rather absence of them. Expectations are the root of all pains; those who believe in dreams expect the most. I came to know of this the harder way but right now my mind is free from all worries and pains. I guess I had lost ‘myself’ somewhere in between but now I have got it back. I am not alone anymore and will never be.

I pray she fulfills all the dreams in her life. I pray I don’t dream anymore.