Building up Conversation (part 2)

Conversation among friends and intimates can start at any point without any prelude. With strangers, however, we need to use a few introductory words before launching into conversation. A person’s reactions to those unknown to him may not always be favorable and there may be some apprehension, real or imaginary, present on both sides when two strangers meet. This fear may arise from a person’s own shortcomings and his aversion to anything that is unknown. The worldly-minded, experienced person will not be similarly put out before a stranger because he will have the confidence to handle any situation that the stranger may try to counter with him.

Starting a Discourse

In a group where different members are unknown to one another, it requires some imagination and experience to develop a conversation. A topic might be chosen mentally by one of the group but he must be sure that it will attract the attention of all present. Also, it should be a topic which is of general or current interest. The introduction of the topic should be tactful or it may spark off a disagreeable situation if it is one that some in the group are hypersensitive to.

Personal questions, especially if they are of the probing type, are to be avoided at all times and by every means. The weather, general condition of the economy, state of unemployment or employment opportunities, development and scope in the different branches of teaching and education are more or less common topics that may interest all. In this the more experienced ones should take care not to mention delicate issues of a public nature or to criticize others who are either private personalities or public figures.

If a person on his own tries to start a conversation giving an impression that he is leading the conversation, it may be resented by the other. It is, therefore, better if those in the group who know one another slightly start talking on something of general interest and draw others gradually into the conversation by asking or inviting comments.

Winning Attention

If one has to have the attention of the group, one has to get it fully, otherwise the conversation will be patchy where groups of twos or threes may be talking among themselves without regard to the company as a whole. When a person is in the group, this sort of fragmentation will frustrate the purpose of the conversation and the group will break up. If a person gives full attention and importance to all in the group, it is certain that the others will also give their undivided attention to what he is saying. To conform to this rule, it is necessary that this person should address himself not to any one person but to all in the group. This may require a little practice but it is not difficult to learn.

If a comment is forthcoming from a certain direction, the speaker should at once turn his attention to that person and give him or her a smile of approval and encouragement and silent gratitude for having given support to the conversation. If a person tries to get excessive attention to the other’s talks, he will be guilty of disdain which will alienate him from the group and may even damage the spirit of the conversation. So he must always try to win the attention of the group as a whole.

Impartial Stance

To break the ice in conversation, a neutral stand is very important since this stand will make the speaker acceptable to the group. Personal matters and opinions may be valuable to a man’s friends and relatives but to others these are insignificant and meaningless. When a person speaks neutrally, that is, adopts an impartial stance, his conversation will be such that all feel free to join in.

An impartial stance also means that topics discussed are general in nature as far as possible. It is not what one may say or feels that is important, but what matters is that the subject discussed is of interest to everybody. If the beginning is not good, if all the members in the group have not started under congenial conditions, the conversation will not proceed smoothly and will soon tend to flag or peter out.

To be impartial, however, does not mean that a person behaves in a high and mighty manner, suggesting that none of what is said concerns him. A man has to be impartial in manner and spirit, in his comments and in choosing the subject that he introduces, but once he starts talking, he has to show his interest and total identification with the group. Unless he conducts himself in this fashion, he will find that despite efforts of the members of the group, the ice may not have been broken completely; persons in the group may still experience the strain of the newness of the situation and may not feel as free as expected.

Awareness of Others

A person may be in a group and yet may be so engrossed in his own words and his own self that he does not even notice the others. These are bad manners; for when a person gets so absorbed in his own affairs that he pays little or no attention to others, he is sure to ruin the conversation. There will be no give and take in a conversation even if one person ignores the others in the group.

If a person is considerate to others in the group, he would like to get acquainted with the others before talking, and in the conversation itself, he will be careful not to cause disturbance or try to wrest all attention at once. He begins casually and participates in the talk generally till the he finds something relevant or of a particular nature to add to it. His inclusion of all at this moment is as important for himself as for the conversation and if he possess the knack of having everybody listening to him without making himself the centre of attraction, he will get the fullest attention without becoming too prominent.

Mental Pliability

In a group, the members of which have come upon one another suddenly, the ice may not be broken unless the members themselves try or support others who try to ease the strain of formality between these strangers. In a situation like this, a person should not try to draw the group towards the discussion of his pet topic. He would do well to keep his mind free and receptive instead. Whatever may be the topic discussed, he should be able to take part in it.

If a person has one-track mind, he will not add very much to the conversation. He may be interested, for instance, in sports or financial matters and so will generally be silent and take interest only when his favourite topic comes up for discussion.

In the aforementioned situation the mental pliability of the conversationalist is almost nil. His withdrawal from participation in the talk may dampen the spirit of others when they find one among them who is disinterested. Others who are well up in the art of conversation may try to find ways and means to bring him in and in their eagerness they may introduce topics which draw him out. This action, however, would go against group interest, where the interest should belong to all in common and not to anyone in particular.

Avoiding the Particular

When the mind is pliable, it is a natural consequence that it will easily suit itself to a variety of topics and situations without much difficulty. In a conversation where people are talking merely for the sake of passing time, it may not be possible to bring all the topics that have been started to their logical or desired conclusion.

A mind with a single objective may be quite unable to stand up to many diversions in a conversation, and when a conversationalists may fall silent, looking for an opportunity to reopen the topic and pick up the loose ends again.This may happen when the conversationalist is paying attention only to individual topics and has no consideration for the benefit of the group as a whole.

According to proper rules of conversation its success will depend on how long the talk goes on with the interest of the group sustained. What topics are discussed or whether all the topics have been discussed to their limits may be immaterial. These are the norms; that is, conversation should, if possible, have for its goal the culmination of the subject matter after proper review of arguments, for and against.

In reality, where this objective appears to be unattainable, the next best thing to have is the enjoyment and edification of the group. If the group is enjoying the conversation without anyone feeling bored or displeased, the subject may be sacrificed, provided the gathering is a social one and not an official meeting.

To abandon one’s favourite topic and settle for anything less interesting is something that all good conversationalists have to do some time or other. Also, what is good for one may not be so appealing to another, and the latter may have paid attention merely for keeping up the spirit of the conversation out of good manners more than genuine interest.

Quagmire of Questions

Questions can break the ice very easily in a situation where strangers are facing one another. But they have to be selective and if they are not, may do more harm than good if asked thoughtlessly. Beyond the conventional question about one’s home and work and a few other topics, a person should not go any further. No one likes discussing everything about himself with a stranger at the very first meeting. After the initial introductions, the talk should go along common grounds acceptable to both parties.

In the course of further conversation, it may be that one of the parties or both may divulge more about himself willingly, and if there is similar response from the other side well and good; if not, the subject should be dropped without further ado.
It has been mentioned already that questions lead to questions and where a game of questions and answers is played, the more intelligent or shrewd person will have the better of the other.

It is better, therefore, to accept the rule not to indulge in questioning because as long as the stranger is to remain a stranger, his personal matters are likely to be unimportant or uninteresting. If one wants to know more about a person, the best way will be to draw him into conversation and make him reveal himself to one on his own.

Dissemination of Information

The giving out of information also has to follow some principles to be most effective. If information is given to a group that is unable to appreciate or understand it, the giver of this information is merely being foolish. The common rule about information is that information when sought, when sought, has maximum value for the information-seeker, and he who gives the information gets the satisfaction of having met a genuine need.

-Thanks