I'm in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it's wrong that I get fired, well, I've got enough to eat.

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary...

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There...

The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever 'curling' means.

The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn't realize they thought. And they say, 'Hey, yeah!' And they like that.

I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't...

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.