It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The person who reads too much and uses his brain too little will fall into lazy habits of thinking.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I don’t mind what Congress does, as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.

There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it.

If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.