When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times